The Littlest Christmas Tree

This year we decided that it would be too hard to put up our Christmas tree, or any decorations. We had hopes and plans of how we envisioned Christmas with Preslie, and we figured that the Christmas decorations and tree would be a constant reminder of what we don't have. After the difficulty of Thanksgiving we were trying to avoid Christmas at all costs. It wasn't until 3am this morning we decided that Preslie wouldn't want us to sit in our misery, so we put up a little tree. Chris bought it for the future kids last Christmas. This year it is Preslie's tree, and we decorated it with all the Disney Princesses, Ratatouille, The Incredibles, Star Wars, and other kid ornaments we have. Although it was really hard to put it up, we felt a lot of peace.

Every year during Christmastime we chose something we are going to give to Jesus. I kept thinking about it this year, and kept thinking "I already gave something this year." We decided that we are going to follow our tradition, and find something we can do this December to bring us closer to the Savior. We hung an empty little stocking above the Christmas tree, where we will put what we are going to give the Savior.

We hope that we will find more comfort and peace this Christmastime, and that things will start to look better for us.

Grateful

This Thanksgiving has been expectantly rough on Chris and I. Fortunately Chris' parents were able to spend the week with us. They showered us with early Christmas presents which included: a WII, RockBand and a new HD Vizio 42" LCD TV. We spent many many days and nights trying to master the guitar and drums on that RockBand. I think we have played almost all of the 63 songs. It was great to have a distraction during this time. Thanks Chad and Sue.

We had a great dinner over at the Koesters, thank you so much for letting us join you. It was fun to get together as friends and family to share such great food. :)

It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without saying what we are grateful for. Here are just a few things that we are truly grateful for this difficult year.

1. Family. We are so grateful that through this rough time our families have been able to join together. We have had such a great love and support group, and we couldn't thank you all enough. We have loved all of the poems, cards, prayers, gifts, and just love. We are truly grateful that our families all got to come and be a part of Preslies funeral, and we know that she loves each and every one of you. Even though she never got the chance to meet you on earth, we know we were all together in heaven.

2. Friends. Our friends have been our second family out here. We know that there was a reason we didn't get transferred to Utah this past summer. You guys have helped us out in more ways then you'll ever know. Thank you for talking to us and listening to our feelings, it's nice to know we can count and rely on you.

3. Christopher. I am so grateful to you Chris for being here for me. I honestly don't know how I would get through each day without you. You have always been there for me even when I didn't deserve it sometimes. You loved Preslie since the day you found out about her, and I know you will continue to love her forever. I am grateful that you have continued to go to school and provide for me. I know it hasn't been easy but it will all be worth it one day. You are my best friend and as sexy as the first day I met you. I love you Pher.

4. Rylie. You have made me a better man from the moment I met you. You are the most loving, caring, and wonderful person I know. You are such a great wife and Mom and I am grateful for all your hugs, smiles, and little things you do to make me happy. I dont know what I would do without you, you are my best friend and every second I am with you is priceless. I love you with my whole heart and know that we will get through this. You have my heart and my love.

5. Preslie. For 9 months we had never been happier, and we are so grateful we were able to experience the joy of creating a baby. Preslie has not only brought us closer but has brought our family and extended family closer together. We are grateful that one day we will be able to see her again someday, and get to know who she is. She is amazing. Although we mourn her loss here on earth, we know deep down that she will always be with us.

We hope that you all have been able to find some things you are grateful for this Thanksgiving. We love you all.

1 Month Mark

Yesterday was the 1 month mark of Preslie being delivered. We decided it would be a good day to go up to the mausoleum to see her little grave. It was such a beautiful sunny day, and as we drove up I couldn't help but remember sitting next to her little casket in the hearse just a month earlier. I remember looking out the windows thinking how it was a blessing to have the sun shinning on such a difficult day for me.

Although she is in such a beautiful place, all I could do is cry for my baby to come home with me. I felt like I just couldn't leave her in there. It is just too cold, and she needs to be with me. It was difficult to leave. Almost all of the flowers we had left from the funeral were still alive when we went in there. It was nice to see that she is resting with such beautiful flowers.

When I first told Chris I was pregnant I got a bunch of his Star Wars men and toys we had all together and wrote this sign that said "Hello Daddy". Well today Chris really wanted to put some little Star Wars men in front of her tomb. Well, later that night we were looking through old pictures, and they were the same little guys I used when I first told Chris I was pregnant. We thought that was pretty nuts.

I am having the hardest time getting into the Christmas mood, and I have a very difficult time hearing of others plans they have for their families this year. Chris and I had so many plans, and ideas and things we were looking forward to with Preslie. I have seen more newborn babies and pregnant women lately then I ever remember, and it's almost like it's a slap in the face. How can I handle this? I am just having the hardest time, and I just wish I could have answers. I can't wait for the day where I can look back and see what I have learned from this.

Once Upon A Dream

While getting ready for Preslie's arrival we went through about 6 mobiles. We bought a crib that has really thick sides, and every mobile that we thought would work...didn't. We finally found one that would do. It is pink and girlie and reflects on the ceiling a baby sleeping in the clouds, with a moon and stars. It plays the typical babyish songs, and for months every night Chris and I would go in there. We would turn on the mobile and envision what it would be like when Preslie came. We would only play it for a few songs, then turn it off and go to sleep.

A few weeks ago while laying on the floor in her room listening to the mobile, I heard one of the final songs on it. Chris and I are huge Disney fans as a bunch of you know, and the song "Once Upon A Dream" is on there. I found myself thinking of the lyrics as it played and realized that I would never think of the lyrics the same again.

"I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a-gleam
Yet I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you do,
You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

But if I know you, I know what you do,
You love me at once,

The way you did once upon a dream"

I often go into Preslie's room and listen to this song, and think how great it will be when I see my baby girl again.

Before delivering Preslie the nurses gave me a few sleeping aids, because they thought it was going to be awhile before I had to push. A few short hours later It was time, and unfortunately I do not remember a lot of what happened after Preslie came out. I feel like it was all a dream, and I am just going to wake up and everything is going to be okay. I know that one day my dream will come true, and Preslie and I will be reunited. I loved her at once and will continue to love her forever.

"Why Us?"

I decided today to be brave and stay for the entire 3 blocks of church. Today was the Primary program and we were so proud to see our former class sing and present so well. There is nothing like a Primary Program to cheer up the heart. One of my favorite songs that I remember learning with our old Primary class was:"Children Holding Hands Around The World". Unfortunately they didn't sing that one, but I have thought of it often these past 3 weeks. Sunday school went pretty well since I had Chris next to me, but Relief Society was rough.

I figured it would be really hard to go back after everything that has happened. I knew that it wouldn't get any easier to avoid it week after week, but it was better to just jump in. I remember when reading the second book of the Twilight series after Edward had left Bella, and she described how she would physically hold herself so that she would not fall apart. I know understood what she meant. I had to hold myself during Relief Society and tell myself "just be strong, don't brake down".

I sat there in the back not being able to look at the new babies that had just been born this past month asking the bazillion dollar question "WHY?" Why is the only thing I have to show for having my baby is a necklace around my neck, and not a baby on my lap? Why were we the chosen couple to have this trial? Why can't I have my baby here with me now and in heaven? Why do I have to sit and be reminded of something I don't have?

I can't wait to ask the Lord all of my questions someday, and to one day understand his entire plan. Although I know I will see Preslie again and be able to hold her, it does not make it any easier.

My mom mentioned that she had read somewhere of a woman who was going through a similar situation who kept asking the "why" questions. She said she finally realized that she will never have an answer here on earth, so she began to ask herself "What can I learn from this?" When my mom told me this I thought I can't get past the "why" questions yet to get to that point. After thinking about it for the majority of the evening I began to question why I kept thinking of the un-answered question. I look forward to the time where I can reflect back on this time and see what I have learned from this, and what has made me stronger. I know that with time it will get easier and easier (hopefully) to attend social functions as well as church events.

I just want to let some of the sisters in the ward know that we do NOT blame Dr. Herta for what happened with our baby girl. I know there are a bunch of women in the ward who go to her who are currently pregnant, and are really scared. We know that Preslie was not meant to be with us at this time, and although it was hard to swallow in the beginning we hold no hard feelings against the Dr. We saw the pain on our doctors face when she came to the hospital and how hard it was for her to talk with us after Preslie was born. We know that even if we were induced earlier or before our due date, we would still not have our baby girl today. She was not meant to be here. I know that this may not ease the minds of some ladies, but please don't worry about what happened to us because of the decision the Dr. had made. We not only had a loss but Dr. Herta did as well. We will continue to see Dr. Herta, and God willing she will deliver our next baby.

Come What May

This past month I have seen my life at what felt like the happiest time, to now what is the saddest. I feel at times like I am going crazy, but grief has a way of making me feel that way. I sometimes find myself reviewing the past few weeks in disbelief and wonder how this could have happened. It's sometimes hard to look at the eternal perspective when I want my baby right here and right now. I feel really lucky to know and have faith that one day I will see Preslie, I will hear her cry and be able to see her smile, and to hold her close to me.

I find myself having a lot of bad days and an occasional good moment during those bad days. I am just so grateful to have such an understanding and supportive husband. I really don't know how he is able to lay by me for hours, and to give me the comfort I need. He has been so strong through this and constantly reminds me of how lucky I am to have given birth to a perfect baby. He was so good to me and Preslie during my entire pregnancy, and I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I love him so much.

A few days ago my Mom called me and told me about this talk from conference given by Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin. She mentioned how it seemed like the talk was given almost like it was directed towards us. The name of the talk is "Come What May, and Love it. Luckily Chris and I still had General Conference recorded so we were able to hear the talk given. There are so many great quotes but one that stuck out to me is: "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."

When Chris and I were married our song was and still is "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge. At Preslie's service Chris shared a part of it, and I find myself thinking of it often.

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you

And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Oh come what may, come what may
I will love you

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

We never know what tomorrow will bring, or how we'll feel but one thing that we know for us is love concurs all. Our hearts have never loved anything or anyone like we have loved Preslie. Although we are crying tears of sadness right now, I know that one day all the tears will be worth it.

Till We Meet Again

This past Saturday we had a beautiful service in celebration of baby Preslie. We were so fortunate that our parents and all of our siblings were able to be there with us, as well as Grandma Janice, Grandma Penny, Aunt Gaylynne, and Uncle Randy. It was such a beautiful day, and although it was really hard we felt a lot of peace. After the service we released 50 pink balloons, and they danced so fast towards the sun that you couldn't even see them. We are so grateful for the love Preslie has given us and how she has touched us all.

We want to thank everyone for showing their support at the open house. We really feel we were meant to stay in Lansing for a reason. I don't know how we would get through this without you. Your prayers and love has helped us out more than you'll ever know.