Tuesday, January 20, 2009

My Story




3 months ago today was the last day I felt Preslie move. I remember like it was yesterday. Chris and I decided to carve our pumpkins a little bit early, so we wouldn't have to worry about it when she arrived. I remember being so excited to carve pumpkins with Chris, since we had never done it before. I took on the big one for Chris and I, and he carved the baby one for Preslie. We thought that it looked like Jack Skeleton from "The Nightmare Before Christmas".

After carving pumpkins we went over to the Hogges for a while, and then came home. While Chris was studying I decided to go take a shower. As I was in there I had this feeling of deep intense emotion come over me. I had never felt that way before ever. I held my stomach and told Preslie that she could stay in me as long as she wanted, and that I loved her so much. I kept getting thoughts in my head like "What if I were to lose her?" "What if something bad happens?" I remember feeling prompted to have Chris join me in the shower, but I thought he'd say no. I just remember standing there for several minutes just feeling her. After showering I remember laying on the bed just sobbing, explaining to Chris how sad I was going to be when I didn't get to feel her move, or have her inside of me. I told him how much I was going to miss her, and how it would never be the same again. We went to bed that night watching "Return to Neverland."

I woke up in the middle of the night to go the bathroom, and I had this incredible side pain. I thought for a split second to wake Chris up, that maybe I was having an appendicitis. I quickly threw out that thought and fell back asleep.

I woke up at 11:00am, and I knew instantly that something was wrong with Preslie. I laid there for about 5 minutes just wanting for her to move. I kept poking her, and moving a lot and still nothing. I got up, called my mom and she suggested to eat some sugar and relax and just wait for her to move. I then called Chris at work, and then called the dr. The nurse told me that sometimes babies go into deep sleeps and to not worry but to eat a lot of sugar, lie down and count her kicks. I knew my baby and my baby moved... a lot. I went upstairs after eating 3 snickers bars, turned on America's Next Top Model, and laid there and waited. 5 minutes later Chris ran home just sobbing, and panicky. He kept telling me we needed to go to the Emergency room, and that we might be able to save her. I think at the time I knew something was not right, and that I would not be coming home with Preslie again. I slowly took a shower and got dressed, then sat on the couch and ate a bowl of Rice Krispies. Chris was laying on the floor pleading with me to stop and go the ER. I think I was in denial. We soon left after I finished eating.

We arrived at the hospital and went to the triage. There they hooked me up to the monitor and searched...and searched...and searched. I laid there knowing that she was gone, pleading that somehow the heart would just start beating. The nurse kept saying "Come on baby. Please come on baby." She also kept reassuring me that she was probably asleep and just in a weird position. She then called in a woman to do an ultrasound. Right when the ultrasound machine hit my stomach, there was Preslie's chest with a heart not beating.

I remember laying on the table, Chris kneeling at my side screaming and sobbing. I remember just laying there in a daze of no emotion saying to myself "This can't be happening. This isn't real." I don't remember what everyone was saying to me, I only remember their mouths moving. I was so determined to have a C-section, so I wouldn't have to wait knowing my baby was going to come out not alive. Of course they weren't keen on that option.

I remember calling my mom, and then Chris' dad Chad and then my own dad. I remember the sounds of their voices as I cried that Preslie was gone. I remember telling the doctor that we needed to start getting me set up to be induced ASAP, and that I could not carry around my dead child.

At 4:00pm they started some suppositories to thin my cervix, they did I think 3 of those. We had outstanding nurses, and Erika came to the hospital the minute I called her. I remember Chris and Chris Finley giving me a blessing, and then Ejay and Ann coming to see us, and then shortly Kara. Brian came later that night, and I remember all sitting around talking for hours and hours just waiting for Preslie to come out. I was having contractions, but I didn't really feel them. I think the prayers of everyone helped me out so much. I had an epidural around midnight, and shortly after that they gave me a sleeping pill and told me to rest. Not even 2 hours later my water broke, and 2 hours after that I was pushing. I remember asking for a mirror to watch, but I think I closed my eyes most of the time. Preslie was born into heaven at 4:55am. She was 22 inches long and weighed 7 pounds 14 ounces.

I remember a lot before the sleeping pill, but not so much after. I don't remember holding Preslie for the first time, which just KILLS me. I have pictures to prove I did, which is comforting. She was SO beautiful, with curly brown hair, long legs, cute little boobies, big feet, little cheeks, and she was just perfect. There was not a single imperfection at all. Although she was my baby, she was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen. EVER!

Chris' parents arrived a few hours before Preslie was born, and was with us the whole time. This was such a comfort for Chris and me. My parents arrived the next morning after Preslie had been delivered. I remember having to make tough decisions on what was to be done as far as the funeral, etc. Right when my parents came, Preslie was given a name and a blessing. My Dad, Chad (Chris' dad) and Brian Hogge, were in the circle. Preslie's blessing was so powerful and strong it was un-believable. My mom’s friend Leeann made her dress, and added extra beading and sequins to it because it needed to be the most beautiful dress, and it was. An old friend of mine Andra made the headband that matched. She looked just like a princess, and all I could do is just hold her and wait for her to squeeze my finger. I held her for a long time, my finger in her hand just waiting and waiting and waiting.

After I had some time alone with her, Chris came in and we said goodbye. That was probably one of the hardest things, even harder than giving birth to her. Knowing that in a few days I was going to be leaving without her. I decided to stay one more night, and then go home the next day.

Going through the hospital in the wheelchair holding my coat, was another one of the hardest moments of my life. I remember in a baby story when they would wheel the moms out to the car holding their babies, and I would just cry. And now here I was crying because I did not get to leave with my baby. It was the longest ride through the hospital, and I will NEVER forget it. Every time I pass the hospital, I remember those exact feelings.

We later found out that week that there was a hemorrhage in the umbilical cord. There was nothing wrong with Preslie; it was just a fluke thing. We know that she was here just to get a little body, but the pain is still so real. It doesn't hurt less knowing that she fulfilled her purpose. I miss her more and more every passing day and knowing that I am the mother of an angel is what helps get me through.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my story, and I hope that Preslie has touched your lives as she has mine.

24 comments:

Preston and Keri Robertson Fam said...

I don't think you will EVER know just how many lives Preslie has touched.

Thank you for telling your story and for all of your amazing posts.
You are such a great example to so many people.
Like your song says...keep holding on! :)

Chris and Rylie said...

My Dearest Princess-

You are a warrior poet. As you read that to me I couldnt help to just ball my eyes out. I love you with all my heart and promise you things will get better. You continue to amaze me with your strength and love for others.
I love you,
Chris

Alyson said...

Oh Rylie, that was a beautiful story! Your strength and courage are amazing. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been going through! I am sure that Preslie is so proud that you are her mom!

Julia and Jeff said...

Rylie,

That was beautiful! Preslie is so lucky to have you as her mom. You're strong and such a great example to me. Thank you for sharing all this about Preslie and helping my testimony grow. You're incredible and I am glad that I know you and have you as a friend. Please don't ever hesitate if you need anything. You're incredible.

-Julia

Jennalee :) said...

Thank you so much Rylie for sharing your story with us. You have strength beyond my comprehension. We love you guys and our hearts and prayers continue to go out to you.

Brandon and Mandy said...

Thanks for sharing that. It helps us all remember what's really important. We love ya!

Janee said...

As I sit here reading this, I can hardly breathe. You and Chris have endured so much, I can't even comprehend the pain you've suffered. Thank you for sharing your story, you are so brave to do so. I know for a fact Preslie has touched so many lives. What a special spirit. You guys are amazing and we love you so much. We continue to pray for your healing and happiness everyday.

McGinnis Family said...

Rylie, I am so glad that you are able to share your story. I can tell you are getting stronger and stronger each day! Your story has deeply touched my heart. Tears are a good thing and can bring out so much, so thank you for bringing tears to my eyes. I am so sorry for the pain you have gone through and the pain you must still must be feeling. Just know that Preslie loves you and Chris SO VERY MUCH and is SO GRATEFUL to the most amazing, wonderful parents that she was given to provide her with a perfect, beautiful body! You helped a perfect angel fulfill her purpose on earth! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!

Sami and Mark said...

Thank you Rylie for sharing your story. You are amazing and have truly touched my heart with your strength.

Bobby and M!kell said...

Rylie, I sat here this morning and just cried as I read your story. Preslie is so lucky to have you as her mom and Chris as her dad, God must have so much faith in you. I admire you both for how strong you have been through this. We continue to keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Bobby, M!kell and family

Aubreydoll said...

Thank you for sharing your story with us, it was so beautiful to get a glimpse of Preslie through your eyes. Even though you don't have her with you now you're an amazing mother and one of the most wonderful people I've ever known. Thank you for letting Preslie be a part of all of our lives. We love you both so much and are always here for you!

Danny and Lauren's Blog said...

It is true - Preslie has touched more lives than you might ever know. I am in awe at how her little spirit has created such a growth in me. Thank you Rylie for your strength and for your endless beauty - both inside and out. Xoxo, L

The Wilson Crew said...

You are one amazing woman! Preslie will live on in all who read your beautiful blog. Stay strong. You have a beautiful spirit. Thank you for sharing even though it is hard. We love you.

Janey said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story Rylie. You're amazing and so strong, and I still pray for you guys every night.

Loves

Deb and Stan said...

All I can say, dear, sweet little Rylie, is thank you so much for having the strength to share your story. As I've read and re-read your blog, I can't help but think that God knew exactly what He was doing when He gave you this assignment. You are such an example of strength, faith, and hope!

We love you!

Heather and Barry said...

Chris and Rylie,

Thank you for sharing your story. It brings tears to my eyes to hear your heart ache and strength through it all.

Thank you for helping me realize even more how precious life is.

You two seem so perfect together and I am so glad Chris found an amazing woman like you!

I wish only the best for you both and know that you are forever blessed to have an angel with you forever!

With lots of love,
Heather

Anonymous said...

Rylie...you dont know me but I have read your story and can I just say that I think you are SOO AMAZING!! What a hard thing to go through! I honestly wish I knew you personally because you are such an example to me of working through hard times and accepting what is! What a great quality to have in times like this!! Little Preslie is absolutely beautiful...She really is! It is nice to know there's light at the end of the tunnel and that you WILL see your little Preslie again! I wish I could be there to see that reunion...what an amazing day that WILL be!! May the Lord be with you and your husband until that day!!

Stephanie said...

Oh my gosh, Rylie! Again, we don't know each other but I've been checking your blog since Des told me your story.

I'm not a mother (I can only hope to be someday) and have absolutely no idea the grief and experience you are going through but thank you for sharing your story. I can't help but think it must help to write it out, it does for me.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are feeling but know that you have an amazing spirit and are bound to touch many lives that you may never know about. Thank you.

DaViD + KaTie + aLeXiS said...

Rylie- you continue to be in my thoughts & prayers. Thank you so much for sharing that story- the perspective it gives me is something I will carry with me forever.

Anonymous said...

Oh Rylie! You continue to amaze us with your unbelievable strength. You, Chris and Preslie remind us what is most important in life. Because of you and your story, we hug Larysa that much tighter and kiss her that much more everday. Our hearts ache for you, yet sing for your strength and love.

Love,

Tania and Mark

Jenny and Kelsey said...

Ry,
Baby Preslie truly has touched so many lives. Thanks for sharing this. It's interesting to see things from your perspective, I know how devastating it was for all of us here at home. We love you and still think of you often! :)

Dan and Sheila said...

Rylie, thank you so much for sharing your story.
As I read your story, I was so moved by how similar our experience were. It brought back all the fillings that I had that fateful day. And I just cried. I can't begin to tell you how sorry we are for your family.
I understand leaving the hospital with out your precious baby.
When we left the hospital the nurse asked if we had forgotten anything, and my husband said "Only the most important thing we came in with" of course our beautiful baby Sharyn.
I can't even tell you what an inspiration you are to me, and your lovely baby Preslie. When I read your blog, I fill that there is hope, and I can carry on. I hope our girls are playing in haven together, just waiting for us to reunite with them again.
I pray for you and your family, that you will find comfort and fill the love our Heavenly Father has for you. Thank you for your strength. Love, A fellow mother of a little Angle, Sheila

daniell miner said...

i love you both soo much, thankyou for being there and loving me for me...no matter what. i am soo thankful for your friendship and love....you have no idea what a blessing you both have been in my life...thankyou for having the courage to share your sweet story of preslie with me. i love u i love u i love u....

Kody T. said...

Rylie, I just wanted to let you know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers. As I sat here reading your blog my eyes just filled with tears. I have never had the opportunity yet to become a mother. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it has been for you and Chris. Rylie, I know that your beautiful little angel Preslie, is in heaven smiling down on you. And that heavenly father knows what you are going through. He sees you cry and feels the pain and the suffering that you have gone through. I know that he chose you and Chris to be her earthly parents. As well as Preslie also!! You are so strong!! What an amazing person you are for having the strength to share all of your experiences with all of us. You have made me a stronger person!! I may not be married or have children yet, but I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it would be to have to go through what you have had to go through! I pray for you and Chris daily. Please know that you have touched so many people's lives by sharing your experiences with everyone about your angel Preslie. She truly was an angel. To perfect for this world. I know that you and Chris will be able to see her again in heaven and she is looking forward to that day just as much as you and Chris are.
Hang in their Rylie!!