Friday, March 6, 2009
When Will We Get Our Rainbow?!?!???
This week started out really rough, and has continued along those same lines. I have found that I am starting to force the sad thoughts of Preslie, in a safe place way back in my brain. I have done that for the past 2 weeks. Chris and others have noticed that I have had a lot of really good days. However, it has come back with a vengeance. I believe I have cried more these past 4 days then I have in my entire life. It got so bad the other night that I was physically sick! Ugh! Just when I thought things were starting to move forward, I have taken about 10 steps back.
I have prayed that something would just go right for Chris and I, and it seems like we are constantly hit with one thing after another. When are we going to ever get a break? When is something going to go right for us? When will we feel happy again? So many questions, and no answers. I have been so frustrated with myself for feeling sad and feeling upset, because I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way. Preslie wouldn't want me to feel this way.
I feel like I am stuck in the anger stage of my grief. I am angry that Preslie is not here with us, and that we won't get the answers for a while. I am angry that we are constantly hit with one hurtful thing after another. I am angry that we are no longer happy. I am angry that I am no longer the person I used to be, and I am angry that Chris isn't the person he used to be. I am just angry! I am going to be starting a kickboxing class this month, which I hope will help get rid of some of my anger.
I have been reading a book called, "Overcoming Personal Loss" and I have found it to actually be more helpful then the books geared specifically towards my situation. The author Duane Hiatt makes a lot of suggestions to try in each chapter, and Chris and I have been trying to do them. A specific thing he suggested is to write out a list of things you are grateful for, and the blessings you have in your life. Then cross each one out, and imagine your life without them. After going through each one rewrite what you have crossed out, and have a better appreciation for them. Things could be worse, even though we don't see it. It was hard for me to think that things could be worse then they are, until I sat down and realized that I am fortunate that I still have many good things in my life. It's so easy to dwell on my sadness and anger, but I am hoping that over time It will balance out.
I ordered a book last week called "Sleeping Angel", I received it in the mail yesterday and read it in 30 minutes. It is a really short book, but the author's situation was almost identical to mine. She was almost 41 weeks pregnant, and her baby passed away. They never found out what was wrong with her son, but he was perfectly healthy. It was neat to read her story and relate to the many feelings that she had. She gave a lot of suggestions for the parents, and also grandparents, family and friends. It took me a while to find the book, all of the local bookstores didn't carry it. I am glad I finally found it.
I was able to meet with Courtney, a fellow Mother of baby angels. She is fantastic! It was so nice to sit down and just be able to talk about everything with her, and have her know what I am feeling and going through. I am so grateful that I was able to meet her, and get to know her in person. Courtney I just love you, and cannot wait to meet with you again next week. :) I really appreciate all the fellow mothers continued love, prayers and comments. It has really helped pull me through this difficult time. I was telling Chris the other day that we are in such a special and sacred group of people, we have become forever bonded through our angel babies.
Running through my mind constantly today was the line: "Life isn't meant to be easy". If I received all the answers to my prayers life would be fantastic! Rainbows, sunshine, lollipops, sprinkles, and HAPPINESS. I now know why that line went through my head today, the things I were hoping for would have made life too easy for Chris and I. All we can do is move forward, and hope that someday we will have our happily ever after.
Posted by Rylie at 12:08 AM