Monday, November 17, 2008

"Why Us?"

I decided today to be brave and stay for the entire 3 blocks of church. Today was the Primary program and we were so proud to see our former class sing and present so well. There is nothing like a Primary Program to cheer up the heart. One of my favorite songs that I remember learning with our old Primary class was:"Children Holding Hands Around The World". Unfortunately they didn't sing that one, but I have thought of it often these past 3 weeks. Sunday school went pretty well since I had Chris next to me, but Relief Society was rough.

I figured it would be really hard to go back after everything that has happened. I knew that it wouldn't get any easier to avoid it week after week, but it was better to just jump in. I remember when reading the second book of the Twilight series after Edward had left Bella, and she described how she would physically hold herself so that she would not fall apart. I know understood what she meant. I had to hold myself during Relief Society and tell myself "just be strong, don't brake down".

I sat there in the back not being able to look at the new babies that had just been born this past month asking the bazillion dollar question "WHY?" Why is the only thing I have to show for having my baby is a necklace around my neck, and not a baby on my lap? Why were we the chosen couple to have this trial? Why can't I have my baby here with me now and in heaven? Why do I have to sit and be reminded of something I don't have?

I can't wait to ask the Lord all of my questions someday, and to one day understand his entire plan. Although I know I will see Preslie again and be able to hold her, it does not make it any easier.

My mom mentioned that she had read somewhere of a woman who was going through a similar situation who kept asking the "why" questions. She said she finally realized that she will never have an answer here on earth, so she began to ask herself "What can I learn from this?" When my mom told me this I thought I can't get past the "why" questions yet to get to that point. After thinking about it for the majority of the evening I began to question why I kept thinking of the un-answered question. I look forward to the time where I can reflect back on this time and see what I have learned from this, and what has made me stronger. I know that with time it will get easier and easier (hopefully) to attend social functions as well as church events.

I just want to let some of the sisters in the ward know that we do NOT blame Dr. Herta for what happened with our baby girl. I know there are a bunch of women in the ward who go to her who are currently pregnant, and are really scared. We know that Preslie was not meant to be with us at this time, and although it was hard to swallow in the beginning we hold no hard feelings against the Dr. We saw the pain on our doctors face when she came to the hospital and how hard it was for her to talk with us after Preslie was born. We know that even if we were induced earlier or before our due date, we would still not have our baby girl today. She was not meant to be here. I know that this may not ease the minds of some ladies, but please don't worry about what happened to us because of the decision the Dr. had made. We not only had a loss but Dr. Herta did as well. We will continue to see Dr. Herta, and God willing she will deliver our next baby.


sue martin said...

Rylie you are an amazing mother, friend, wife and daughter-in law. your strength is what is holding me together. love sue

Jade said...

Thanks for your thoughts. We love you!

J&E said...

I have never had so difficult of a "why" question that I wanted answering. But when I have had a few difficult "why"s it has been helpful for me to think of the Savior suffering. Why did he have to do that? He was so perfect, He didn't deserve anything He had to go through, but He did it - for us. I think of Him on the tree in Gethsemane where even He asked Heavenly Father to not have to go through this trial, but then He (being perfect) also uttered those famous words "nevertheless not as I will but as thou wilt". It's important to remember the reason “why” our Savior had to suffer – it was for us. And not just for our sins but also for our afflictions (Alma 7:11-13) so that "his bowels may be filled with mercy...that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people". Elder Holland said "To succor means 'to run to.' I testify that Christ will run to us, and is running even now, if we will but receive the extended arms of His mercy". Know that although the "why"s of our trials in this life cannot always be answered here, we can find eventually find comfort here through our Savior. In knowing that He felt exactly what you are feeling right now for the sole purpose that He may know how to comfort you perfectly. Know that just as we each want to put our arms around you to help your hurting turn to healing, His desire to do so is ten times greater. And though our arms may only bring you temporary comfort, He comes with healing in His wings to bring you comfort and eventually peace. I know that He is our balm in Gilead, if we will let him encircle us in His arms because only He knows perfectly why and how each of us suffer, and only He can bring the lasting comfort that we seek. Let Him run to you. I love you Rylie, keep being strong, I know that the sun will shine again and that Preslie misses you just as much as you miss her. Through our Savior you will both be able to survive this extremely painful (even though momentary) separation. Again I love you and continue to pray for you daily.
With much love and admiration,

Alexis said...

You two are no doubt an amazing couple to be able to go through this trial and survive and become better through it. I'm not sure if you've seen the blog or not, but it is a family who lost a baby at 1 year old and the mom has some very wonderful posts that you may find worth reading. You guys are still in our thoughts and prayers. It was good to see you at church yesterday, even though I can't imagine how hard it must have been.

Jenny and Kelsey said...

RY! I just want to be there giving you a big hug right now!! Keep sharing your thoughts and getting them out....I know that helps me. I love you and Jenny and I are always thinking about you and Chris (as well as baby Preslie).

Schrievers in a Nutshell said...

Every time I read your blog I just start crying because your words are amazing and I love how you are able to express how you feel so beautifully. Chris and Preslie are so lucky to have you as a wife and mother and I pray that you will find peace and comfort. We love you guys!!

Johanna said...

I can only imagine how hard it was for you to go to Relief Society. I am sure those why questions will be there for awhile and I think it's ok and it's all part of the grieving process. It's great to look back with perspective but of course that takes time and I think you are doing an AMAZING job of working to get there. Your strength and testimony are seriously inspirational.

Aubreydoll said...

Rylie, you are such a strong and amazing person. I don't really know what else to say except that I have been watching in awe as you and Chris have been going through this enormous trial in your lives. I really admire your faith. And the love that you both have for Preslie is infectious and I know that she'll always be a part of your lives while you're here on earth.