I decided today to be brave and stay for the entire 3 blocks of church. Today was the Primary program and we were so proud to see our former class sing and present so well. There is nothing like a Primary Program to cheer up the heart. One of my favorite songs that I remember learning with our old Primary class was:"Children Holding Hands Around The World". Unfortunately they didn't sing that one, but I have thought of it often these past 3 weeks. Sunday school went pretty well since I had Chris next to me, but Relief Society was rough.
I figured it would be really hard to go back after everything that has happened. I knew that it wouldn't get any easier to avoid it week after week, but it was better to just jump in. I remember when reading the second book of the Twilight series after Edward had left Bella, and she described how she would physically hold herself so that she would not fall apart. I know understood what she meant. I had to hold myself during Relief Society and tell myself "just be strong, don't brake down".
I sat there in the back not being able to look at the new babies that had just been born this past month asking the bazillion dollar question "WHY?" Why is the only thing I have to show for having my baby is a necklace around my neck, and not a baby on my lap? Why were we the chosen couple to have this trial? Why can't I have my baby here with me now and in heaven? Why do I have to sit and be reminded of something I don't have?
I can't wait to ask the Lord all of my questions someday, and to one day understand his entire plan. Although I know I will see Preslie again and be able to hold her, it does not make it any easier.
My mom mentioned that she had read somewhere of a woman who was going through a similar situation who kept asking the "why" questions. She said she finally realized that she will never have an answer here on earth, so she began to ask herself "What can I learn from this?" When my mom told me this I thought I can't get past the "why" questions yet to get to that point. After thinking about it for the majority of the evening I began to question why I kept thinking of the un-answered question. I look forward to the time where I can reflect back on this time and see what I have learned from this, and what has made me stronger. I know that with time it will get easier and easier (hopefully) to attend social functions as well as church events.
I just want to let some of the sisters in the ward know that we do NOT blame Dr. Herta for what happened with our baby girl. I know there are a bunch of women in the ward who go to her who are currently pregnant, and are really scared. We know that Preslie was not meant to be with us at this time, and although it was hard to swallow in the beginning we hold no hard feelings against the Dr. We saw the pain on our doctors face when she came to the hospital and how hard it was for her to talk with us after Preslie was born. We know that even if we were induced earlier or before our due date, we would still not have our baby girl today. She was not meant to be here. I know that this may not ease the minds of some ladies, but please don't worry about what happened to us because of the decision the Dr. had made. We not only had a loss but Dr. Herta did as well. We will continue to see Dr. Herta, and God willing she will deliver our next baby.