Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Missing my Baby "P" :(

I have been missing Preslie so much, and I can all but wonder what she's doing. There are days where I wake up and still can't believe that she really isn't here with me. A few nights ago it was VERY hot outside. We don't have air conditioning, but we do have a box air conditioner that goes into our window. Chris kept asking me if I would help him put it in the window, and I kept saying "no". For some reason I did NOT want that thing in our window, and then it suddenly hit me as to why. The morning I woke up to Preslie not moving I remember turning that thing off. It's amazing what the mind blocks out during such tragic situations. I have no idea what we will do this summer, because I honestly do not think I will be able to sleep with that in the same room as me. I have also not been able to watch America's Next Top Model since Preslie has died, because that is what I watched while trying to "count her kicks". The kicks that never kicked. The movements that never moved. There are countless other things I cannot do, and hope with time will be able to slowly overcome.

There are times when I just want to hide and bide my time until we can all be a family all together again. My heart hurts. I want my baby "P" back!

Here is a poem that my friend sent to me last week. I LOVE it. The bond that I shared with Preslie is stronger than anything I have ever felt. I can only hope that I will be able to feel a glimpse of that with this new baby...

The Cord

We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!
~~~author unknown


Kelsey said...

O Ry! I love that little poem. I miss Preslie too, and I know that you will feel a similar special connection with ewok! :) Love you!

Anonymous said...

I did not have a child die but I did have something in my life where I too had things that I couldn't do for a while. It definitely takes time. Would you feel better with something different, like a floor fan instead?

Amy said...

I'm so sorry Rylie. I know its so hard. I wish there was something I could do to help you. If you still want me to do those pictures for you let me know! You have my email! I LOVE that poem. Its sooo perfect. Thank you so much for sharing.

Deb and Stan said...

You know what I believe? With all my heart I believe that the moment you hold this new baby, you'll REALLY know how much Preslie loves and misses you, too, because her baby sister or brother will have Prelie's kisses and hugs all over his/her body!

Aubreydoll said...

What a beautifel poem. It obviously doesn't make things any easier, but at least you did have a wonderful bond with Preslie and she knows it. She couldn't ask for two parents who would love her more and probably can't wait to be with you either.

Brittanie said...

I love that poem.

When I was pregnant with Erin I HATED taking showers. I couldn't figure it out until I realized: while Cora always started jumping around when I got in the water, Erin stopped everything.

The day we confirmed we lost Cora (before I started not-counting her "movments", when I realized something was wrong), she DIDN'T move in the shower.

It's alright to have problems doing those things that bring it back. I'm sorry honey. (hugs)

Courtney said...

OH sweet girl I wish I could take the hurt away from you. We are at 3 months since we lost the boys. It's so incredibly hard.

I received that poem the other day as well and it just fit perfectly!


Janee said...

I love that poem. You'll always miss P but at least you can take comfort in knowing you'll always have that special bond. She is so very blessed to have such loving parents and I'm sure longs to be with you too. *Hugs*

Michelle said...

That poem is beautiful and so true. You will ALWAYS be connected to her...forever...that is the beauty of it...sometimes the ONLY beauty...that you have her forever. She is close by! I pray that you will continue to find peace, that things will get easier and that you will feel her close by always! Love you...

Bob, Emily, and Ellie said...

What a sweet poem. I can't even imagine what you go through each day. Hang in there!

Kellie said...

I'm a friend of Julie Irish, she told me about you. We just lost our precious baby too. She stopped moving about 4 days before she was suppose to be born. I haven't really wanted to talk to any one about it, I don't know why, but I love to talk with you sometime. My email is, I'd love to hear from you.