Friday, March 6, 2009

When Will We Get Our Rainbow?!?!???

This week started out really rough, and has continued along those same lines. I have found that I am starting to force the sad thoughts of Preslie, in a safe place way back in my brain. I have done that for the past 2 weeks. Chris and others have noticed that I have had a lot of really good days. However, it has come back with a vengeance. I believe I have cried more these past 4 days then I have in my entire life. It got so bad the other night that I was physically sick! Ugh! Just when I thought things were starting to move forward, I have taken about 10 steps back.

I have prayed that something would just go right for Chris and I, and it seems like we are constantly hit with one thing after another. When are we going to ever get a break? When is something going to go right for us? When will we feel happy again? So many questions, and no answers. I have been so frustrated with myself for feeling sad and feeling upset, because I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way. Preslie wouldn't want me to feel this way.

I feel like I am stuck in the anger stage of my grief. I am angry that Preslie is not here with us, and that we won't get the answers for a while. I am angry that we are constantly hit with one hurtful thing after another. I am angry that we are no longer happy. I am angry that I am no longer the person I used to be, and I am angry that Chris isn't the person he used to be. I am just angry! I am going to be starting a kickboxing class this month, which I hope will help get rid of some of my anger.

I have been reading a book called, "Overcoming Personal Loss" and I have found it to actually be more helpful then the books geared specifically towards my situation. The author Duane Hiatt makes a lot of suggestions to try in each chapter, and Chris and I have been trying to do them. A specific thing he suggested is to write out a list of things you are grateful for, and the blessings you have in your life. Then cross each one out, and imagine your life without them. After going through each one rewrite what you have crossed out, and have a better appreciation for them. Things could be worse, even though we don't see it. It was hard for me to think that things could be worse then they are, until I sat down and realized that I am fortunate that I still have many good things in my life. It's so easy to dwell on my sadness and anger, but I am hoping that over time It will balance out.

I ordered a book last week called "Sleeping Angel", I received it in the mail yesterday and read it in 30 minutes. It is a really short book, but the author's situation was almost identical to mine. She was almost 41 weeks pregnant, and her baby passed away. They never found out what was wrong with her son, but he was perfectly healthy. It was neat to read her story and relate to the many feelings that she had. She gave a lot of suggestions for the parents, and also grandparents, family and friends. It took me a while to find the book, all of the local bookstores didn't carry it. I am glad I finally found it.

I was able to meet with Courtney, a fellow Mother of baby angels. She is fantastic! It was so nice to sit down and just be able to talk about everything with her, and have her know what I am feeling and going through. I am so grateful that I was able to meet her, and get to know her in person. Courtney I just love you, and cannot wait to meet with you again next week. :) I really appreciate all the fellow mothers continued love, prayers and comments. It has really helped pull me through this difficult time. I was telling Chris the other day that we are in such a special and sacred group of people, we have become forever bonded through our angel babies.

Running through my mind constantly today was the line: "Life isn't meant to be easy". If I received all the answers to my prayers life would be fantastic! Rainbows, sunshine, lollipops, sprinkles, and HAPPINESS. I now know why that line went through my head today, the things I were hoping for would have made life too easy for Chris and I. All we can do is move forward, and hope that someday we will have our happily ever after.


Ashley said...

Oh Rylie! Words really can't express how much my heartaches for you and Chris!!! I haven't known what to say, I mean I didn't want to say the wrong things. But please know that I always keep you and Chris in my thoughts and prayers! I pray for Heavenly Father to bring you and Chris peace and comfort. I can't even imagine how much pain that you are feeling, but please know that I am here for you Rylie!! I know that you and Chris will have your happily ever after! I have faith in that!! Jason and I love you!

Deb and Stan said...

Wow, Riley, you NEVER cease to amaze me. I know it's sacred and personal, but I am so impressed that you can write about these things and be so willing to share them. When I read your posts, I just know that there is someone out there who needs to see it and it will change their life.

Stan and I love you and pray for you.

Brittanie said...

Another book that helped me is "Angel Children" by Mary V. Hill. She's LDS. Unfortunately I think the book is out of print, but if you can find a copy was really good to get an LDS perspective on it, kwim? I recently when through something like this this last summer. I was recently pregnant with my little Patrick, and very scared. My bishop (who had lost a son himself shortly after birth) took me aside and we had some very good talks about grief and my personal grief journey. At one point he said something that changed the way I looked at things (I have no idea if this applies to you, I just wanted to share it.) He said "You don't have to hold on to the pain. Hurting for her doesn't make her any less real or any less yours. You don't HAVE to hurt to love her." It's amazing how far I have come in the few months since then. It still hurts, don't get me wrong, but I have so much more peace than I did because I have been able to let go of a lot of the pain I was holding on to.

((hugs)) Good luck with your kickboxing!!

And, remember, in the words of Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Sunday Will Come."

Michelle said...

My dear Rylie...I cannot imagine what you are feeling going through this loss...I won't pretend to know. But I do know how it feels to wonder 'is it ever going to end'...'why one thing after another...when will the light at the end of the tunnel appear'...for SOOOO long before Preslie's birth Kurt and I both felt that way as we hit one wall after another, wondering if we'd ever get through it. Our company was suffering, we hardly had the money for milk, we said good-bye to 5 loved-one's last was literally one thing after another and there were days I was sick inside because of how fearful I was of the next day. I learned a very valuable lesson when Preslie was born and I felt I couldn't raise a disabled child...I handed everything over to Heavenly Father. I finally realized He loves US so much that only HE knows how to make us truly even though we were broke and now had a disabled child...we handed it all over to the Lord...we let go...and He took over. He gave peace, when I couldn't find any in myself...He gave love, when I felt lonely and He gave blessings when I didn't know what tomorrow would bring. Don't feel bad for the emotions you feel...own them, they are real, you are human, it's all real...allow them in, then pray Heavenly Father will sort them out with you. Lean on those who love you...even if you've never met them (us) fore Heavenly Father has provided people to bare you up when you are down and love you...

And remember Preslie was soooo valiant that she was needed in Heaven. I know that is easier said then done...but just run that through your mind and know she is with you, watching over you as you sleep at night and waiting to meet you again. How blessed we are for Eternal Families. You and your husband are meant to be are meant to smile and prepare yourselves for your Eternal happiness..Heavenly Father wants that for you, so turn it over to him. Know we are always here for you and love ya!

Ann said...

I'm so sorry Rylie. I just wanted you to know that you inspire me to be a better person. You are such a spiritually strong person and I really admire that about you. You probablly don't feel that way when things are so hard but I can just feel the spirit in your posts. You and Chris are amazing people and we want you to know we are here for anything you need!

Preston and Keri Robertson Fam said...

I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you and Chris are going through. But, having seen this happen to some other close friends of mine and another cousin...I know that it will get easier and you WILL be happy again. You will definitely have your "Happily ever after."
We love you guys!

McGinnis Family said...

You've been in my thoughts ever since chatting with you last night. My heart is broken thinking of the struggles, heartache, and frustration you are dealing with right now. I wish it would all go away and you could find some peace and happiness! Keep doing EVERYTHING in your power to overcome this and put the rest in the Lord's hands. I love you and am here for you!

J&E said...

I love you. *Hug*Hug*Hug*

Courtney and Jason said...

I know where you are at in your grief, we are there too. Like I said I am going to borrow my sister's punching bag and just go to town on it. I think the kickboxing class will be a great thing for you Rylie I really do.

I am glad that you have been reading these books too, sounds like they have some great pointers in them and some all around great wording to help you through.

It was such a joy meeting you. I came home and told Jason all about you and how wonderful you are. I told him that the 4 of us really should get together and he was down for it =]

Look forward to seeing you next week.


Amy said...

Oh Rylie I am sooo sorry! I know it is so hard! At first I thought we were doing pretty good and I was surprised but then it got HARDER! I miss our Alexis sooo badly and I know you miss Preslie. Please feel free to email me if you just need to vent or you can call me too. Sometimes I say to myself this simple phrase "I CAN do hard things" and it surprisingly helps me a lot. You will be in our prayers!

nikki wood said...

I've lost 2 babies, the last one was my son David in Jan to multiple birth defects, he fought for 4 days before he left us.

I am in the same stage as you. I am angry at life, angry at the world. I feel like everything is going wrong and nothing will ever be right again.

I hope it's just a stage. I am going to add you to my blog roll.

Anonymous said...

I am waiting for my rainbow also. I just found you through Courtney. I am so glad that the both of you have found one another and can make a connection, angel mommies understand.
I agree, that life wasnt meant to be easy, but it is really hard to accept that life could be this hard.
I am so happy that you have a wonderful husband and many other blessings in your life.
Your rainbow will come. Much love.

Jenny and Kelsey, together forever! said...

You're doing great Ry! You and Chris will keep moving forward! :)
We love you and think of you both often!

April said...

Oh Rylie, I too I think am in the anger phase, its been a little over 4 months for me as well. I felt I was doing good, have a lot of really good days and somewhere in there it hit me. Partially for me because my due date is Sunday. I hate that I should be having a baby right now, getting ready for him to come. You are helping not only me and other like us but I think so many other people out there. Thank you so much for your true feelings I think you'll notice it helps you too. Thank you and you are always in my prayers. I am so glad you got to meet Courtney. Take care, I'm here if you need anything. Thanks for the info on the books.

Tifani said...

Dear Rylie,
I feel deeply for you and your husband. Your daughter was beautiful and you are so brave to share her story and your feelings with so many people. I know the more I talk about it the better I feel. But I am sure that grief will be my companion for a long time to come. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
From one angel baby mom to another,
Tifani Johnson

Anonymous said...

I love you my dear son and daughter and Preslie . I so want you to feel happy once again . My love is always with you, Grandma Sue

Michelle said...

Checkin in on you to see how you you're you're doing?? I think of you often and worry about ya!
Saw this from Jeffrey R. Holland...
"...I testify that angels are still sent to help us, even as they were sent to help Adam and Eve, to help the prophets, and indeed to help the Savior of the world Himself. Matthew records in his gospel that after Satan had tempted Christ in the wilderness 'angels came and ministered unto him' (Matthew 4:11). Even the Son of God, a God Himself, had need for heavenly comfort during His sojourn in mortality. And so such ministrations will be to the righteous until the end of time."
When it gets too hard, stop to feel the angels round you...I guarantee they are there...I feel them almost every day! Much love my friend!