Thursday, April 16, 2009

An Exact Replica Of A Figment of My Imagination

During our weekend in Virginia I decided to read the book "An Exact Replica of A Figment of My Imagination". Many people had recommended it to me, and my cousin thoughtfully sent it to me. The book is about a writer who loses her first child, similarly to the way Chris and I did. The book goes on to describe her experience with the loss of her child, and the start of life with another pregnancy and new child. (Rough explanation of the book)

It took me a few hours to read, and afterwards I just sat there. I was irked how the book was so dark, and how there was no "lighter side" to it. I struggled for many many months to pick up the book and read it, because I felt like I didn't want to read a story about a woman who lost her baby and then had another one. I felt like I was still grieving the loss of Preslie, that the thought of moving on or forward frightened me. I am glad I read the book, however was disappointed in the message it portrayed. I felt like she really didn't let us into her deep emotions, that it was kindof just the timeline of things. I also did not like how she didn't think her son was an angel...

It is however refreshing to hear of happy endings coming out of such a tragic loss. I have found that parents who have experienced a loss similar to ours, have come out on top with many beautiful, crying babies within the years to come.

The future scares me. My mom keeps reminding me that "Faith and Fear cannot coincide". That is sometimes easier said then done. The fear of the unknown is so scary but after this last conference it was a breath of fresh air to hear of losses, and how women, parents, and even General Authorities were able to pull through. I cannot wait to listen to them over and over again. I know that these General Authorities are called by God, and that God knew there were many of us who needed to hear those words spoken.

If anyone has read or has heard of any good books that deals with loss, moving forward, etc. Please let me know. I have become a reading maniac!


Jason and Ashley said...

Hey Rylie! I have been thinking about you lately. A friend of mine just lost her baby in March, due to her developing HELLP syndrome when she was 22 weeks along. I sent her and her husband this book-"Mommy, Please Don't Cry: There Are No Tears in Heaven" by Linda Deymaz. My heartaches for you. I hope that this book might help bring you comfort Rylie! I do have to let you know that your faith and strength amaze me! You are an amazing woman! You are in my prayers!

Brittanie said...

My favorite one was "Angel Children" by Mary V. Hill. She's LDS and lost a son before he was a year old. The only problem is, I believe it's out of print. I have read of another LDS-authored book about the loss of a baby/child but I don't remember the name of either the book or the author.

You know, I was so terrified to get pregnant again. Part of me was afraid that Cora was my "one chance" which is silly because my patriarchal blessing talks about my sonS and daughterS. But when loss is your only experience, it's hard to imagine it ever working out. That fear is such a hard thing to master, but sometimes you just have to let Jesus have the wheel, so to speak. Letting go of the perceived control of the situation is the hardest part.


Ann said...

Hey Rylie. My friend lost her child that was Laurens age. It was last August or September. She has been reading some books that her midwife gave her that she likes. I will get the titles from her and let you know what they are. I know she takes some of the things she has learned from them and writes them on her blog too. I will get them to you as soon as I can.

Courtney said...

Moving forward terrifies me. Even though we have a plan set in motion I am still very nervous. I know its going to be the norm for us and I am learning to cope with it but forcing it to leave our world is something that us baby lost mothers just can't do easily. I wish we could. I am not at a point where moving forward makes me more excited than terrified. This is how I knew for sure we were ready. Again that fear is there and will be until I pass that 22 week mark with our next baby.

I am always here for you my friend, ALWAYS!!!


Janee said...

Sorry to hear that book wasn't very uplifting. Bummer. You know my friend Lena has a bunch of stuff on her blog about loss, recovery, etc. if you haven't checked it out already.

The Pond Family said...

A book I read soon after Keelan passed was "Making Sense of Suffering." It's probably at deseret book or I would be MORE than haapy to send it to you to read if you want.

Your mom is very right, although sometimes it is so hard to realize. I found out I was pregnant with Jarom 5 days after Keelan passed. I was TERRIFIED to bring another child into the world. I was so scared just having Ellie, let alone bringing another baby in to this world. I was scared I was going to lose another child, and if I didn't have any more kids, it would lessen my chances of something horrible happening again. Spencer and I talked about it over and over, again and again and came to the conclusion that Heavenly Father blessed me as a vessel to which his children can come into this world, even if it is just to receive a body. If they leave, it's His plan and they are more needed to be with him, if they stay until they die of old age, they weren't needed until that point by our Father. It's a hard thing to do, but we have decided that we will put complete Faith in the Lord. He knows what is right for our family and when and if a child should enter our lives. We've decided to welcome any pregnancy I am given with open arms and not do anything to prevent a pregnancy.

The Lord knows what He is doing- and we will fully comprehend His ways in the life to come. I think that the most comforting thought is that all of the Lord's doings are motivated by His love for us, and His desire for us to understand why He does what He does.

People used to tell me all the time that I'm "so strong" and that they could "never go through something like you". I always thought to myself "Psh. I'm not strong at all. I'm not doing this by choice. I'm probably weaker than you." But when you think about it, the Lord gave you this challenge because he knows you ARE strong. He trusts you with His choice and you WILL come out on top-a better person.

I loved this last General Conference too. We recorded it and I know we will find great comfort in listening to it often.

I've been praying for you guys. You're always in my thoughts :).