Several months ago someone close to us told me that I have no emotions. That I am a straight line. I don't get mad when my kids do bad things, and I don't get overly happy, at say Disney World. They said this wasn't normal and that I should get my medication checked. (I had been on an antidepressant ever since Preslie died). This REALLY bothered me. In fact, I began to question if there was something really wrong with me. I was hurt that someone felt that they needed to tell me all the faults that they saw in me.
Fast forward to a few months ago...After I had my 2 hour SVT attack and had my heart restarted, my anxiety was terrible. The worst I have had ever. I never slept, I was scared to go anywhere or do anything. I looked up all the side effects on my medication, and I saw that anxiety was one of them. I decided to go off of it. I was nervous since I had been on something for almost 7 years. Much to my surprise, I didn't go crazy. My emotions stayed exactly the same, and I have had minimal anxiety.
I reflected back on the conversation I had several months ago, about how I have no emotion. I do have emotions, lots of them. I just don't overract to things that aren't important. If something gets broken, we fix it. If a drink spills, we clean it up. If my kids have a tantrum, we try our best to handle it. As far as happiness goes. I will never be carefree like I was 7 years ago. I will tread through life cautiously. Until you have experienced the loss of a child, you could never comprehend the different emotions that I go through. I have a lot of happy moments, I'm just not an extremist.
The movie "Inside Out" had my really think about emotions, and what emotions drive our consoles. I think "Fear" drives me a lot of the time. Last weekend my heart started acting up. I went to the Cardiologist and we decided it was time to have me go on a Beta Blocker. This medication blocks adrenaline from entering the heart. It slows your heart down and lowers your blood pressure. This also slows the baby's growth rate and heart too. I felt incredibly guilty. The "What ifs" started to enter my brain... "What if the baby dies? It would be my fault." "What if there are complications because I took this medication?" The questions went on and on.
A friend and OBGYN told me that I am thinking about this in all the wrong way. By helping myself, I am helping the baby. It's amazing what rethinking can do for you. My fear filled brain, began to relax and I trusted in my doctors and what they felt was best for me and for our baby.
I've noticed my heart doing better since I have been on the medication. (It's been a week) I do however tire out much more quickly, and I have to be careful to keep hydrated and watch if my BP drops too low. Baby boy is still moving like crazy, and loves to try to keep my up all night by moving around. I start non-stress tests next week to monitor baby, as well as an ultrasound. I've also had an echo cardiogram to see what is going on in my ticker. I'll get those results next week as well.
I am confident that whatever lemon gets thrown at me, I can handle it. There have been a lot of lemons lately. While I have times of woe, I know that God hasn't left me to go through these trials on my own. My faith has become stronger since my restart in August, and I know that someday i'll look back on all this and have learned something from it.
What emotion drives your console?