Tuesday, September 22, 2009

11 Months



This time last year Chris' mom came for a few weeks, to help paint and set up Preslie's nursery. Chris and Sue had a great time painting the room "Princess Pink". Chris and I bought Winnie the Pooh wall stickers to stick, and his Mom gave us these monogram pictures of Winnie the Pooh adventures. It seemed like every night Chris and I were doing something to get Preslie's nursery all ready to go. We bought at least 3 different mobiles to try out on the crib, and I was washing everything P would wear in the special baby detergent. We wanted everything ready by the first of October. Just in case she decided to come early.

It seems crazy and foreign to me to think back to that time. To look at the pictures and see the pure joy we felt. I constantly say to Chris "We were so close! How did this happen?" I find myself still trying to come up with answers to how our little Preslie died, but I always come back to the fact that we will never know. I would like to imagine that she was just taken in her sleep, and that she laid with us for awhile before she went on to fulfill the mission laid out for her. The regrets I have about not waking Chris up in the middle of the night, or how I should have known because of the feelings I had the previous night, have slowly departed from me. I want someone to blame, even if it is myself. There is no one to blame, this is what was suppose to happen. I can finally say that the anger I felt, and sometimes feel has decreased dramatically. The breakdowns still continue, although they are few and far between.

Around this time every month I make myself remember that awful day. I think back to every thought and feeling I had. I think our brain naturally tries to push out traumatic experiences, so that we don't dwell on them. I rarely think about that day when Preslie died, but I also never want to forget it either. That was the day that Preslie grew her wings, and the day that forever changed our lives. We have not been the same since, or ever will be. We have changed for the better, but have had to endure the storms before we have reached this point.

The approaching "first birthday" has been constantly on my mind for the past 3 months. When I can't sleep at night I lay awake thinking of how I will handle the day that is suppose to be so happy. It's hard to imagine that Preslie has been gone for almost a year. A whole entire year! She has been gone longer then she was here. Have you noticed that you haven't forgotten her though, that although she was only here a short while that she still has touched many lives? I often wonder if part of her mission was to bring others to have more appreciation for what they have, to serve, have more compassion, strengthen faith, and become closer to our Lord and Savior. I know she has accomplished this much and so much more in our individual lives, and as a family.

We love our daughter Preslie, and are grateful to have such a special guardian angel to watch over our family. We know she is not forgotten, and that she loves her sister Arista very much.

10 comments:

Courtney said...

You are amazing Rylie. I always think of you and your darling Preslie. Our babies have brought us together and brought us comfort of someone else who we can confide in and know how we are feeling in all of this.

I have no doubt that she has touched so many peoples hearts. I am one of the many.

*hugs*

Aubreydoll said...

I can't believe it's almost been a year, that's just so crazy to me. I know your little Preslie has changed many lives, including mine, for the better. You and Chris are an amazing example and I'm so glad that we've had the chance to become such good friends with you. We love you all!

chadnsue said...

that was an awesome post Rylie and I wouldn't be in the place I am withouther watching over me as she has, I love you all my little family.......

Anonymous said...

I love you guys so much. I'm sorry for the pain that you're still enduring because of Preslie's death. I'm so grateful for the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made so that we can one day be resurrected and be with our loved ones again in a place where there is no pain or sorrow.

Hugs.

Lisa G-K

The Morgans said...

Rylie,
I am just sitting here and my mind has completely gone back to a time that seems so very long ago. I am having a hard time with the overwhelming emotions that are rushing through me. I can't believe that it has almost been a year. This time last year we were walking old town...I miss those days. My heart is with you as you go through the next few months, I admire your strength. Thank you for so many memories.

Brittanie said...

Sometimes I stare at the last picture I took while pregnant with Cora. It was a full month before she was born, and I dearly wish I had taken more, but I stare at it. I radiated such joy. I was still sicker than anything but I was so happy that she was coming. Like you, it's sometimes strange to think back to myself at that time. So oblivious. I'd love to go back to that innocent joy but the trial of being separated from her has turned me into a much better person, so I wouldn't want to go back to being who I was. The first birthday is the hardest. Are you planning anything special?

Bobby and M!kell said...

Rylie, Little Preslie has definately inspired me. I think of her often as well as you and Chris. I think she truly changed many lives for the better. ♥

Marni said...

I seriously think you never forget certain dates. In a way as time goes on it is good to have specific days to cry, reflect and remember. It is a womans natural instinct to know.

J&E said...

I know that my life is one of the many that she has touched.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you 2 know that Trent and Dani had their baby boy yesterday at 1:30 p.m. 7 lb 5 0z and 20 1/2" long...

Hope all is going well you two are the next to have Arista... Can't wait to hear

Love ya.. Aunt Michelle