Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Mother's Day and Turning 22

When I arrived home at 2am Sunday morning I walked into my house to find it completely transformed. There were balloons, candles lit, 2 dozen red roses, and a Barbie cake on the kitchen counter. I couldn't help but start the endless flow of tears for the day that I have been avoiding since Preslie had died. Chris found my a very special jewelery box, where he was able to put pictures into the letters. He gave me a few other really special things including a letter he felt inspired to write from Preslie. It was incredible. I felt like Preslie was right next to me the entire time I was reading it. Chris really eased my load and started out my intensely sad Mother's Day with some much needed peace. I am so lucky to have him as my husband. He has been there for me through the best and worst times. I just love him so much.

The following morning I was awoken to some yummy eggs, O.J., and french toast. Immediately after eating I went right back to sleep in hopes that I would not wake up until the following morning. As luck would have it, I couldn't sleep past 4:00 in the afternoon. I still felt exhausted from the trip as well as emotionally exhausted as well. I laid in bed for quite some time reflecting back on the past almost 7 months, and how it felt like I was moving further and further away from the once laying baby in my arms. Now here I was laying with empty arms and an empty heart. How can I be a Mother when I do not have any proof that I even had a baby? Why does so many other people get to celebrate such a great day with their children, and yet I have to celebrate it entirely alone?

After thinking of the questions with no answers, I began to think about how women who can not even have children feel on this day. Are they as bitter as I am? Do they avoid Mother's Day? I couldn't help but feel sorrow for them as well, who have never even experienced what it is like to carry a child. I then felt peace. Peace in knowing that God has a bigger plan for them that we don't even know about. That their desire to have children will be answered in tri-fold, and that they will probably have so many children someday that they will wonder how they deserved to be so lucky.

I looked up the definition of Mother and was surprised in what I found. I loved this definition of a Mother. "the qualities characteristic of a mother, as maternal affection: It is the mother in her showing itself." There are mother's all around us, women with a desire to have children, care for them, and love for them are mother's too. How grateful I am to be given the opportunity to "mother" Preslie for the short time that I did. How lucky I am that I am the Mother of a perfect angel, who never had to experience pain, suffering, sadness, heart ache, or loss. I would do anything to have my baby here in my arms, especially on Mother's Day. Great will be the reunion I will have with her someday in heaven. Everyday will be Mother's Day, and I will not take one second for granted.

My Mom and I haven't always been the greatest of friends. During high school I wanted nothing to do with my Mom, and I would purposefully do things just to make her upset. There were so many times when my Mom and I would just not even talk to each other. It wasn't until I moved to Washington D.C. that I started to become closer and closer to my Mom. I realized how much my Mom loved me, and did so many things for me that I took for granted. My mom and I started talking daily, sometimes even multiple times a day. I couldn't wait for the times that I got to go back to Idaho to visit her. When it was time for me to leave I didn't want to let her go. I never thought that I would get to that point with my Mom.

When Preslie passed away all I wanted was my Mom. When Chris would wake up to go to work I would go into Preslie's room and sleep right next to her. I wanted so badly to pack up my things and just go back to Idaho with her. Of course that wasn't an option and as time does it, my Mom flew back. Unknown to me and others something changed in my Mom. She left Michigan a stronger, and better person. Things that used to matter to her did not, and the bigger picture of God's plan played an even bigger role in her life. My Mom has always struggled with her weight and when she left she vowed that she was going to kick it into gear. My Mom looks incredible. She has lost so much weight, and is happier, healthier, and much more confident. She has gone through much heartache and grief from family and friends over her battle, but now she can hold her head high in her great achievement.

I never wanted to be like my Mom, but if I turned out half as great as my Mom I would be soo blessed. My Mom has become my best friend, and I love her so much. I know that Preslie is so proud of her, and awaits the day to give Grandma a huge hug. I love you Mom!


The following day after Mother's Day was my birthday. Chris made me that special Barbie cake for it. I had complained to him that the entire time we have been married I have NEVER had cake on my birthday. :( I told him I wanted German chocolate cake with pecan frosting, but I didn't want it in just a glass pyrex pan. I wanted it to look really nice, and that I was just going to have to make it for myself. I was in complete shock when I saw the beautiful cake he had made. He had been on the phone all day with my mom helping him out. He said that it didn't look good with just the pecan frosting so he shredded a ton of vanilla chocolate and sprinkled it all over. It was beautiful, and tasted soo yummy!

Chris again got my some great gifts, he is so cleaver! I decided to open my parents gift first which was for both of us, and any present after that was great but not as great. :p My parents bought us a brand new video camera! It is sooo nice and cute! Chris and I had been talking about looking for one for a while so that I can start to document this pregnancy with a video diary. I was estatic when I opened it! Thank you so much!!

Chris had a final the next day so we weren't able to celebrate my birthday together but, never fear my friends came to the rescue. Aubrey made me a delicious lunch, as well as an awesome birthday cookie. (It's a family joke of theirs) It was so yummy! Later that night I was able to go out and have a great birthday evening. I am so grateful for such great friends.

Chris and I were able to go out last night to celebrate my birthday at my favorite Olive Garden. We had so much fun being able to spend time together and not worry about school, finals, etc. School's finally out for the summer! We are looking forward to a great summer here in Michigan.

Being 22 is SOOO much better than being 21. Forever since Preslie has died I have kept saying to myself how I am just too young to be going through what I am. That I am only 21 years old and have already buried a child. Now being 22 I feel like I can handle it a bit more, without that 21 mind-set in my way.


Jason and Ashley said...

Rylie- I hope that you had a great birthday and mommy's day...because you are a great mommy! Even though your dear Preslie is in heaven, she is very fortunate to have a mommy who loves her as much as you do! I am so excited and happy for you to have the opportunity to be a mommy to your new little boy or girl! I must let you know that your faith and strength truly inspires me. I really look up to you Rylie. I continue to keep you and Chris and your families in my thoughts and prayers! Best wishes today and always! Much love- Ashley

DaViD + KaTie + aLeXiS said...

Happy Birthday, Rylie!

Courtney said...

I know little Preslie is just beaming down on the both of you and telling everyone in heaven how proud she is of her lovely parents =)


Anna said...

Happy Birthday Rylie! It sounds like you had a great day :)

Elwell Family said...

You have a pretty awesome husband! Glad you had a great birthday! Happy 22nd! We love you guys!

Anonymous said...

Rylie you are beautiful and beaming by the tree. Chris and Rylie I'm so proud you are my adult children. You make me so proud. I love you

Michelle said...

Oh Happy Happy Birthday Darling! I am so glad you came home to such wonderful suprises. You are blessed to have such a gem of a husband. Awesome cake...I LOVE IT! and you are a mom, not because you were pregnant, or not because at only 21 you said good-bye to a child, but because life is Eternal, Motherhood is Eternal and you are a mom...she is just doing her work beyond the veil...but you have the heart of a mom, the courage of a mom, the faith of a mom and the LOVE Of a celebrate that my dear, the eternal possibilites of your role as a mother! Love to you!!!

Aubreydoll said...

So many things to say! I loved what you said about everyday being Mother's Day when you're with Preslie again, what a beautiful picture that paints! And good for your mom, I can tell you're really proud of her! Chris, that cake is AMAZING, you're a great husband! And Rylie, you look gorgeous in that last picture (and I always love your poses)! Happy Birthday!!

Deb and Stan said...

You touch my heart and spirit more than you'll probably ever know! What a wonderful woman you are! Love you!

Janee said...

Wow Rylie, Chris is pretty amazing! Lucky you! I totally agree with the previous poster - Motherhood is eternal and you deserve to celebrate just as any other mamma! I'm glad to hear you had a great birthday as well! Love ya!

Kelsey said...

LOL you're so funny Ry! I'm glad that you had a fun Mother's Day and birthday. I love you!! :)