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I feel like I am regressing. Meaning that instead of moving forward through my grieving I have taken a few steps backwards. I have heard that this is very common, and when you move forward again you are a bit stronger each time. I have just been having the hardest time coming to grips with the fact that Preslie will never come home. Chris and I finally figured out a few weeks ago that it's almost as if I am still waiting for Preslie to come. I waited 2 months after getting back from Washington DC to have Preslie, and I literally sat and waited for her arrival. Then we had everything ready, we left to go to the hospital with her and she never came home. I feel like I am still waiting for her to come home. I know that she won't, and that I am wasting time and energy "waiting". It's just been eating at me the past month, and really putting me down.
I am not sure what the 5 month anniversary did to me, but I just feels like it's another month of waiting. I realize I am going to be waiting a very long time before I get the opportunity to see Preslie, but I am impatient. Maybe that is what I am suppose to learn from all of this, is to have Patience. It's so hard though! I want her now! I would never want this to happen to anyone, but I can't help but think about people who don't even want kids who end up having them. Or people who abandon their babies, and literally throw them away. Or our drugged up neighbors who don't give a hoot what temperature it is outside but proceeds to have their windows open with their naked boys yelling outside. Why when parents want a child so badly are they the ones who get them taken away? We will never know until we ask God ourselves.
In our institute class Brother Draut always tells us how great it will be when we will get to raise our daughter, and not have to worry about her ever being sick or hurt, or in pain, that we will be able to raise a celestial baby who was too perfect to be here. It brings me such comfort to know that Preslie never had to experience any pain, that she will never have to experience the trials that we all face. We want her here so badly but, great will be the day when we can raise her in a perfect place.
In the book I am currently reading "Overcoming Personal Loss" It says to allow yourself to go to your happy place, with your loved one you have lost. I find myself going there all the time. I just love to imagine what she would look like, how her eyes would sparkle, and how curly her hair would be. I like to think that going to that happy place is a taste of what is to come.
My all time favorite movie is "The Wizard of Oz". I can't help to think of the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", because over the rainbow is where Preslie is.
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?