Tuesday, October 5, 2010

October Sorrow


The colder weather, crunchy leaves, and little pumpkins brings me back 2 years ago. Fall used to be my favorite season. There is a different feel in the air, a unique smell of the fallen leaves, and the colors are beautiful.

Fall brings on a whole new meaning to me. The pumpkins remind me of my last night with Preslie. I remember carving the littlest one for her, and calling it the "Jack Skelington" pumpkin. The rain reminds me of my due date, October 15th. It rained all day long, but it didn't matter...Preslie would be arriving soon. The leaves. The leaves will forever be ingrained in my memory...riding up to the cemetery sitting next to Preslie's little casket. Watching through the hearse windows the colors outside were amazingly beautiful, and the sun shone through the bitter wind.

Now here I sit trying to push out the pain and sorrow, while failing miserably to do so. All of these reminders bring back some of my most tender feelings and thoughts. Wanting answers, but knowing there are none. Wishing I could go back for even just a minute to tell Preslie that I love her and will never forget her.

While waiting in the car the other day I watched a little girl(around age 2)playing in the leaves while her pregnant mother stood nearby. I couldn't help but think "That should be me". Playing with Preslie, while being pregnant with Arista. Although I enjoy every minute with Arista, I sometimes can't help to think of what would have been.

For Preslie's second "Angelversary" this year we are burying her with my grandfather, who passed away in June. She will be laid to rest in the Murray Cemetery among family. We are all flying out for the event in a few weeks, and I have mixed feelings about how it will go. And questions that have been keeping me awake long into the night. Will it bring back all the pain and grief? Will I be able to finally move forward? How will I react to seeing the little casket again? One thing that has gotten me through is knowing that I will see Preslie's little casket again. How will it be knowing that it will be the last time?

October Sorrow

October, a former month of happiness and joy.
Now, a month I struggle to enjoy.
With leaves and pumpkins reminding me,
of what was not meant to be.

A tiny cry I never heard,
A mother's hope and dream now blurred.
Cold fall winds awaken me
"Where is my sweet little P?"

Asleep I see her standing there
Brown eyes with curly light brown hair.
"I'll see you soon, my Mommy dear
Tell Daddy Hi, and Arista I'm here."

October, laced with sorrow, grief and pain
brought us our angel, who we will see again.
Preslie will forever and always be,
A special guardian angel over our eternal family.

14 comments:

Sami and Mark said...

You always speak with such emotion that I can feel your pain but you also speak with such strength that I am always amazed. May God strengthen you through this difficult time of year and bless you for being the great person you are. Thank you for your testimony!

Rylie said...

Dear Rylie Chris, your strength builds me up. Im only her grandmother and I know what Im going through. I so pray for the two of you to be able to become stronger during these next two weeks and realize many people love you and want to be apart of the Rememberence.I love you with everyounce of being I have....

Danny and Lauren's Blog said...

I have been thinking about you. You young mothers who have lost babies continue to amaze me with the courage in which you share your feelings, and with the way you carry on despite the little hole in your heart. I will pray for peace and for tender mercies to surprise you. To me your family is special. A very special dad, mom, big sister Preslie, and little sister Arista. Thank you for alway sharing your stories, feelings and testimony with us. God bless you and your most special family. Xo.

Our Family said...

Beautiful post. Beautiful poem.

McGinnis Family said...

I feel for you and have thought a lot about you and your sweet, little family a lot! I know what you must be going through and pray and hope you can receive comfort during this month. October is a difficult month for us, as well, with it being the time we lost Brenna. Just know we love you and are here for you!!!!

The Wilson Crew said...

Rylie you sweet, strong woman. I can not even imagine what you are going through. You inspire me to be a better person. You have so much love and strength. I want you to know that I love you and think of you often and pray that you will get your answers that you are so looking for. I am always here for you. I am just an email away. How lucky is preslie to lay next to her great grandfather and be looked after by him. My thoughts and prayers are always with you. Love you

jefferies said...

Oh Rylie,
that sounds beautiful and difficult at the same time. I hope it's a lovely experience for you all.
Some fine day this will all be a blip on the short page of mortality, and we'll remember our Angel baby experiences with gratitude that we're no longer needed to endure them.
I hope that day comes soon.
-Kate

Katie said...

thinking of you guys!

Brian and Erika Hogge said...

Let me start by telling you how much we love you, Chris Preslie and Arista! You will always remain our extended Hogge family! :)
It seems like yesterday your sweet baby girl went home to Heavenly Father. Thinking of watching you and Chris go through that heart-wrenching time in your life pains me! I choose to remember the strength we witnessed. Brian & I would lay in bed at night talking of your courage and faith. You were hurting, yet still managed to keep an eternal perspective. Preslie is so lucky to have such a stalwart, brave and noble woman as her mother, and I am lucky to have her mother as my good friend!
All our love!
The Hogge's :)

erin d. said...

You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. What a perfect poem. Love and Hugs your way.

Erin

Janee said...

(((Hugs)))

You guys are always in our thoughts this time of year. Love to you and your precious family :)

Willow said...

Hello, Rylie & Chris: I read you entry and have so much love and compassion for you. I hope that seeing Preslie laid to rest with family close by will bring you comfort and peace. I will be thinking of you all a great deal during this week. May you be strengthened and see the Lord's tender mercies in your life as you celebrate Preslie's life. I am grateful for the Lord's sacrifice for us; because of this there will be a day when all caskets are empty and we stand rejoicing with our family and friends around us. Hugs to all of you.


P.S. -- A rather incredible thing just happened. The scrambled characters that I am to enter to send this message are "imabled". Through the Saviour's sacrifice and the witness of the Holy Ghost, we are able -- and enabled -- to bear all things and to know that there is so much more waiting for us. I wonder who dived into my computer system and tweaked it this morning for us both!! Truly amazing!

Willow said...

I went into the scriptures after I'd posted to you and found this for you -- verse 20 is what came to mind as I contemplated being able, but the whole passage is really good:

(Ephesians 3) --
14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named,
16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man;
17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love,
18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height;
19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God.
20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,
21 Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.

Amy said...

Thinking of you and sweet Preslie!! Its such a hard time. *hugs*