Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

I feel like I am regressing. Meaning that instead of moving forward through my grieving I have taken a few steps backwards. I have heard that this is very common, and when you move forward again you are a bit stronger each time. I have just been having the hardest time coming to grips with the fact that Preslie will never come home. Chris and I finally figured out a few weeks ago that it's almost as if I am still waiting for Preslie to come. I waited 2 months after getting back from Washington DC to have Preslie, and I literally sat and waited for her arrival. Then we had everything ready, we left to go to the hospital with her and she never came home. I feel like I am still waiting for her to come home. I know that she won't, and that I am wasting time and energy "waiting". It's just been eating at me the past month, and really putting me down.

I am not sure what the 5 month anniversary did to me, but I just feels like it's another month of waiting. I realize I am going to be waiting a very long time before I get the opportunity to see Preslie, but I am impatient. Maybe that is what I am suppose to learn from all of this, is to have Patience. It's so hard though! I want her now! I would never want this to happen to anyone, but I can't help but think about people who don't even want kids who end up having them. Or people who abandon their babies, and literally throw them away. Or our drugged up neighbors who don't give a hoot what temperature it is outside but proceeds to have their windows open with their naked boys yelling outside. Why when parents want a child so badly are they the ones who get them taken away? We will never know until we ask God ourselves.

In our institute class Brother Draut always tells us how great it will be when we will get to raise our daughter, and not have to worry about her ever being sick or hurt, or in pain, that we will be able to raise a celestial baby who was too perfect to be here. It brings me such comfort to know that Preslie never had to experience any pain, that she will never have to experience the trials that we all face. We want her here so badly but, great will be the day when we can raise her in a perfect place.

In the book I am currently reading "Overcoming Personal Loss" It says to allow yourself to go to your happy place, with your loved one you have lost. I find myself going there all the time. I just love to imagine what she would look like, how her eyes would sparkle, and how curly her hair would be. I like to think that going to that happy place is a taste of what is to come.

My all time favorite movie is "The Wizard of Oz". I can't help to think of the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", because over the rainbow is where Preslie is.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Sunday, March 22, 2009

5 Months

5 months down, a LIFETIME to go before we will get to hold our sweet angel again.

I wish I could say that it get's easier, and that the pain and sadness disappears. Such is not the case for us. The sadness and pain is always there, it just gets locked away sometimes.

We will never be who we once were, we have to live and endure in who we have become.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Mazel Tov!

Tonight we put on our Jewish Wedding, in my wedding planning class. There are 2 groups in the class. The first group went first, and their wedding was a traditional everyday type wedding. They did a pretty good job, but there were a lot of mistakes.

Our group was up next, and let me just say we took the cake. We had Chris come and be the groom, Brian Hogge be the Rabbi, and other family members for other parts. It turned out awesome. It was so much fun, and well worth all the hard work we put into it. Next week we will be doing our table settings to be graded. I will show pictures then.

It was really neat to be the bride and groom, and to reenact a different religions wedding. They have some pretty strange traditions, but very neat at the same time.


Groom and Rabbi - A woman in our group made the flowers and yamakas. They turned out great

Walking around the groom 7 times - The Chuppah was made out of muslin and tied with fishing wire, and pvc pipes.

Listening to the 7 blessings

Groom breaking the glass

Mozel Tov!

Our Wedding Planning Group

I have had such a great time in this class, and am sad that it is ending next month. Mozel Tov everyone!

Monday, March 16, 2009

SPRING BREAK and a Weekend Getaway!

Chris and I were talking for weeks about how excited we were for Spring Break. We couldn't wait to be able to spend all of our days together, and just be with each other. Unfortunately that was not the case.

Here is how Chris' Spring Break started out.

The rest of the week Chris spent with a fever reaching as high as 102, and not being able to get up longer than about 5 minutes. Poor guy!

I spent my Spring Break preparing for my upcoming "Jewish Wedding" in my Wedding Planning class. I went to a meeting to get things all prepared and made about 300 cream cheese mints. Thanks so much to Aubrey for her help in making those, they were a mini nightmare. The favors turned out looking really well, and I am excited to see them with our table settings.

I then spent 3 nights helping Aubrey paint her bedroom. After 1 coat of primer and 3coats of color, it looks FANTASTIC. I can't wait to see it when it is all finished and put together.

I worked 2 days this week at Representative Bolger’s, office and wrote 6 tribute letters with little error. :)

Here is another re-cap of Chris' Spring Break:

To end my stressful Spring Break I went on a weekend getaway with Erika and Aubrey. We left Saturday around 1:30pm and drove to Kalamazoo where we stayed at an awesome hotel. When we arrived we put our swimming suits on and hit the pool for an hour. It felt so good to swim, it has been forever.

After swimming we showered and got all jazzed up, and headed out to eat at a restaurant called Bilbos. We weren't sure what it would be like when we pulled up. We really wanted Olive Garden but the wait was way too long. Come to find out it was a Lord of the Rings restaurant. All the names on the menu had something to do with The Lord of The Rings. They had really yummy pizza there. I could not wait to tell Chris about it. We will definitely have to take him back to eat there.

After eating we drove downtown to see the comedian Brian Regan. His brother started off the show, and was hilarious. Brian was so funny, and we had such great seats. We were seated in the middle section 7th row from the front. We all had laugh lines really bad after his show. I think we laughed non-stop for an hour and a half. It was so great.

Outside the Theater

Us at the Show!

Brian Regan!!

Another recap of Chris during my weekend getaway:

After the show we really wanted to go dancing. Unfortunately the club we went to had zero dancing going on. After driving around for 1 1/2 hours we ended up at IHOP and ate breakfast. We stayed there and talked for a few hours and then went back to the hotel, where we talked until 4am! We woke up the next morning and headed out to the Kalamazoo Nature Center where they had the Maple Sugar Festival going on. We had all you can eat pancakes and sausage, they even had maple syrup cotton candy. I cannot wait to try mine after I am through with lent.

All you can eat pancakes

After the festival we drove back to Lansing and went and got some Olive Garden. We weren't ready to end our weekend yet, so we went and saw "The Reader" Kate Winslit did an AMAZING job! We LOVED the movie. I am going to read the book. After such a fun weekend it had to come to an end. I had such a great time, and wish we could have stayed out even longer. Thank you Erika and Aubrey for such an unforgettable weekend filled with tons of laughs. I love you girls!

What started out as a stressful Spring Break turned out to be a great one. Chris is feeling better and went back to school today. We are grateful that he got sick when he did, so he wouldn't miss school. Now, back to life!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Thinking of Others

I just wanted to say how much I admire my wife Rylie for her ability to think and care about others when it would be so easy to focus only on ourselves at this time. Rylie does a lot of little things that no one sees or hears about so I though I would share a few. Since Preslie's death Rylie has found so many families who have angels in heaven. A month ago a couple lost twins and my sweet Rylie, deeply saddened by this, remembered the comfort that she felt when our friends got us a blanket so decided to make a basket full of things with a similar blanket and poem to ease some of this couple's pain. Another example happened a couple days ago when Rylie was looking at obituaries. She found a couple here in Michigan who lost their baby and even though she didnt know them sent a nice card with things that might help them in their journey of peace such as writing your angel's name in the sand and writing a blog.

Rylie said something funny to me the other night, "If it wasnt for me we wouldnt do anything nice for anybody." I smiled and laughed. It is in my nature to be cheap and only spend money on my girls but I agree I need to do more things for people. Preslie would want us to help others and I have seen that by helping others it truly has healed Rylie a little.

It has broken my heart seeing all the families who have to go through devastating and heartbreaking trials here on earth. I was pondering the other day how different it could have been if we had Preslie right now. I would have her on my lap with her little Duke outfit and I can honestly say I dont know if Rylie and I would have a worry in the world. We had a support group on Thursday night and while walkin into the hospital we saw this little child, no more than 3 years of age with little crutches struggling walking out and I felt so bad. I just wanted to give him a hug and say you are doing great. I was like how can this happen to little kids? It made me so mad that these little ones have to go through trials when they should just be having fun with no worries at all.

Well thanks for reading and I encourage you to do nice things for others. We have had many people do so many simple things that have brought smiles to our faces and I am grateful for my wife and mother who have shown me that by serving and helping others you can have some peace in your hearts.

Friday, March 6, 2009

When Will We Get Our Rainbow?!?!???

This week started out really rough, and has continued along those same lines. I have found that I am starting to force the sad thoughts of Preslie, in a safe place way back in my brain. I have done that for the past 2 weeks. Chris and others have noticed that I have had a lot of really good days. However, it has come back with a vengeance. I believe I have cried more these past 4 days then I have in my entire life. It got so bad the other night that I was physically sick! Ugh! Just when I thought things were starting to move forward, I have taken about 10 steps back.

I have prayed that something would just go right for Chris and I, and it seems like we are constantly hit with one thing after another. When are we going to ever get a break? When is something going to go right for us? When will we feel happy again? So many questions, and no answers. I have been so frustrated with myself for feeling sad and feeling upset, because I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way. Preslie wouldn't want me to feel this way.

I feel like I am stuck in the anger stage of my grief. I am angry that Preslie is not here with us, and that we won't get the answers for a while. I am angry that we are constantly hit with one hurtful thing after another. I am angry that we are no longer happy. I am angry that I am no longer the person I used to be, and I am angry that Chris isn't the person he used to be. I am just angry! I am going to be starting a kickboxing class this month, which I hope will help get rid of some of my anger.

I have been reading a book called, "Overcoming Personal Loss" and I have found it to actually be more helpful then the books geared specifically towards my situation. The author Duane Hiatt makes a lot of suggestions to try in each chapter, and Chris and I have been trying to do them. A specific thing he suggested is to write out a list of things you are grateful for, and the blessings you have in your life. Then cross each one out, and imagine your life without them. After going through each one rewrite what you have crossed out, and have a better appreciation for them. Things could be worse, even though we don't see it. It was hard for me to think that things could be worse then they are, until I sat down and realized that I am fortunate that I still have many good things in my life. It's so easy to dwell on my sadness and anger, but I am hoping that over time It will balance out.

I ordered a book last week called "Sleeping Angel", I received it in the mail yesterday and read it in 30 minutes. It is a really short book, but the author's situation was almost identical to mine. She was almost 41 weeks pregnant, and her baby passed away. They never found out what was wrong with her son, but he was perfectly healthy. It was neat to read her story and relate to the many feelings that she had. She gave a lot of suggestions for the parents, and also grandparents, family and friends. It took me a while to find the book, all of the local bookstores didn't carry it. I am glad I finally found it.

I was able to meet with Courtney, a fellow Mother of baby angels. She is fantastic! It was so nice to sit down and just be able to talk about everything with her, and have her know what I am feeling and going through. I am so grateful that I was able to meet her, and get to know her in person. Courtney I just love you, and cannot wait to meet with you again next week. :) I really appreciate all the fellow mothers continued love, prayers and comments. It has really helped pull me through this difficult time. I was telling Chris the other day that we are in such a special and sacred group of people, we have become forever bonded through our angel babies.

Running through my mind constantly today was the line: "Life isn't meant to be easy". If I received all the answers to my prayers life would be fantastic! Rainbows, sunshine, lollipops, sprinkles, and HAPPINESS. I now know why that line went through my head today, the things I were hoping for would have made life too easy for Chris and I. All we can do is move forward, and hope that someday we will have our happily ever after.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Love WILL keep us alive

Love will keep us alive!! When the band-aid get's ripped off repeatedly, it is nice at the end of the day to have each other. I have no idea what I would do without Chris, he has been a rock through everything. I wanted to give up so many times, but he keeps pushing me on. I sometimes feel like Chris and I are celebrities, and we cannot get away from the chatter and public talk about our situation. It is so comforting to know that we have each other, and that through this we will come out stronger on the other end if we can just hold on and make it that far. I am looking forward to the day when I can think about Preslie, and not feel emptiness and sadness. It kills me to look at pictures of before Preslie, and see how happy we were. We had no clue what life would throw us, and how sad we would end up being. Oh how I miss my baby girl. I am just grateful that I still have Chris, and that one day we will all be together again. I just wish it wasn't so dang far away.

The Claw

Chris and I were at Mejier Friday night to rent from the Redbox. Right next to the Redbox was a claw machine, with a lot of different stuffed animals. There were these two girls who put in at least ten dollars trying to grab any stuffed animal they could, unfortunately they walked away with nothing. I always saw that claw machine there every time I went, and I really wanted to give it a shot. I am the queen of the claw machine. Every time I have played it I have won something, my mom is the same way also. One time we left with 5 stuffed animals, and no we didn't put in a ton of money either. I asked Chris for a dollar, and reluctantly he handed one over. I didn't get anything. I asked for another dollar, and after much begging and pleading he handed one over. The claw went down over the Tigger, and out he came!!! I was ecstatic! Chris turned around and yelled "SHE WON!". It was so funny! It totally made my whole night. Chris said he would never doubt me again...

Today the Boardmans' invited us to go to the Planetarium right next to the law school. There was this really fun show called the "Solar System Safari", it went through all the planets and then showed the constellations. The best part was this starry roller coaster ride at the end. It was neat to do something out of the norm. Thanks for the invite friends!