Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Missing my Baby "P" :(

I have been missing Preslie so much, and I can all but wonder what she's doing. There are days where I wake up and still can't believe that she really isn't here with me. A few nights ago it was VERY hot outside. We don't have air conditioning, but we do have a box air conditioner that goes into our window. Chris kept asking me if I would help him put it in the window, and I kept saying "no". For some reason I did NOT want that thing in our window, and then it suddenly hit me as to why. The morning I woke up to Preslie not moving I remember turning that thing off. It's amazing what the mind blocks out during such tragic situations. I have no idea what we will do this summer, because I honestly do not think I will be able to sleep with that in the same room as me. I have also not been able to watch America's Next Top Model since Preslie has died, because that is what I watched while trying to "count her kicks". The kicks that never kicked. The movements that never moved. There are countless other things I cannot do, and hope with time will be able to slowly overcome.

There are times when I just want to hide and bide my time until we can all be a family all together again. My heart hurts. I want my baby "P" back!

Here is a poem that my friend sent to me last week. I LOVE it. The bond that I shared with Preslie is stronger than anything I have ever felt. I can only hope that I will be able to feel a glimpse of that with this new baby...

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
~~~author unknown

Monday, April 27, 2009

Earth and Cake

On Earth Day we celebrated Preslie's 6-month anniversary. The days leading up and following were very difficult. It's hard to believe that when our lives once felt like they had stopped, they are slowly moving forward again. To celebrate our baby "P" we went out to dinner and then went and saw the movie "Earth" we absolutly loved it. There is just something about nature and animals that is so comforting. I have no visited Preslie's tomb in a few months and I feel guilty for not doing so. I find that I get even more sad when I am up there, because I don't want to leave. I know that I need to go up there sometime soon.

Last week a woman in our ward asked if I would make her daughter's birthday cake. Of course I was up for the challenge. Her daughter wanted a Cherry Chip Ladybug cake. I premade the cakes and fondant the night before, and it only took me 6 hours to design and put it all together. This is my first attempt at using fondant, and although there are a few noticable flaws it turned out darling.

Chris is in "finals mode", and I am getting ready to kick it into my finals mode as well. I am so ready for school to be over and done with, the last couple of weeks have just been dragging! Maybe it's not the weeks, but me that is dragging. We are looking forward to a great summer out here, with some much needed vacations.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Almost 6 Months

Chris and I want to thank everyone for the wonderful comments you have made. We have definitely felt your love and prayers the past 6 months. I don't know what we would have done without all of your support.

Like clockwork the past couple of days have been a whirlwind of emotion leading up to our baby girl's 6 month anniversary. I never try to keep track of the days, and then it will hit me and i'll just happen to realize that the day is approaching. The day Preslie didn't move. The day our entire lives turned upside down. 4 days short of being induced. 4 days short of bringing our baby home.

We decided that on Wednesday (April 22nd) we would go and see the movie "Earth" to celebrate/remember our darling Preslie. Chris and I have been huge animal lovers our entire lives and marriage, and we had about a bazillion stuffed animals waiting for Preslie to play with. For every ticket bought to see the movie a tree will be planted. We thought it would be really neat to have a tree planted in honor of Preslie. We are without a doubt sure she is enjoying all of the animals up in heaven, and that she occasionally comes down to pull Chewie's tail.

I am sure there are a billion questions as to how I am dealing with the loss of Preslie, and expecting again. Chris and I feel so blessed to be able to be expecting again, however we feel that this is the second hardest thing we have had to do other then to bury our first child. The fun carefree days of my last pregnancy are over. We were a nervous wreck when we found out that we were expecting. Every second of every day I wondered if it would be my last with little baby. We were able to get an early ultrasound last Thursday, and Chris and I did not sleep the entire night before. We were so scared that the monitor would show that there wasn't a baby in there, or that there was a problem. Luckily we concurred our fears and we were able to not only see our baby's heartbeat, but to hear it as well. After that day we have calmed down almost 90%, it was such a huge relief to see that things are progressing normally.

I feel at times that by expecting another baby that I am moving away from Preslie. That I am trying to get over her or forget her. I know that Preslie is so happy for us, and is watching over the baby. The fear is so real, but our faith has to be stronger. I cannot think about the end, and I don't believe that this baby will actually come home with us. I like to think of having this little baby coming during Thanksgiving, but I don't believe it will happen. We are living on faith, and hope that we will get to keep this little one.

Chris and I are anxious and excited to add another addition to our family, and are taking each day one step at a time. We both feel like this baby is a boy, since I have not been nearly as sick as I was with Preslie. The Chinese calendar says girl, as well as the ring over my stomach. We will be grateful with either. We have felt the blessings pouring in already with this baby, and we know that Preslie is not too far away.

I made these little sheep for Easter. I thought they were so cute I just had to share.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

The Future Is as Bright as Your Faith...

An Exact Replica Of A Figment of My Imagination

During our weekend in Virginia I decided to read the book "An Exact Replica of A Figment of My Imagination". Many people had recommended it to me, and my cousin thoughtfully sent it to me. The book is about a writer who loses her first child, similarly to the way Chris and I did. The book goes on to describe her experience with the loss of her child, and the start of life with another pregnancy and new child. (Rough explanation of the book)

It took me a few hours to read, and afterwards I just sat there. I was irked how the book was so dark, and how there was no "lighter side" to it. I struggled for many many months to pick up the book and read it, because I felt like I didn't want to read a story about a woman who lost her baby and then had another one. I felt like I was still grieving the loss of Preslie, that the thought of moving on or forward frightened me. I am glad I read the book, however was disappointed in the message it portrayed. I felt like she really didn't let us into her deep emotions, that it was kindof just the timeline of things. I also did not like how she didn't think her son was an angel...

It is however refreshing to hear of happy endings coming out of such a tragic loss. I have found that parents who have experienced a loss similar to ours, have come out on top with many beautiful, crying babies within the years to come.

The future scares me. My mom keeps reminding me that "Faith and Fear cannot coincide". That is sometimes easier said then done. The fear of the unknown is so scary but after this last conference it was a breath of fresh air to hear of losses, and how women, parents, and even General Authorities were able to pull through. I cannot wait to listen to them over and over again. I know that these General Authorities are called by God, and that God knew there were many of us who needed to hear those words spoken.

If anyone has read or has heard of any good books that deals with loss, moving forward, etc. Please let me know. I have become a reading maniac!

Easter in Virginia

3 years ago right before Easter weekend, Chris and I met. We thought that it would be fun to get out of Lansing for a few days, and head back to Virginia for Easter weekend.

It was really difficult to go back to where I once was happy with Preslie alive. I couldn't help but cry for a while once we got to Chris' parents house. I was so overwhelmed with all of the memories that I had tucked away, and to revisit them was so difficult. I know that in the long run it was good to face my fear of returning. Here is what we did this past weekend...

We got in on Friday, took a nap, and then headed to the DC temple. It felt so good to be able to do a session, and just relax and take our time. I didn't want to leave. The spirit felt so good, and I felt so close to Preslie. After going to the temple we stopped and got my favorite Thai Shirlington, and then went back to Chris' parents and hung out. Chris' dad arrived from Texas later that night.

On Saturday we went to the National Harbor and ate at an Italian restaurant, at the Gaylord hotel. The hotel is AMAZING! There just happened to be an Indian wedding going on at the same time we were eating, so we were able to watch some of it. All the dresses, music, and decorations were incredible. Later that night we went and saw I Love You, Man. We LOVED it!

Easter Sunday we got up and attended Chris' parent's ward. Chris and I were really hesitant to attend church on Easter, because my biggest thing when pregnant was the excitement of Preslie wearing an Easter dress. I knew that Preslie would want me to attend church, and that it was the right thing to do. I am going to be was extremely hard. I had to keep my head down, to not see cute little baby girls in such frilly and beautiful dresses. Not to mention there happened to be a baby blessing during sacrament as well. I still cannot sit through a baby blessing. I am hoping that overtime it will become easier. I was really proud of myself for not getting up and leaving, although I tried to block it out and not think about it. We left after sacrament, and the tears fell. I would do anything to have my little P in a cute Easter dress. :( Later that day we had a fabulous dinner, thanks to Chris' Mom Sue. After dinner everyone rested and napped, and I read the book "An Exact Replica of A Figment of My Imagination." I'll give my opinion in another post.

Monday Chris and I went and re-enacted our first date. We went to California Pizza Kitchen, walked around the mall, and bought some great books on sale. Afterwards we went back to the house and Chris played some tennis with his dad. He played 3 times while we were there, and had a blast. For dinner went to The Cheesecake Factory, which was AWESOME! Later that night we had family home evening with Tom and Christine (Chad and Sue's) friends. We had such a blast playing pounce and talking. After they left we played a game called Quelf. It sounds weird, but it was a lot of fun.

Tuesday we packed, said our goodbyes and headed back to Lansing. Chewie was so excited to see us when we got back. Chris and I had such a nice and relaxing weekend with his parents, and we are so grateful for the fun times and the love they showed us.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

She Lives in Me

Ever since last week when we saw the Lion King, this song has been constantly being played in my head. When it was performed I couldn't help but hold back tears. I have found that when I look in the mirror, I can see Preslie looking back at me. I think it is just another example of a tender mercy from God, to have had Preslie look like me.

They Live in You

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

And the spirit of life calling
And a voice
With the fear of a child asking

There's no mountain too great
Hear these words and have faith
Have faith

They live in you
They live in me
They're watching over
Everything we see
In every creature
In every star
In your reflection
They live in you

They live in you
They live in me
They're watching over
Everything we see
In every creature
In every star
In your reflection
They live in you

Your mommy and daddy love and miss you our angel Preslie.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Watching From Above

Chris and I had heard from numerous people that the movie "Marley and Me" was so good. We had heard that it was sad, and we just assumed that dog died at the end. What we didn't expect was for the couple to go to the doctor and not find her baby's heartbeat, then to pull up the US machine of the baby without a beating heart. Chris and I freaked out. We were so baffled that no one would tell us that we probably shouldn't see the movie. Although in the movie she was only ten weeks, the fear and feelings all came flooding back. I sat there the entire rest of the movie with sweaty palms, a rapid heartbeat, and my brain reliving our terrible moment over and over again. Then to top it off with the ending, it made me even more sad. I was a basket case. As I sat there and cried, all I could think about is "Why does death have to be so scary and sad?" "Why does God's plan involve losing loved people, animals, and things?" Luckily I was able to relax and find some peace before sleeping, but the questions are unknown mysteries.

I have come to realize the past few days that when Chris and my mom told me that everything would be okay with Preslie (while I was pregnant) that they were right. Yes, I said it. Preslie is better than alright. She is with our maker, and all the loved ones that have past. She is doing her work there while we do our work here. Does this mean I miss her any less? No. I have missed her so much this past week, that there hasn't been a day go by where I haven't just ached and mourned for her. Chris has really been sad the past few days as well. The love that he has for his daughter brings tears to my eyes. He told me that as he was walking home today, all he could think about was when he ran home the day Preslie died. How he use to look forward to going home and seeing Preslie and I playing together, and waiting for him to arrive.

Preslie is still waiting for us to come home, but we have more to do here. Each day I feel a little bit stronger then the last. I don't feel like I can put my whole foot in 100% yet, but I hope over more time I will be able to. I am grateful for the life and love Preslie gave to me, and for the short time that I was able to spend with her. I know she is always looking down on Chris and I, and that she is our guardian angel. I can feel when she misses me, and when she tells me she loves me. I know that especially today she is really missing Chris. Preslie lives, she really does. I know it.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Birthdays, Eggs, Cake, and State!

It's been a crazy busy week, and I think it will continue to be that way until the semester is over.

Here are some picture from our reception, in Wedding Planning class. It turned out fantastic, and we recieved an "A" on the wedding and reception.

Last Sunday we celebrated Faith, Daniell, Brian, and Chris' birthday over at the Hogges. I decided to make a monsterous cake for the occassion. After frosting the first giant layer I gave up and "hurried" it along. It doesn't look that good, but it tasted great! It was fun to celebrate everyone's birthday together. We are so grateful for the friends we have. :)

Yes, we know that Birthday is missing the "h". Thanks anonymous person for the reminder. :p

On April Fools Day week we were able to celebrate Christopher's 29th birthday. I can't believe he is one year older! I remember when we first got married and he was only 26! The time has just flown by. Chris spent his birthday going to work and school. I found him this Star Wars birthday badge that I made him wear all day. :) We were able to get his favorite meal "Panda Express" for dinner, and then we headed over to the Wharton Center to see the Broadway play "The Lion King". We had 4th row seats, and it was AMAZING! We sat right next to the Finley's which made it even more fun. I couldn't help but have goosebumps the entire time. The music, costumes, everything was incredible. Chris and I just loved it. For his birthday I got him a bunch of Star Wars stuff which included a Star Wars hat, balloons, light saber, book, and his the new Star Wars Wii game(with light sabers). He has had such a fun time playing with it. He thinks it has been a great way to eliminate some anger and stress. I am so grateful for such a sexy, funny, smart, caring, and loving husband. I know Preslie was proud to see her Daddy have a fun birthday, I am sure she poked in and gave him a kiss.

This week we had Enrichment. We decided to do a "Purse-onal Enrichment" theme. I was called to be the Enrichment leader about 4 months ago, and I have loved planning and preparing for the upcoming activity. Val came up with the idea of doing a 3D purse cake. I jumped right on top of that! I spent many weeks doing research, and I finally found the cutest fondant purse in a book from Hobby Lobby. I pre-made all the fondant a few days before, and then after Lion King on Wednesday decided to start baking the cakes. Aubrey came over and helped me, and we didn't get finished with the bottom layer until 4:30am! I spent the entire next day assembling and baking the "purse" part of the cake. I finally finished it minutes before I had to go to my Government Internship class. When we were transferring the cake over to the church the purse on top of the bottom layer fell backwards, and destroyed the back of the cake. All I could do is stare at it with anger and frustration. I had spent countless hours on that cake, and for it to get ruined! Maybe I was being too prideful in my work, and I was taught a humble lesson or something. I had Aubrey run to the store to get frosting, but nothing would work. We finally decided to cut the bottom layer, take the decorations off the purse and put them on top of the big layer. We threw the handle in the top and then stuffed tissue paper over the bottom. Everyone was very sweet and said it looked good, but I was still so disappointed.

Enrichment turned out to be very fun. We had a great turnout, and the food was delicious. Thank you to everyone who stayed and helped clean up, as well as came early to help set up!

Before and After Pictures of the "Purse Cake"

Friday night the excitement continued. Chris and I went over to the Hogges with the Boardmans, and I painted Aubrey's tummy like an Easter egg. I told her my idea a few weeks ago, and after some convincing she let me do it. It took me about an 1 1/2hours to do, and it looked AWESOME! I thought it would be a fun memory for baby Cadance to see when she grows up. Thanks for being a good sport Aubrey! :)

Saturday the Boardmans invited us over to decorate Easter eggs with them. Chris and I have never decorated them in our married life. It was fun to be able to have another first together. Since Bauer is way into planets, we dyed the eggs with a "planet kit". Thank you so much for inviting us over Boardmans! We love you guys!

Saturday night ended with Michigan State going to the Finals. The Miners invited us over for Mexican Pizza, while we enjoyed the game. The men really wanted to stay and watch the game, but knew they better go to the Priesthood Session. To our delight Michigan State won the game, and I am #2 on our group bracket. I have Michigan State winning, so I am going to cheer hard tomorrow night.

That's all for now! I am sure this week will be even more exciting and busy. Hope you all have a good week. :)