Sunday, September 27, 2009

Our Little Rainbow

Chris and I really felt like we needed to go and get a 3D/4D ultrasound this weekend. We drove to troy, and were able to see our precious Arista for an hour. She is just the cutest thing. While watching her she got the hiccups, gave the placenta kisses, and held onto her little toes. We couldn't help but cry while watching the videos, feeling so blessed to being able to see this tiny miracle alive. One of the few regrets we have is never doing this with Preslie. We are so grateful we were able to with Arista. Now when we talk and think about her, we know what her little face looks like. :)

Here is our favorite part of the DVD we were able to receive. She yawns and kisses the placenta a few times.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

11 Months

This time last year Chris' mom came for a few weeks, to help paint and set up Preslie's nursery. Chris and Sue had a great time painting the room "Princess Pink". Chris and I bought Winnie the Pooh wall stickers to stick, and his Mom gave us these monogram pictures of Winnie the Pooh adventures. It seemed like every night Chris and I were doing something to get Preslie's nursery all ready to go. We bought at least 3 different mobiles to try out on the crib, and I was washing everything P would wear in the special baby detergent. We wanted everything ready by the first of October. Just in case she decided to come early.

It seems crazy and foreign to me to think back to that time. To look at the pictures and see the pure joy we felt. I constantly say to Chris "We were so close! How did this happen?" I find myself still trying to come up with answers to how our little Preslie died, but I always come back to the fact that we will never know. I would like to imagine that she was just taken in her sleep, and that she laid with us for awhile before she went on to fulfill the mission laid out for her. The regrets I have about not waking Chris up in the middle of the night, or how I should have known because of the feelings I had the previous night, have slowly departed from me. I want someone to blame, even if it is myself. There is no one to blame, this is what was suppose to happen. I can finally say that the anger I felt, and sometimes feel has decreased dramatically. The breakdowns still continue, although they are few and far between.

Around this time every month I make myself remember that awful day. I think back to every thought and feeling I had. I think our brain naturally tries to push out traumatic experiences, so that we don't dwell on them. I rarely think about that day when Preslie died, but I also never want to forget it either. That was the day that Preslie grew her wings, and the day that forever changed our lives. We have not been the same since, or ever will be. We have changed for the better, but have had to endure the storms before we have reached this point.

The approaching "first birthday" has been constantly on my mind for the past 3 months. When I can't sleep at night I lay awake thinking of how I will handle the day that is suppose to be so happy. It's hard to imagine that Preslie has been gone for almost a year. A whole entire year! She has been gone longer then she was here. Have you noticed that you haven't forgotten her though, that although she was only here a short while that she still has touched many lives? I often wonder if part of her mission was to bring others to have more appreciation for what they have, to serve, have more compassion, strengthen faith, and become closer to our Lord and Savior. I know she has accomplished this much and so much more in our individual lives, and as a family.

We love our daughter Preslie, and are grateful to have such a special guardian angel to watch over our family. We know she is not forgotten, and that she loves her sister Arista very much.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Faith and Hope

Tuesday we started the beginning of our weekly non-stress tests. We go into the doctor's office for 30-45 minutes, where they will hook Arista's heartbeat up on the monitor, and a monitor on me as well. (Which shows if and when I have contractions) Every time Arista moves I have to push a little button, and on the paper it shows what her heart rate is when she moves. When she moves it is normal for her heart rate to increase. What they look for is good heart rates with the movement.

Tuesday Arista hardly moved at all, but the test was normal. Then Friday she was going to town! The nurse came in a few times to tell us that she could hear Arista moving next door. It took the nurse about 5 minutes to get the heartbeat to come in loud enough for the monitor to pick it up, that is how much she is moving. That test also came back normal.

Chris and I have mixed emotions about all of these tests, because we had one the day that Preslie died and it was a normal test. We are hoping that since they are doing them regularly and frequently that they will be able to tell sooner if there is a potential problem.

We are anxious and excited for Arista's arrival. I can't think about the end, because it scares me to death. I do not want to endure all the pain and heart ache again, but I know that the Lord has a plan for our little family. I feel optimistic that we will get to keep Arista, and that I will be able to bring her home. However, there is always that fear that resides in me. The fear that we have no control over what happens within these next few months.

I know that together Chris and I can withstand anything that comes are way, for I feel like we have been through one of life's greatest trials. I truly feel like Preslie has made me a better person, and that I have a whole new perspective on life and how quickly we are here on earth. Live in the moment, live right now.

Please keep Chris and I in your prayers these next couple of months. We could not ask for anything better from all of you. Your love and support has brought us to where we are today. We have felt your prayers, and know that they have strengthened our lives.

Utah, Idaho, Utah!... Wedding, Funeral, Baby Shower!

Quick Recap

A few weeks ago I had planned on going to Utah then Idaho then back to Utah. The day/night before I flew out was hectic. We were trying to get so many things done, which kept going wrong. Then we decided we really needed to go visit Preslie's tomb, since we had not been up there for a really long time. By the time we got up to St. Johns it was almost completely dark outside. We arrived at the cemetery and ran into the mausoleum, it was pitch black in there. We went and stood by her little grave, and I couldn't help but freak out at the thought that my baby's little body was in such a cold and dark place. After much convincing Chris got me to leave, I didn't want to leave her in such a dark place. The rest of the night I was a mess. I could not fathom flying out the next morning while I had such anxiety and sadness. Around 3am Chris found me in my rocking chair panicking, and not wanting to go anymore. Chris being the great husband that he was called right then and cancelled my ticket. The next day I was a mess. I couldn't believe that I was not going, and that I was letting my fear come over my faith. So Chris again called and got me a flight out the next morning. I repacked all my things and flew out. I didn't feel a bit of anxiety or regret, about my decision to go ahead with the trip.

While in Utah I helped my Mother-in-law Sue prepare for My Sister-in-law Marissa's wedding shower. She had a beautiful shower, and received many great gifts. I then helped her friend Kelsey get ready for the big Bachelorette Party. There were a lot of games, snacks, desserts, and presents. It was a lot of fun. Sue and I ran many errands, and bought many cute things together. We really had a great time all us girls hanging out. I think my favorite part was playing games with Chris' grandma, Aunt, Sue and Marissa.

After a weekend that flew by, I flew to Boise for a week! It was so nice to spend time with my family. My parents were able to get a night away, while my Aunties came and took care of my grandparents. I had not seen my aunt Pam in almost 5 years, so it was great to chat and spend time with her. My mom and I were able to go to the Boise Temple, and I couldn't help but feel joy that I was married in that same temple and that I was also sealed to my parents in that temple as well 19 years ago.

After a great week in Idaho, I flew back out to Utah. There I met Chris, and I was ecstatic to see him! Ever since Preslie's death I miss Chris more then ever when we are apart. In Utah we were able to attend Marissa's endowment session, and to witness Chris' mom get sealed to her deceased parents. That night we went to the rehearsal dinner, and had a great time being with family. The next day was the big wedding, and it was BEAUTIFUL!. The reception that night was also fabulous, with really great food.

The day after the wedding Chris set me up a prenatal massage, and it was wonderful. After my massage I attended a funeral of my Aunt's father. It was a beautiful ceremony, and the love expressed by family member's was very spirit felt. After the funeral my Mom and Mother-in-law threw me a baby shower. It was so fun! We made little babies out of chewed gum, chatted, and ate some yummy cake. My Mom made me a darling belly cake. Once I get picture I will post it! It was so dang cute. I was so lucky to be able to see many old friends, grandma's, aunts and cousins. Thank you all for your love and support.

While in Utah Chris and I were also able to meet our niece Claire. We weren't sure how we would react to the newest Martin addition, but we both fell in love with her instantly. We are so grateful for the spirit she brings to the family.

Chris and I had a great time, and are grateful to be back home to the beautiful fallish weather we are having. Once I get pictures of everything I will put them up. I feel like my post is naked without pictures. :p