Wednesday, October 28, 2009

We made it through

We would like to thank EVERYONE for helping us remember Preslie on her Angelversary. Chris and I were so touched by all the balloons flown for her, and the acts of service you had shared. We know that without all of you we would not be here today. You all have truly helped us to remember and to move forward with faith.

Last week was full of every emotion imaginable. Chris and I weren't sure how we were suppose to be feeling, or even acting. There were times of Deja Vu, and times of pure fear. There were also somber times of remembering the good times we had while pregnant with Preslie, and the time when we were able to see the precious angel that she is. We spent many hours remembering that awful day when she had died, and then how special it was when she was born.

For Preslie's Angelversary we picked up many balloons, roses, a little stuffed bear that had a one on it, and a Winnie the Pooh wearing a Princess sash. We packed up the gifts and headed up towards Mount Hope Cemetery. We took all our gifts inside and displayed them on her little tomb. The feeling in there was so strong, and we just couldn't believe that we were singing Happy Birthday to our dead daughter.

After spending some time in the mausoleum, we headed outside with our big bouquet of balloons. Chris and I wrote on a few of them, and then together we sent them flying into the sky.

There were a few balloons that didn't want to fly with the others, so the stuck themselves into the tree. It was neat to see them there, as if a piece of Preslie wanted to stay with us. After leaving the cemetery we decided we needed to do something to celebrate Preslie, so we went to her favorite place from the womb... Olive Garden. After a nice dinner Chris and I both went to get pedicures. Chris claimed that since Preslie could not go with me on her birthday that he would go in her stead. He is such a great trooper. After the little Asian woman finished with his feet Chris whipped out hot pink nail polish and had her paint his middle toe on each foot, in memory of Preslie. The entire salon got a great laugh over that. (Picture coming soon)

After a long day we headed home, where I took a very much needed nap. When I woke up there were a few gifts from our dear friends. I felt so loved. There were many flowers, cards, and then a stunningly beautiful cross-stitched picture of an angel that my dear friend Aubrey made for us. I could not stop staring at it. We decided to put all the flowers around the picture, and to light a candle that night.

We ended the night putting a candle into a Pumpkin Pie, and singing "Happy Birthday" for the last time.

Looking back, I NEVER would have thought I would be sitting here today. Grief is a very personal and intense ride. There were times when I would literally think I was going crazy, and times when I probably was. I don't like to think back to my darkest grieving times, but there were days when I wanted to give up. All I wanted to do was be united with Preslie, and forget everything else in my life. Well, we can see that clearly those days are in the past. I still have moments of break downs, the anger still visits every so often, and the pain sometimes creeps in and tries to tell me that it's just too hard to bear. There came a time when I had to make a choice, where I could either live in my past (which I knew what it was), or take a leap of faith and walk forward into the unknowing. I don't know when I made the decision, I think that with time I slowly continued to move my feet towards the future.

The longing to hold a baby of my own never disappeared. My arms then and now feel empty, I still doubt that it will even happen for me. All we know how to do is to have hope, faith, and continue to take each day as they come. We are grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant right now, I truly believe that it has kept me looking forward. Being pregnant after our loss, has been a very real emotional ride. A roller coaster in and of itself. We knew it would be difficult, but we never imagined how raw and frightening it can be at times. We also never imagined how blessed and peaceful we would feel during this pregnancy as well. It's a comfort to know that we have a guardian angel watching out for us.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Happy 1rst Angelversary Preslie Quinn!

A year ago today we saw the face of an angel. She had beautiful brown curly hair, her dads toes, my ears and hands, and her dads cheeks. She was perfect in every way, too perfect in fact to stay with us. We held her as long as we could before we said goodbye, but the longing for her never has gone away. We held an angel, an angel who has forever changed us for the better. A perfect spirit has guided us on the path that we need to follow, and will forever follow. We look back a year ago with sadness in our hearts, because we were so close to having her here with us. We know that she was created for bigger and better things, that we will one day know all about. Today we don't celebrate the life that was lost, we celebrate the day we held our baby who grew her wings. There will be many balloons released for Preslie, as well as many thoughts, prayers, and acts of service.

We all love you Preslie. We are so grateful for the short amount of time we were able to spend with you. We would do anything to have you here even just for a second. We know you are doing great things on the other side, and helping us here on earth as well. We are so proud to have you as our daughter, and our angel. You have touched so many lives, and you continue to help us do and be better people. We hope that you feel our love, and that you know how much we love you. We hope all the other angels are throwing you a huge party today, and that you are able to look down at all the great things people are doing in honor of you. We love you baby P. Families are forever, and we cannot wait for the day where we will see you again. There are no empty chairs at our table, and we will all be at the grand table again soon. We love you Preslie!!


Mommy & Daddy

Monday, October 19, 2009

Happy Birthday Chewy!

We adopted Chewy into our family in January, but he was born in October. Chris and I decided that we needed to throw him his very our birthday party. We picked the date October 19th because it is a day when Preslie was alive, and a few days before her death. We didn't want Chew to feel cheated when Preslie's birthday came around, plus who doesn't like Birthdays?

We wanted to share the growth and cuteness of our little Chew over the past 9 months...

The day we brought him home(January)

He loved to sit on Chris' books

He was always curious when we did the dishes (February)

He wasn't too happy the day of his 4 month birthday

Chew started to stick out his tongue at us, it was so dang cute (March)

He loved his new fish friends (April)

His favorite spot then and now is the kitchen sink (May)

His favorite spot to sleep was on top of his jungle gym (May)

Chew and Chris are best buds

He LOVED my brother Merrick (July)

After sweeping up loads of hair everyday, Merrick and I decided to shave him

Lets just say he took it very well, and looked so tiny and precious

Chris' favorite picture of Chew

I just love Chew (September)

Chris loves Chew too

Chris takes Chewy on a walk outside everday when he gets home

Chewy has such a sweet face (October)

He loves to lay right up against Arista, and try to hold her

Or kick her

Or hug her

For Chew's Birthday we bought a harness for his leash, and I took him for a long walk, and then Chris did too.

We had a few of Chewy's buds come over and play with him.

We bought a huge cake to celebrate!

Chew and his friends blowing out the candle

Chew got some great new toys to play with. Some fun balls to run around with, a little toy mouse, and a feather toy! He is such a spoiled kitty! Thanks for celebrating with us friends! Chewy had a great Birthday, and is passed out from all the excitement.

Chewy is more than just a household pet. He came to us at our darkest and deepest hours, and has brought so much joy and happiness back into our lives. I am not sure how we would have made it through this far without him here along with us. We know the day we saw him that he was meant to be with us. Although he is crazy at times, and makes huge messes with my plants, we love him like a son. Happy Birthday Chewy!!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Infant Loss and Remembrance Day

I woke up today trying not to think about what day it is. Not only is it Infant Loss and Remembrance Day, it is my Due date that I had with Preslie last year. The past few days I have not been able to stop thinking about that day. I couldn't sleep the entire night before, because I was just so excited that I finally made it to my due date. I had a huge playgroup that day with yummy taco salads, and I told the girls to not expect me the following week during the Halloween play group, because I was going to have this baby!

I knew I put a post up today last year, and I tried all day to not think or look at it. Of course I couldn't help but look at it. Ugh, I just feel so sick to my stomach. It scares me to think where I will be this time next year. Will my dream of being a Mom on earth come true? Will I have all angel children? Will I have a beautiful baby girl on my lap to hold and take care of?

I am so grateful for the knowledge that I will be able to see Preslie again, and raise her in a better place. I just wish the time didn't seem so far away. I want to be able to hold her, and plan a huge birthday party a week from today. My heart is full, and my mind is in the past.

Please remember the lost babies today. They are not too far away, and we will remember them. If you can light a candle at 7pm to remember all the little angels, there will be many flames to honor them.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Say Cheese!

Today we were fortunate to have another 3D/4D ultrasound. It is amazing how much bigger she looks in just 2 weeks! The tech was able to show us that Arista has hair! It looked so cute floating in the water! She stuck her tongue out, and smiled at us a few times. After about 15 minutes of camera time she was done. She turned completely around, so all we could see is her little back and little head. We saw her toes and fingers. We are just so in love with this little girl, we can't wait for her to arrive!

Saturday, October 3, 2009

A Walk to Remember

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance month. October 15 is the actual remembrance day, and in honor of our little Preslie we participated in "A Walk to Remember". Two months ago I was searching on the Internet to see if there were any walks going on in Michigan. I stumbled across "A Walk to Remember" in Lowell, Michigan. I immediately called Chris and asked him if he would want to participate this year. Of course he did! I right then and there registered, and paid our fees. I also volunteered us to help out, if needed.

We woke up this morning at 6:30am and got ready to go. The weather outside was rainy and gloomy. The drive was an hour, and when we got there the weather was still no different. Chris and I had the opportunity to work at the name badge table. They had such a neat system for everyone. You would write your name,and then the name of the baby that has passed. If it was your baby you would put a star sticker with a corresponding color signifying whether it was a boy, girl, or unknown. If you were walking for someone else's baby you would put a corresponding sticker only it would be a circle. The amount of parents and supporters were incredible. I couldn't help but feel my heart break for all of the families, and more especially the families with multiple losses.

We were able to receive these t-shirts that had all the baby's names listed on the back.

After everyone had a name badge and had registered, we headed over to a tented area where we were honored to hear from Michigan State Representative Kevin Green. He told us his story of his precious daughter Skyler, who was born into heaven 2 years ago. He talked of his grief, and how being a Dad he felt like he needed to fix the situation. However, he knew that there was nothing he could do. His cute family has a one year old Elliot and another baby girl on the way. As a grieving Dad in his position he was able to pass funding in Michigan for Stillbirth research. I feel so grateful we were able to hear from him.

After hearing from the Representative, we were handed out balloons and a marker to write something on it.

We then carried our balloons a short way through the park into this beautiful open area by a huge pond. The many many balloons brought tears to my eyes, to think of all the little babies that had been lost.

When everyone arrived at the destination all the precious angel babies names were read off one by one. When a baby's name was announced the family and friends would release their balloon or balloons. Right when the balloons started to fly, the sun starting to shine through the clouds. What a great tender mercy that was. When Preslie's name was read I couldn't help but cry. Watching her little pink balloon fly up towards the heavens was a lot more emotional then I had anticipated. I wanted to keep my balloon. I wanted Preslie to be with us here on earth. We watched her balloon fly higher and higher until it disappeared into the clouds.

Waiting to release balloons

Preslie's balloon taking flight

Climbing higher and higher

After the balloon release we walked a short 1/2 mile to a bridge. We walked the steps our children will never take, we walked for them today.

We walked back to the car feeling the love and loss we have for our precious daughter, and the gratitude we have that we were able to have her as long as we did. We are so grateful that we were able to take part in something to remember all the little babies gone too soon. For the opportunity to come together as parents and family, and to see that we are not alone. We were all touched and blessed by angels.