Wednesday, October 28, 2009

We made it through

We would like to thank EVERYONE for helping us remember Preslie on her Angelversary. Chris and I were so touched by all the balloons flown for her, and the acts of service you had shared. We know that without all of you we would not be here today. You all have truly helped us to remember and to move forward with faith.

Last week was full of every emotion imaginable. Chris and I weren't sure how we were suppose to be feeling, or even acting. There were times of Deja Vu, and times of pure fear. There were also somber times of remembering the good times we had while pregnant with Preslie, and the time when we were able to see the precious angel that she is. We spent many hours remembering that awful day when she had died, and then how special it was when she was born.

For Preslie's Angelversary we picked up many balloons, roses, a little stuffed bear that had a one on it, and a Winnie the Pooh wearing a Princess sash. We packed up the gifts and headed up towards Mount Hope Cemetery. We took all our gifts inside and displayed them on her little tomb. The feeling in there was so strong, and we just couldn't believe that we were singing Happy Birthday to our dead daughter.

After spending some time in the mausoleum, we headed outside with our big bouquet of balloons. Chris and I wrote on a few of them, and then together we sent them flying into the sky.

There were a few balloons that didn't want to fly with the others, so the stuck themselves into the tree. It was neat to see them there, as if a piece of Preslie wanted to stay with us. After leaving the cemetery we decided we needed to do something to celebrate Preslie, so we went to her favorite place from the womb... Olive Garden. After a nice dinner Chris and I both went to get pedicures. Chris claimed that since Preslie could not go with me on her birthday that he would go in her stead. He is such a great trooper. After the little Asian woman finished with his feet Chris whipped out hot pink nail polish and had her paint his middle toe on each foot, in memory of Preslie. The entire salon got a great laugh over that. (Picture coming soon)

After a long day we headed home, where I took a very much needed nap. When I woke up there were a few gifts from our dear friends. I felt so loved. There were many flowers, cards, and then a stunningly beautiful cross-stitched picture of an angel that my dear friend Aubrey made for us. I could not stop staring at it. We decided to put all the flowers around the picture, and to light a candle that night.

We ended the night putting a candle into a Pumpkin Pie, and singing "Happy Birthday" for the last time.

Looking back, I NEVER would have thought I would be sitting here today. Grief is a very personal and intense ride. There were times when I would literally think I was going crazy, and times when I probably was. I don't like to think back to my darkest grieving times, but there were days when I wanted to give up. All I wanted to do was be united with Preslie, and forget everything else in my life. Well, we can see that clearly those days are in the past. I still have moments of break downs, the anger still visits every so often, and the pain sometimes creeps in and tries to tell me that it's just too hard to bear. There came a time when I had to make a choice, where I could either live in my past (which I knew what it was), or take a leap of faith and walk forward into the unknowing. I don't know when I made the decision, I think that with time I slowly continued to move my feet towards the future.

The longing to hold a baby of my own never disappeared. My arms then and now feel empty, I still doubt that it will even happen for me. All we know how to do is to have hope, faith, and continue to take each day as they come. We are grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant right now, I truly believe that it has kept me looking forward. Being pregnant after our loss, has been a very real emotional ride. A roller coaster in and of itself. We knew it would be difficult, but we never imagined how raw and frightening it can be at times. We also never imagined how blessed and peaceful we would feel during this pregnancy as well. It's a comfort to know that we have a guardian angel watching out for us.


Jennalee :) said...

I am so glad you had such a neat day. What loving parents you are!

Aubreydoll said...

Wow, I don't even know what to say after reading that. You and Chris are such loving, wonderful parents! I was picturing you singing "Happy Birthday" in the mausoleum and it made me so sad that she couldn't be here to celebrate with you, but Preslie couldn't have asked for better parents. You are both such amazing people and we're so excited for little Arista to be in your family now, too. We love you so much!

Anonymous said...

What a rare and incredible couple you are. You've developed such faith and have displayed such courage as you walked through this huge challenge. As well, choosing to share your pain and vulnerability has provided a tool for others enduring loss to review and use in their own grief work. We cannot choose what we will have endure here on earth, but we can choose how we will respond to trials. Your response is a gift and a blessing to others who are dealing with loss. Preslie & Arista are so blessed to have the two of you as parents. You will all continue to be often in my prayers through the coming month. Safe journey!

Lisa G-K

Sami and Mark said...

Your friend did an amazing job on that picture. What a special gift. Arista is so blessed to be coming into such a loving family. I'm sure Preslie is watching over her and keeping her safe for you guys. She'll be here before you know it. Just a few weeks left! I am so excited for you guys. Good luck with the last few weeks and stay strong. My prayers are with you guys.

jefferies said...

So beautiful. What a beautiful day. Also very sad. I'm bawling...I get all of your emotions. What a difficult, trying and also beautiful journey.
Here is a poem for you:
As you come to the edge of all you know
And are about to step out into the darkness of the unknown
One of two things will happen
Either there will be something solid to stand on
Or you will be taught how to fly
-author unknown
Take that step! I'm lighting a candle for you and keeping you close.

J&E said...

You are a beautiful example to all of us and I know that Preslie is very proud of you and I am sure she was with you during all of her celebrations. You two are fabulous parents. (And way to go Chris on winning the "Best Husband of the Night" award in my book). I love you guys. I'm thinking of and praying for you often.
Love, Hugs, Kisses, and a Tummy Rub your way,

Janee said...


Courtney said...

Love you Rylie. I so would do anything in my powers to have Preslie here with both of you.

Thinking of you dear friend.

Alexis said...

I've been thinking of you guys all month and will continue to pray for you as you await baby Arista. I'm so grateful the first year is over for you guys, may you continue to heal and be blessed and watched over!
I can't wait to see Arista! I wonder if she'll look like Preslie?

April said...

Thinking of you Rylie. It was Harry's yesterday. It was very emotional. I pray she is with you always. Love you and thinking of you.

Brady and Rachel said...

Rylie, You don't know me, but I've read your blog many times throughout the past year and more. I'm sorry if I never commented sooner (I can't remember for sure). I'm an old friend of Lexie Phillips if that helps. I found your blog last September when we first found out we were expecting another baby. We didn't know if it was a boy or girl, and didn't chose not to find out, but one day I was trying to come up with some possible names (boy or girl, and had given up on baby name books, etc, so I thought, I would glance at friends of friends blogs to see if I could come up with any original names that I liked if that makes sense. I figured it might help if I saw a picture of a kid with a unique name I liked, it might help me to see that name as a possibility. I know, maybe I am weird, it was just that with our 2nd boy (it took my husband seeing a kid with the name Camden, to really sink in that it was a possible name for a little boy). I saw at the time you were pregnant, and I get excited for anyone expecting, etc. a month or so later, I was on Lexie's blog and I remembered that you were expecting before and had likely had your sweet baby, so I checked to see your update. I was shocked, saddened, I can't even think of all the emotions that went through me when I pulled up your blog. I started crying immediately. I can't even begin to understand just how hard it was on you and has been for you over the past year. My heart broke for you. But over the last year, though my heart still breaks everytime I think of you and your hubby and sweet beautiful angel, you have been an Incredible example to me of faith, courage, hope, and so much more! Thank you! I was SO excited when it had been a while since I had even gotten on my own blog, let alone check anyone else's blogs, and finally checked and saw that you were expecting another beautiful angel! The name you've chosen is simply PERFECT. I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster this pregnancy has been for you guys, but know that there are many people, even those you don't know, that pray for your family during these hard times. I mainly just want you to know that I appreciate your words and thoughts and being willing to share them even though they are hard for you (which I'm sure is an understatement). It strengthens so many around you, and even those far away, including me. I tend to worry a lot in my life and worry about every possible thing that "could" go wrong, etc. To see examples of those who, are normal ordinary people, yet surviving extraordinary trials, gives me hope that no matter what trials I am faced with in my life, no matter how hard, I will be able to make it through, even if it is just one small step at a time. Thank you again for sharing your fears, hope, faith, and testimony. Your words are beautifully written and shared. Thank you for allowing your blog to be readable by others that you may not know.

Michelle said...

Hey there-
So I had this dream last's been on my mind all day. I finally met you in my dream. we embraced and cried together for quite some time. You were as you are now, pregnant, hopeful, fearful, strong...we talked a lot about your Preslie and I saw her, perfect, angelic, beautiful. We talked about your hopes and dreams for this new baby, of your fears and I remember telling you many times that everything would be OK. It was a great dream, and one that has come to my mind many many times today and I knew I needed to share it with you! Love you dear dear friend!!!

Our Family said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Prayers for you and your family. HOpe you have a great many happy days ahead.