Tuesday, October 5, 2010
The colder weather, crunchy leaves, and little pumpkins brings me back 2 years ago. Fall used to be my favorite season. There is a different feel in the air, a unique smell of the fallen leaves, and the colors are beautiful.
Fall brings on a whole new meaning to me. The pumpkins remind me of my last night with Preslie. I remember carving the littlest one for her, and calling it the "Jack Skelington" pumpkin. The rain reminds me of my due date, October 15th. It rained all day long, but it didn't matter...Preslie would be arriving soon. The leaves. The leaves will forever be ingrained in my memory...riding up to the cemetery sitting next to Preslie's little casket. Watching through the hearse windows the colors outside were amazingly beautiful, and the sun shone through the bitter wind.
Now here I sit trying to push out the pain and sorrow, while failing miserably to do so. All of these reminders bring back some of my most tender feelings and thoughts. Wanting answers, but knowing there are none. Wishing I could go back for even just a minute to tell Preslie that I love her and will never forget her.
While waiting in the car the other day I watched a little girl(around age 2)playing in the leaves while her pregnant mother stood nearby. I couldn't help but think "That should be me". Playing with Preslie, while being pregnant with Arista. Although I enjoy every minute with Arista, I sometimes can't help to think of what would have been.
For Preslie's second "Angelversary" this year we are burying her with my grandfather, who passed away in June. She will be laid to rest in the Murray Cemetery among family. We are all flying out for the event in a few weeks, and I have mixed feelings about how it will go. And questions that have been keeping me awake long into the night. Will it bring back all the pain and grief? Will I be able to finally move forward? How will I react to seeing the little casket again? One thing that has gotten me through is knowing that I will see Preslie's little casket again. How will it be knowing that it will be the last time?
October, a former month of happiness and joy.
Now, a month I struggle to enjoy.
With leaves and pumpkins reminding me,
of what was not meant to be.
A tiny cry I never heard,
A mother's hope and dream now blurred.
Cold fall winds awaken me
"Where is my sweet little P?"
Asleep I see her standing there
Brown eyes with curly light brown hair.
"I'll see you soon, my Mommy dear
Tell Daddy Hi, and Arista I'm here."
October, laced with sorrow, grief and pain
brought us our angel, who we will see again.
Preslie will forever and always be,
A special guardian angel over our eternal family.
Posted by Rylie at 10:59 PM