Monday, January 26, 2009

Do We Smell??!!

Do I smell? Do I have bad breath? Am I malodorous in any way? People seem to be running for the exit like someone set off a stink bomb. --- Richard from 13 Going On 30

Lately Chris and I have felt exactly like that quote. People see us and run in the other direction. We understand that people don't know what to say to us, and that it may be awkward for them. We were the same way a year ago when we saw a couple we knew who had lost a baby, we didn't know what to say. How saddened we feel now that we never said anything to them.

Lately I have just felt like I have some kindof a disease or virus or something, and if someone gets too close they will catch it. It's been so difficult going to church where people who use to talk to me, turn in the other direction. There have been so many times these past few months, where I feel like I shouldn't even go. Then I have this guilt that I should go, and I go and just end up crying the rest of the week.

I guess what we are trying to say is, it's okay to talk to us. The most beneficial thing people could do for us, is just treat us normal. We aren't baby snatchers, or crazy weirdos, we are just a family trying to survive a devastating and life changing loss.

We still love to talk about our baby girl, and we are so grateful for all the love and support from friends and family.

19 comments:

Deb and Stan said...

I LOVE the pics of your new kitty!I'm a cat-lover myself, although Stan isn't too crazy about them. We gave our "Biggie" to Tyler and Michelle when we moved. She's happy there, but I really miss her. When we go to Tyler's, she comes out and jumps right up on my lap and starts purring. We've had her since 1995, how's that?

I didn't realize you had started school! (Guess I better watch closer, huh?) Good job, you!

Do you know who I picture sitting in Heaven and rock-a-bying Preslie? Great-Gramma Bateman. She always loved the babies so much and I bet they are best friends.

We think about you and pray for you and Chris. Remember, we LOVE you guys!

Aubreydoll said...

I wish there was more I could do for you, it really just breaks my heart to hear when you have bad days/weeks. We love you both so much and only want you to be happy so if you ever need anything (even if it's hanging out at your place till 3 in the morning!) I'm MORE than happy to do it.

Stephanie said...

Rylie,
I couldn't help but feel dejavu when I read your post. My husband and I have felt the same way lately. We are the last couple in our ward to not have children and have nicknamed ourselves "the lone barren couple." It was funny for awhile but it's kind of getting to me now. Of course it's our decision to not have kids yet but I just wanted you to know that I can sympathize with what you are feeling and if you ever want to make a new friend/couple we are here. Movie, dinner, just let me know :)
Have a better day!

Janee said...

I'm really glad you posted this. There are probably people who seem like they're avoiding you who inside desperately want to reach out but are afraid they might say or do something wrong and hurt your feelings. They probably just don't know what to say.

Our really good friends lost their baby boy a few months ago (you probably heard about it, he was Maya's age and drowned in the backyard). It was the hardest thing for me to call, in fact I totally chickened out and had Dan do it. My heart was breaking for them and I had no idea what to do for them.

ANYWAY, I'm just glad you're expressing that people can talk to you and treat you normally. I think that will help a lot.

We pray for you guys daily and we miss you tons!

KYLE and NATALIE KOESTER said...

You don't smell now, but as we start going to the gym together that may be another story. So I guess we should stop talking about it and actually go to the gym and do a workout, if I know what that is anymore since I haven't been since before Christmas break. Talk to you soon!

Brittanie said...

Hello. My name is Brittanie, and I'm an online friend of Bielle's. She told me a bit about you, and gave me the link to your blog. I am also LDS, and I lost a baby girl at 38w in May of 2006. I know exactly what you mean by feeling diseased. I was attending a married student ward at BYU-I and so at least half our relief society was pregnant. At one point I even had my bishop ask me not to talk about Cora at church because he'd had several women tell me how much it "scared them." Uh, yeah, thanks.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that there is someone out there who knows what you've been through, in case you ever need to talk (because I know that I do sometimes). Anyway, my email is brcannady@gmail.com. I'm so very sorry that Preslie couldn't stay with you, and how hard it is sometimes to live with it, even with the hope we have of holding our sweet babies again.

Anyway, (hugs) to you
~Brittanie~

Bobby and M!kell said...

Rylie, I am so sorry to hear this. I bet it is hard for people to find the "right" words to say to you and Chris without feeling like they are going to say the wrong thing, I know that when I leave you comments I read it over a few times before i submit because I am concerned that something I say might not come out sounding sincere.... I am with your other comments I wish there was something more i could do. I am more than happy to listen anytime! even if its just to cry, I love to listen. ♥
M!kell

Alyson said...

I am so glad you posted this! I think it is so hard to know what to say when a friend is hurting and you wish you could just take the hurt away for awhile, but you can't. We love you guys! I'm so sorry you are feeling like a leper! You are an awesome person, and the next time you come into town please call me!

The Wilson Crew said...

Sweet Rylie
I am sure that it is so hard for you everyday to just get out of bed. It sounds like you have a great group of people who are there for you no matter what. Just Keep Holding On!!! You are not alone. We are all behind you to catch you when you fall and help you back up. Know that you are loved by all that know you! Our thoughts and prayers are with you and Chris. We love you!!!

Wood Family said...

Rylie,

I'm so sorry to hear this. It looks like you had a fun night with your girlfriends. I'm glad you have chewy to keep you company.

I wish I could meet you and give you a big hug. You are such a special person.

**Hug**
Kara Wood

http://thewoodfamily01.blogspot.com/

Des said...

I can't believe I missed that party. HOLY COW, you know how to throw a party. AHH, it really makes me so mad, especially because our night turned out so bad. ug. I love the idea of doing that- it makes it so much fun. I might have to copy you in the future...when we live elsewhere!
Chewy is so cute. Kittens- love them.
And- I WISH that we had gotten to know you so much better before you lost Preslie- then I could feel like a friend and help you, play with you do something! I sincerely had a blast with you and Kara when we hung out and am dying to do it again.I hope we do soon! I've been talking to Kara- hopefully we can all get something worked out.

Anonymous said...

Rylie & Chris
I read your story and I find myself crying and wishing I could say or do something to make things better. I think people turn away so they will not say the wrong thing. When you see someone in pain, words are hard to come by.
When you see someone hurting no words can bring peace or sound right to say. I know so many people have been touched by your story and by the love and strength you and Chris have. Keep your faith and love strong, you will see your sweet one again. We love you and keep you in out thoughts
Love Aunt Kari and Family

Kelsey said...

I'm not avoiding you...and lets be honest ...you do stink :) j/k (remember jumping on my bed)LOL. I love you! :)

Jamie said...

Oh Rylie I hope I haven't added to that feeling :( I guess I just feel inadequate at providing help or comfort when it comes to things I don't understand, especially from so far away! :) I do check in with ya on here every now & then though & I'm glad you guys are doing well. I love you lots!

Natalie.Rob.Branson said...

Rylie
Hi, you don't know my...my name is Natalie, and we too are parents of an angel born into Heaven on July 1st of this year. I just sat here and cried today as I read your story. My heart aches as I relate to so many of the emotions of your day with Presli. Thank you for having the courage to share your story with others, you are a strong, amazing women and an incredible mother! Congratulations on having such a beautiful little girl!
I used to watch a "baby story" too, in fact at least once a day before Branson was born...now when I'm flipping through channels and it comes on I can't push the "Channel up" button fast enough.
I hope that your path along this journey is going okay and that you feel Preslie close to you often. I am truly sorry that you have had to face this trial and I pray that peace may be yours.
Sending lots of love you way
Branson's Mommy, Natalie

If you'd like to see pictures of our little guy you can check them out at
bransonjackcall.com

(We think he is one cute little man, and we love to show him off!)

Anonymous said...

Sad how times like this really show who our true friends are. What a beautiful baby girl. You don't know me, but I just want you to know how truly sorry I am for your loss. You will be blessed for your faithfullnes to the Gospel. You will be blessed for enduring to the end. You will be blessed for being a mom to this beautiful little Angel. I hope tomorrow will be better for you at church and you will feel welcome and loved.

With sincere love and best wishes
Kaitlyn, Utah.

Josh n Amanda said...

Well, I hope I am not over stepping boundaries, but I am a friend of Dan and Lauren Thorley's down here in Mexico. I want to add my condolences for your loss to everyone else. I am truly sorry about your little girl. I had our third little boy about the same time you had her. We lost our second little boy at three and a half months to SIDS. I still do not profess to know what you are going through because no one truly does. However, if you ever would like someone to talk to, who may slightly understand, I would love to become friends with you. My email address is amandajsherwood@yahoo.com. If you want to email me, I would love to send you an invite to our blog and our vonage phone number down here just in case you ever need to talk to someone who has been there! Hang in there and pray for peace. It does come, I promise! You will NEVER stop missing her or thinking about her each and every day, but peace will come. I wish you all the best and don't hesitate to email me if you want to stay in contact!

Amanda Sherwood

Amy said...

Riley,

Thank you for sharing your sweet Preslie's story! You are so strong and an example to all of us. I hope you don't mind me commenting, I know you don't know me but I was given your blog address from Molly. We also lost our baby girl about 3 and a half weeks ago. Her name is Alexis, I was 37 weeks along and at our normal OB appointment we found out that her heart had stopped beating. I know each experience is different but I do relate to your feelings and experience. I know its helped me to know I'm not alone. And I feel a connection to other mothers that have gone through this. If you want to talk, vent or whatever feel free to email me: amy.chinagal@gmail.com

We also love to talk about our angel Alexis and to show her off. You can see pictures and a video of her on our blog: www.zacharyandamy.blogspot.com

Our prayers are with you!
Amy

Michelle said...

Hi Rylie. I am so so so glad you found my blog! I read your story, preslie's story...I have to say, I have not cried that hard in a very long time! Preslie...it's a perfect name, isn't it! I am so sorry for what you have gone through. We often wonder how long Heavenly Father will allow our Preslie to be with us on this earth. We enjoy each moment and never take it for granted. I am so sorry you are going through what you are at church. After Preslie's birth and diagnoses of Down Syndrome, there were a few that would walk right by and not even look at us...they didn't know what to say...they didn't know that despite the challenges and change, it was all OK. It's a blessing to know what we know, believe what we believe and have that conviction in our heart that Families ARE forever. Hold onto that! Those that weren't our 'true' friends have fallen out of our lives since Preslie's birth, but we've gained so much more. I hope to get to know you better! Remember, your angel is Never far away!