We would like to thank EVERYONE for helping us remember Preslie on her Angelversary. Chris and I were so touched by all the balloons flown for her, and the acts of service you had shared. We know that without all of you we would not be here today. You all have truly helped us to remember and to move forward with faith.
Last week was full of every emotion imaginable. Chris and I weren't sure how we were suppose to be feeling, or even acting. There were times of Deja Vu, and times of pure fear. There were also somber times of remembering the good times we had while pregnant with Preslie, and the time when we were able to see the precious angel that she is. We spent many hours remembering that awful day when she had died, and then how special it was when she was born.
For Preslie's Angelversary we picked up many balloons, roses, a little stuffed bear that had a one on it, and a Winnie the Pooh wearing a Princess sash. We packed up the gifts and headed up towards Mount Hope Cemetery. We took all our gifts inside and displayed them on her little tomb. The feeling in there was so strong, and we just couldn't believe that we were singing Happy Birthday to our dead daughter.
After spending some time in the mausoleum, we headed outside with our big bouquet of balloons. Chris and I wrote on a few of them, and then together we sent them flying into the sky.
There were a few balloons that didn't want to fly with the others, so the stuck themselves into the tree. It was neat to see them there, as if a piece of Preslie wanted to stay with us. After leaving the cemetery we decided we needed to do something to celebrate Preslie, so we went to her favorite place from the womb... Olive Garden. After a nice dinner Chris and I both went to get pedicures. Chris claimed that since Preslie could not go with me on her birthday that he would go in her stead. He is such a great trooper. After the little Asian woman finished with his feet Chris whipped out hot pink nail polish and had her paint his middle toe on each foot, in memory of Preslie. The entire salon got a great laugh over that. (Picture coming soon)
After a long day we headed home, where I took a very much needed nap. When I woke up there were a few gifts from our dear friends. I felt so loved. There were many flowers, cards, and then a stunningly beautiful cross-stitched picture of an angel that my dear friend Aubrey made for us. I could not stop staring at it. We decided to put all the flowers around the picture, and to light a candle that night.
We ended the night putting a candle into a Pumpkin Pie, and singing "Happy Birthday" for the last time.
Looking back, I NEVER would have thought I would be sitting here today. Grief is a very personal and intense ride. There were times when I would literally think I was going crazy, and times when I probably was. I don't like to think back to my darkest grieving times, but there were days when I wanted to give up. All I wanted to do was be united with Preslie, and forget everything else in my life. Well, we can see that clearly those days are in the past. I still have moments of break downs, the anger still visits every so often, and the pain sometimes creeps in and tries to tell me that it's just too hard to bear. There came a time when I had to make a choice, where I could either live in my past (which I knew what it was), or take a leap of faith and walk forward into the unknowing. I don't know when I made the decision, I think that with time I slowly continued to move my feet towards the future.
The longing to hold a baby of my own never disappeared. My arms then and now feel empty, I still doubt that it will even happen for me. All we know how to do is to have hope, faith, and continue to take each day as they come. We are grateful for the opportunity to be pregnant right now, I truly believe that it has kept me looking forward. Being pregnant after our loss, has been a very real emotional ride. A roller coaster in and of itself. We knew it would be difficult, but we never imagined how raw and frightening it can be at times. We also never imagined how blessed and peaceful we would feel during this pregnancy as well. It's a comfort to know that we have a guardian angel watching out for us.