Saturday, May 30, 2009

Is it November yet?

Thursday we went in for our monthly Dr. appt, and to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time with the Doppler there. We have one at home that we use every couple of days, so I wasn't worried. I remember every time they put the Doppler on with Preslie you could instantly hear a strong heartbeat. It took the Dr. like 15-20 seconds to find our little baby's heartbeat. It seemed like the longest time of my life. I laid there in shock as she was searching for it, and I for sure thought that the baby was gone. The baby's heart rate was 158 and very strong. I was a mess after the appointment, I was so glad we were able to hear our baby but just so sad for Preslie.

Friday we had an ultrasound to test if the baby has Down Syndrome. The ultrasound was about 30 minutes long and we just stared at our little baby. We got some great pictures of the baby stretching out it's little legs, and wiggling around. Oh how I love the little baby inside of me. It is just so dang cute! I am just sooo sooo scared to lose it. I wish it was November already!

We find out what we are having July 6th. I was 90% sure it was a boy and now I have no idea. I think we all secretly want a girl, but I think it would be easier to have a boy. We will love whatever God gives us, and we are very excited to find out who this little baby is.

Please everyone vote on our poll for what you think this baby is!

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers...please keep us in your prayers, we really feel them. We feel so blessed and loved, and we could not have done it without all of the continuous prayers coming our way.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Pumpkin Pie Memories

As I was relaxing tonight I kept craving something, but could not for the life of me figure out what it was. Then it hit me...PUMPKIN PIE! Oh how I love pumpkin pie, and yet it is totally out of season this time of the year. (I only look at the pies every time I go to the grocery store) So up I went and started to make my pie. As I was adding the different spices different memories starting flooding back to me. I find it amazing that smells can spark different memories.

I found myself getting lost in the place where I rarely go, the place right before Preslie died. The place where I was ecstatic and happy that soon I was going to be having my baby girl. I let myself wander back to last fall, when the leaves were turning and the air was becoming cool. I remembered heading to the pumpkin patch and was so excited that for the first time we were going to pick out pumpkins. Chris and I took a little wagon and went row by row to find the perfect ones. After what seemed like a long time we found some great ones. Oh how I wish I had a DeLorean and could go back...

I then thought about when I went apple picking with Kara. I am not sure about the date of it, but I believe it was the Saturday before Preslie passed. I remember how much fun we had using the claw to collect the apples, and how beautiful the day was. I remember the smell of the cider and donuts, and the atmosphere. There were some women who were doing temporary tattoos, and I debated whether or not to get one on my belly.

I spent many days making apple crisps and pies with all of the apples we had picked. With each passing day my excitement and anxiousness grew. The night before my due date I stayed up all night just as happy and as excited as can be, because Preslie would be here at any time. My due date came and went in fact I even hosted a play group that day. I made a taco salad bar and we all talked while the kids watched "Sleeping Beauty". I remember telling the ladies to not plan on me being at the Halloween playgroup because I was hopefully going to have this baby.

As the smell of my baking pumpkin pie lingers in our house I can't help but think about how this coming fall will be. Will there be apple picking and pies made? Will the leaves be as beautiful as they once were, or will they remind me of a life before? Will I be able to enjoy my favorite holiday Halloween knowing that we buried my daughter the day after?

Right now I am going to my happy place making pumpkin pie, and playing with my 7 month old Preslie...

*** The shirt I am wearing in these pictures is the shirt I wore to the hospital the day Preslie died. The last thing I wore with Preslie inside of me. I still wear the shirt frequently... It will always mean something to me. ***

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Pregnant Fish, Night in the ER, and a Cracked Tooth

It has been a heck of a week so far! This weekend Chris and I decided that we needed to get Chewy some friends. We headed over to Meier to adopt a goldfish, and ended up walking out with 2 Dalmatian Mollies, 2 neon fish, and a little frog. We found a tank that was on sale, so we decided to purchase it. Chewy has been so entertained by the fish, and is constantly trying to figure out how to get them out. Yes, we did name them all. There is: Pongo, Perdy, Striker, Dash and Frogger. There will soon be more additions to our little fish family... Perdy is pregnant. She looks like she is about to pop any day. I have been anxiously waiting to see her go into action. I guess the Dalmatians tend to have 50+ babies. It will be interesting to see how the next few weeks play out.

In other news Chris and I had our first scare last night. Aubrey, Cadance, and her Mom came over for the Survivor Finale and right before they left I was sitting on the couch and felt this burst in the right side of my stomach. It made me jump it took me so off guard. After they left I told Chris what had happened and we thought we should better check things out and make sure the baby was okay. We headed over to Sparrow Hospital around 11pm, when we arrived at the L&D they told us that you have to be 14 weeks to be seen there. Are you kidding me??!! After what we have been through they wouldn't just check the heartbeat and send us on our merry way?

Our lucky Ewok I held the entire time

My first and hopefully last ER experience

Down to the ER we went. They got us in a room fairly quickly where we waited. And waited. And waited. Finally a resident came in and explained how common cysts bursting in pregnancy can be, and how they think that is what had happened to me. She did an exam, and then an hour later I had a very painful pelvic exam. After the exam the put a catheter in, and we had to wait an additional 2 hours for an ultrasound. The US tech was a grouchy woman who was not happy to be working the night shift. Once we saw our little baby our fears were calmed. Baby Ewok was swimming and doing back flips. Chris even said he saw him wave. The heartbeat was 168, and everything looked great. After our US we went back to our room where we waited for the results...for another 2 hours. After an almost 3 hours of that dang catheter they finally took it out. Oh my heck! Soo painful! Around 4:30 the Dr. came in and told us that the baby has a hell of a heartbeat and that everything looks great. I was put on pelvic rest for 2 weeks, and told to keep it easy the next few weeks. They think it was a cyst that had burst... Have you ever heard of that?! Arriving home at 5:30 this morning wasn't fun, but kn owning that our baby was okay made it totally worth it.

When I woke up this afternoon I felt that something was wrong with one of my back molars. Come to find out, I somehow cracked my tooth! It's only Tuesday and it feels like it should be the weekend already.

I just have to say how grateful I am for modern technology and that our baby is okay. I had a good feeling while we were in the ER that everything was fine, but I didn't want to take any chances. I am so grateful for a supportive husband who stayed with me and comforted me the entire time. I truly feel blessed and lucky.

Here's to a new day!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Mother's Day and Turning 22

When I arrived home at 2am Sunday morning I walked into my house to find it completely transformed. There were balloons, candles lit, 2 dozen red roses, and a Barbie cake on the kitchen counter. I couldn't help but start the endless flow of tears for the day that I have been avoiding since Preslie had died. Chris found my a very special jewelery box, where he was able to put pictures into the letters. He gave me a few other really special things including a letter he felt inspired to write from Preslie. It was incredible. I felt like Preslie was right next to me the entire time I was reading it. Chris really eased my load and started out my intensely sad Mother's Day with some much needed peace. I am so lucky to have him as my husband. He has been there for me through the best and worst times. I just love him so much.

The following morning I was awoken to some yummy eggs, O.J., and french toast. Immediately after eating I went right back to sleep in hopes that I would not wake up until the following morning. As luck would have it, I couldn't sleep past 4:00 in the afternoon. I still felt exhausted from the trip as well as emotionally exhausted as well. I laid in bed for quite some time reflecting back on the past almost 7 months, and how it felt like I was moving further and further away from the once laying baby in my arms. Now here I was laying with empty arms and an empty heart. How can I be a Mother when I do not have any proof that I even had a baby? Why does so many other people get to celebrate such a great day with their children, and yet I have to celebrate it entirely alone?

After thinking of the questions with no answers, I began to think about how women who can not even have children feel on this day. Are they as bitter as I am? Do they avoid Mother's Day? I couldn't help but feel sorrow for them as well, who have never even experienced what it is like to carry a child. I then felt peace. Peace in knowing that God has a bigger plan for them that we don't even know about. That their desire to have children will be answered in tri-fold, and that they will probably have so many children someday that they will wonder how they deserved to be so lucky.

I looked up the definition of Mother and was surprised in what I found. I loved this definition of a Mother. "the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself." There are mother's all around us, women with a desire to have children, care for them, and love for them are mother's too. How grateful I am to be given the opportunity to "mother" Preslie for the short time that I did. How lucky I am that I am the Mother of a perfect angel, who never had to experience pain, suffering, sadness, heart ache, or loss. I would do anything to have my baby here in my arms, especially on Mother's Day. Great will be the reunion I will have with her someday in heaven. Everyday will be Mother's Day, and I will not take one second for granted.

My Mom and I haven't always been the greatest of friends. During high school I wanted nothing to do with my Mom, and I would purposefully do things just to make her upset. There were so many times when my Mom and I would just not even talk to each other. It wasn't until I moved to Washington D.C. that I started to become closer and closer to my Mom. I realized how much my Mom loved me, and did so many things for me that I took for granted. My mom and I started talking daily, sometimes even multiple times a day. I couldn't wait for the times that I got to go back to Idaho to visit her. When it was time for me to leave I didn't want to let her go. I never thought that I would get to that point with my Mom.

When Preslie passed away all I wanted was my Mom. When Chris would wake up to go to work I would go into Preslie's room and sleep right next to her. I wanted so badly to pack up my things and just go back to Idaho with her. Of course that wasn't an option and as time does it, my Mom flew back. Unknown to me and others something changed in my Mom. She left Michigan a stronger, and better person. Things that used to matter to her did not, and the bigger picture of God's plan played an even bigger role in her life. My Mom has always struggled with her weight and when she left she vowed that she was going to kick it into gear. My Mom looks incredible. She has lost so much weight, and is happier, healthier, and much more confident. She has gone through much heartache and grief from family and friends over her battle, but now she can hold her head high in her great achievement.

I never wanted to be like my Mom, but if I turned out half as great as my Mom I would be soo blessed. My Mom has become my best friend, and I love her so much. I know that Preslie is so proud of her, and awaits the day to give Grandma a huge hug. I love you Mom!


The following day after Mother's Day was my birthday. Chris made me that special Barbie cake for it. I had complained to him that the entire time we have been married I have NEVER had cake on my birthday. :( I told him I wanted German chocolate cake with pecan frosting, but I didn't want it in just a glass pyrex pan. I wanted it to look really nice, and that I was just going to have to make it for myself. I was in complete shock when I saw the beautiful cake he had made. He had been on the phone all day with my mom helping him out. He said that it didn't look good with just the pecan frosting so he shredded a ton of vanilla chocolate and sprinkled it all over. It was beautiful, and tasted soo yummy!

Chris again got my some great gifts, he is so cleaver! I decided to open my parents gift first which was for both of us, and any present after that was great but not as great. :p My parents bought us a brand new video camera! It is sooo nice and cute! Chris and I had been talking about looking for one for a while so that I can start to document this pregnancy with a video diary. I was estatic when I opened it! Thank you so much!!

Chris had a final the next day so we weren't able to celebrate my birthday together but, never fear my friends came to the rescue. Aubrey made me a delicious lunch, as well as an awesome birthday cookie. (It's a family joke of theirs) It was so yummy! Later that night I was able to go out and have a great birthday evening. I am so grateful for such great friends.

Chris and I were able to go out last night to celebrate my birthday at my favorite Olive Garden. We had so much fun being able to spend time together and not worry about school, finals, etc. School's finally out for the summer! We are looking forward to a great summer here in Michigan.

Being 22 is SOOO much better than being 21. Forever since Preslie has died I have kept saying to myself how I am just too young to be going through what I am. That I am only 21 years old and have already buried a child. Now being 22 I feel like I can handle it a bit more, without that 21 mind-set in my way.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

48 Hour Road Trip

Thursday night at 11:30pm I received this text message from my dear friend Aubrey:

"This is way crazy and I can't believe I'm asking, but would you drive to Minnesota with me tonight? (I feel stupid even asking this)"

Not sure if she was serious or not, I texted her back saying "What time are we leaving?". Well she never responded, and I had figured she had gone to sleep. While doing my homework at 2am, I received a text message from her. She had woken up to tend to Cadance, and was so bummed that she didn't get my text. After texting back and forth 4 times, we decided we were driving to Minnesota, departing at 3:45am. I like to think of myself as a spontaneous person, but I have NEVER done anything like that before. Chris was not as excited as we were about the idea. He did everything in his power to let me know that he did NOT approve of us driving soo early in the morning, and on no sleep. I was so gun ho and had my bags packed and ready to go by 3am. Aubrey got to my house at 3:45 on the dot and we headed out.

The whole point behind the trip was Aubrey's mom was graduating her Master's program, and Aubrey really wanted to be there to surprise her. Unfortunately the ceremony started at 9:30am, so there was no way we were going to make it by then. With many stops, we arrived in Minnesota 12 hours later. We picked up a key from Aubrey's sister and then headed to her mom's to freshen up before the big reveal. When Aubrey's mom got home, the 12 hour drive was totally worth it. She was soo excited and completely shocked. It was so great. She got to see Cadance for the first time, which was a plus as well. Aubrey's mom was such a hoot. She had us laughing the entire time.

We spent our time chatting with Aubrey and her sisters and mom, going out to eat, and playing Blurt. We ended the night watching Survivor and The Office. Aubrey and I were just exhausted that night, and we slept so well. We woke up, packed, got dressed, and then heading to Wisconsin to visit Aubrey's Grandmother and Uncle. The drive was so beautiful, and Aubrey's Grandmother was adorable. After a great lunch and many many pictures, we dropped Aubrey's mom back off at her house and started our trek back home. With fewer stops, we made great time getting back home.

Our 48 hour trip was totally worth it, and I have to say that Aubrey drove the ENTIRE way! She wouldn't let me drive, maybe she was nervous I'd crash us or something. :p I also have to say that Cadance was great! I could not believe that she slept so much. I had no idea that a baby a month old would do so well on such a long trip. Thank you so much Aubrey for texting me, and for the crazy adventure. :)

Mother Dear

First off Happy Mother’s Day to all those out there. I am a big Momma’s Boy and I have been blessed with the greatest Mom on earth who has been my #1 fan and loved me from the moment I came into this world. My Mother-in-law Mary is another special Mom who loves her kids with her whole heart and I couldn't’t be luckier to have these women and Rylie in my life.

I would also like to thank all those other Mom’s who have helped me and touched my life over the years. There is the great Bev Jensen who has treated my siblings and I with so much love and as one of her own. There is Stephanie Sessions who has always been a second Mom to us and treated us like her own kids. There is Cindy Swensen who has always opened her house to our family and been a great Mom to her three children. The list could go on and on but I just wanted to name a few of the many who have been been motherly to me.


Happy Mothers Day & Early Happy Birthday from all your loved ones.

Rylie has been a mother from early on in life. From her childhood experience of changing Baby Pee-a-lot to sneaking Merrick out of the crib at night she has never failed to be a mother. I think Rylie has three kids that she looks after with me being the biggest baby of them all. I am a kid at heart and always will be, yet Rylie still loves me to death.

Rylie has a beautiful daughter who she loves more than anything in the universe. There is nothing that she wouldn’t do to be with her today of all days. To have Preslie here crawling, smiling, and cuddling with Rylie would be my only wish. I know that one day this dream will come true but for now we will just hope and wish.

We also have been blessed with Baby Ewok. (Will it be a girl or boy? Who knows?) We are so excited for this addition to our family and know that Preslie is a guardian angel over him or her. I know we will have our ups and downs with this pregnancy but we are ready for the experience.
Rylie has often said that one of the things she will miss most about Preslie is that she will never be able to sing to her on Mother’s Day. While I was studying today Preslie whispered into my ear that I should write down the song that she used to hear in primary while we taught. The name of the song is “Mother Dear”
Mother dear, I love you so.
Your happy, smiling face
Is such a joy to look at;
It makes home a lovely place.
Mother dear, I love you so.
Your lovely, shining eyes
Are just like stars that twinkle
Way up in the bright blue skies.
Mother dear, I love you so.
I’ll try the whole day through
To please our Heav’nly Father.
I’m so glad he gave me you.
A smile came across my face while I thought about how for 2 months Baby Preslie heard us sing that song over and over each Sunday. I looked back at Rylie’s Mother’s Day card last year and those words were in the card. I thought it was pretty cool and I know that Preslie will be singing that song to Rylie tomorrow.
Baby P, Chew, Baby Ewok, and I love you to death. We couldn't’t ask for a better Mommy to love and take care of us. I hope you have some moments of peace and happiness this Mother’s Day and for your birthday.
All of us

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Happy Happy Birthday!

I wanted to give a special Happy Birthday shout out to my older sister Kelsey. She is a year and 11 days older than me. We have always been really close, and have looked out for each other. She is my best friend and always will be. Here are some special memories I will NEVER forget with Kels...

1. Playing Barbie's every Sunday
2. Making our daddy shirts into belly shirts
3. Sneaking to look at Christmas presents
4. Pee in a box
5. Crying at each other's birthday parties
6. Driving to school in the old Volvo
7. Playing Life all night
8. Playing house
9. Following you around as Elliot and you were Pete
10. Having choir together... :p
11. Getting braces together
12. Trying out for cheerleading
13. Getting our first bikini's together
14. Getting lost in Melba? Wherever that is!
15. Late night JACK IN THE BOX
16. Sunday night movie nights
17. Stealing each others clothes
18. "Rylie you have to get up quick. The stars are up in the sky to get Kelsey out of bed, so she can sleep with yououou."
19. Macaroni fudge
20. Always being my best friend

I love you Kelsey. We have had many ups and downs together, but through them all we always come out laughing. I hope that you had a great birthday, I wish I could have been there to celebrate with you. I can't wait to see you in a few months! :D

I also want to send a special Happy Birthday to angel baby Cora. She would be 3 years old today! Happy Birthday precious girl.