Tuesday, January 20, 2009
3 months ago today was the last day I felt Preslie move. I remember like it was yesterday. Chris and I decided to carve our pumpkins a little bit early, so we wouldn't have to worry about it when she arrived. I remember being so excited to carve pumpkins with Chris, since we had never done it before. I took on the big one for Chris and I, and he carved the baby one for Preslie. We thought that it looked like Jack Skeleton from "The Nightmare Before Christmas".
After carving pumpkins we went over to the Hogges for a while, and then came home. While Chris was studying I decided to go take a shower. As I was in there I had this feeling of deep intense emotion come over me. I had never felt that way before ever. I held my stomach and told Preslie that she could stay in me as long as she wanted, and that I loved her so much. I kept getting thoughts in my head like "What if I were to lose her?" "What if something bad happens?" I remember feeling prompted to have Chris join me in the shower, but I thought he'd say no. I just remember standing there for several minutes just feeling her. After showering I remember laying on the bed just sobbing, explaining to Chris how sad I was going to be when I didn't get to feel her move, or have her inside of me. I told him how much I was going to miss her, and how it would never be the same again. We went to bed that night watching "Return to Neverland."
I woke up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom, and I had this incredible side pain. I thought for a split second to wake Chris up, that maybe I was having an appendicitis. I quickly threw out that thought and fell back asleep.
I woke up at 11:00am, and I knew instantly that something was wrong with Preslie. I laid there for about 5 minutes just wanting for her to move. I kept poking her, and moving a lot and still nothing. I got up, called my mom and she suggested to eat some sugar and relax and just wait for her to move. I then called Chris at work, and then called the dr. The nurse told me that sometimes babies go into deep sleeps and to not worry but to eat a lot of sugar, lie down and count her kicks. I knew my baby and my baby moved... a lot. I went upstairs after eating 3 snickers bars, turned on America's Next Top Model, and laid there and waited. 5 minutes later Chris ran home just sobbing, and panicky. He kept telling me we needed to go to the Emergency room, and that we might be able to save her. I think at the time I knew something was not right, and that I would not be coming home with Preslie again. I slowly took a shower and got dressed, then sat on the couch and ate a bowl of Rice Krispies. Chris was laying on the floor pleading with me to stop and go the ER. I think I was in denial. We soon left after I finished eating.
We arrived at the hospital and went to the triage. There they hooked me up to the monitor and searched...and searched...and searched. I laid there knowing that she was gone, pleading that somehow the heart would just start beating. The nurse kept saying "Come on baby. Please come on baby." She also kept reassuring me that she was probably asleep and just in a weird position. She then called in a woman to do an ultrasound. Right when the ultrasound machine hit my stomach, there was Preslie's chest with a heart not beating.
I remember laying on the table, Chris kneeling at my side screaming and sobbing. I remember just laying there in a daze of no emotion saying to myself "This can't be happening. This isn't real." I don't remember what everyone was saying to me, I only remember their mouths moving. I was so determined to have a C-section, so I wouldn't have to wait knowing my baby was going to come out not alive. Of course they weren't keen on that option.
I remember calling my mom, and then Chris' dad Chad and then my own dad. I remember the sounds of their voices as I cried that Preslie was gone. I remember telling the doctor that we needed to start getting me set up to be induced ASAP, and that I could not carry around my dead child.
At 4:00pm they started some suppositories to thin my cervix, they did I think 3 of those. We had outstanding nurses, and Erika came to the hospital the minute I called her. I remember Chris and Chris Finley giving me a blessing, and then Ejay and Ann coming to see us, and then shortly Kara. Brian came later that night, and I remember all sitting around talking for hours and hours just waiting for Preslie to come out. I was having contractions, but I didn't really feel them. I think the prayers of everyone helped me out so much. I had an epidural around midnight, and shortly after that they gave me a sleeping pill and told me to rest. Not even 2 hours later my water broke, and 2 hours after that I was pushing. I remember asking for a mirror to watch, but I think I closed my eyes most of the time. Preslie was born into heaven at 4:55am. She was 22 inches long and weighed 7 pounds 14 ounces.
I remember a lot before the sleeping pill, but not so much after. I don't remember holding Preslie for the first time, which just KILLS me. I have pictures to prove I did, which is comforting. She was SO beautiful, with curly brown hair, long legs, cute little boobies, big feet, little cheeks, and she was just perfect. There was not a single imperfection at all. Although she was my baby, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. EVER!
Chris' parents arrived a few hours before Preslie was born, and was with us the whole time. This was such a comfort for Chris and me. My parents arrived the next morning after Preslie had been delivered. I remember having to make tough decisions on what was to be done as far as the funeral, etc. Right when my parents came, Preslie was given a name and a blessing. My Dad, Chad (Chris' dad) and Brian Hogge, were in the circle. Preslie's blessing was so powerful and strong it was un-believable. My mom’s friend Leeann made her dress, and added extra beading and sequins to it because it needed to be the most beautiful dress, and it was. An old friend of mine Andra made the headband that matched. She looked just like a princess, and all I could do is just hold her and wait for her to squeeze my finger. I held her for a long time, my finger in her hand just waiting and waiting and waiting.
After I had some time alone with her, Chris came in and we said goodbye. That was probably one of the hardest things, even harder than giving birth to her. Knowing that in a few days I was going to be leaving without her. I decided to stay one more night, and then go home the next day.
Going through the hospital in the wheelchair holding my coat, was another one of the hardest moments of my life. I remember in a baby story when they would wheel the moms out to the car holding their babies, and I would just cry. And now here I was crying because I did not get to leave with my baby. It was the longest ride through the hospital, and I will NEVER forget it. Every time I pass the hospital, I remember those exact feelings.
We later found out that week that there was a hemorrhage in the umbilical cord. There was nothing wrong with Preslie; it was just a fluke thing. We know that she was here just to get a little body, but the pain is still so real. It doesn't hurt less knowing that she fulfilled her purpose. I miss her more and more every passing day and knowing that I am the mother of an angel is what helps get me through.
Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story, and I hope that Preslie has touched your lives as she has mine.
Posted by Rylie at 10:28 PM