Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Pregnancy Anxiety

The pregnancy anxiety is a lot more real then I would have imagined. I find myself waking up numerous times in the night to try and feel Arista move. I wake up any where between 7am-8am every morning, where I will get up, eat breakfast, and wait for her to move. Once I feel her move, I will then go back to sleep for a few more hours. My mind is constantly thinking "When is the last time I felt movement?" With Preslie she moved all the time from very early in the pregnancy. However I can honestly say that I never worried about her movements.

As November slowly approaches, I cannot even think of then or after. Next month we start doing NST's twice a week, as well as meet with our Dr. once every 2 weeks. We are going to schedule NST's to do at night as well. We will then be admitted to the hospital as early as 33 weeks if wanted, or 36 weeks. Then they will take the baby at 38 weeks. You would think that with all of these precautionary measures, and tests that I would feel like everything will be fine. I have learned that anything can happen. We went in for a NST the day that Preslie died. The NST was normal and everything. I do know that there is a chance that we may be able to keep Arista, but until she is safely in my arms I can't think of that. I am too afraid to open my heart 100% because I do not want to go through the pain of losing a child again.

I have had many dreams during this pregnancy about having a baby, but the baby comes out dead. I have never once had a dream where I have had a living baby, or if the baby was living it didn't move, cry, open it's eyes, and it looked very cold. I have only known how to deliver a dead child, my brain cannot comprehend it being the opposite.

I hope and pray everyday that through all of the anxiety and fear, that Chris and I can enjoy every minute we have with Arista. I do not know what I would do if we weren't pregnant right now. It has been a huge blessing in our lives, and has brought a glimmer of hope back to us again. It terrifies me how much I love this little girlie already, but I know that I wouldn't want it any other way.

13 comments:

Janey said...

Oh Rylie, you're such a dear! I totally can imagine the stress of everything and the anxiety you must feel--I'm constantly worried about things for our baby, too! I'm so glad your dr's are keeping a watchful eye and making sure everything is going well. You're always in my thoughts and prayers!

Amy said...

Oh Riley I can just imagine the anxiety you must be having! I will pray that you may be at peace. Have you thought about going to Dr. Collins in Louisiana? just a thought.

Melanie Williams said...

How horrible to have such anxiety and dreams. Hopefully your other pregnancies will be less stressful.

Michelle said...

I can only imagine the stress and anxiety you must feel about everything regarding 'pregnancy'. The only thing I can relate it to, is my anxiety every time one of the children gets a cough or cold...I think, oh my goodness what if, what if, what if. It's hard to let go of all the racing thoughts and doubts and just hold onto the faith you have! Try, my friend, try to keep your stress low, try to focus on that sweet girl inside of you and Heavenly Father's plan for her, and for you as a mother. REad your pachriachal blessing (if you have one) and if you need, get a blessing at the start of each week. The Priesthood is here to bless you, always...there is no way you can use it too much. Feel Preslie, feel her presence and her love for you, Chris and Arista....feel her influence in your life and hold on to that courage and strength you have from all you've gone through...tomorrow will come, the sun will shine and you WILL be a mother! Love you my friend!

Brittanie said...

(hugs) I hate those nightmares. I never felt safe with either Erin or Patrick until they were in my arms. I guess it's just your subconscious trying to protect itself. I agree with Michelle about blessings. You can't wear the priesthood out. It's hard, I think, when you just want to be able to "deal" by yourself, but you don't have to. It's a wonderful thing to cast that burden on the Lord (I have to admit, I never got perfect at that. I always worried. There were just good times when I could bury the worry in better things and feel good about it).

On a different note, I am doing a memorial video for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day (oct. 15) and I would like to include Preslie. If you'd like to be included, will you let me know?

(hugs)

Kim said...

Riley I have felt your pain. I think I felt all those same emotions when I was pregnant with Luke. Really is will get better when your baby gets a little bigger. I am sorry you have to go through pregnancy with such anxiety. It was one of the hardest things I have gone through. I think about you often and pray for your little one.

Aubreydoll said...

I had no idea you were having dreams like that, I can't even imagine how scary they must be! I wish I had some consoling words to say but I don't. I just want to remind you that if you need ANYTHING, day or night, we're here! We love you guys and can't wait for the day when you get to hold a little baby in your arms.

Deb and Stan said...

What an inspiration you are! We also pray for Arista every day!

Bob, Emily, Ellie, and Kate said...

Oh Rylie, my heart goes out to you. I feel that pregnancy brings some anxiety by itself, and then after what you have been through, I can't even imagine how hard that must be. I am so glad that all of the precautions are being taken to take good care of this little one. I know this little baby will bless your lives so greatly when she is here. Can't wait to meet her. Please let me know if you need anything.

Willow said...

Riley, I was so glad to have the return call from Chris yesterday letting us know that you and Arista are okay. I'm glad that Sparrow is close by and is such an excellent hospital. I've dealt with anxiety before -- not pregnancy anxiety, but anxiety about other issues -- and it's really nasty how your mind can tie you up in knots with "what ifs" and with sad and stressful imaginings.

You and your little family are the prayer that I carry constantly in my heart, and I think about you and pray for your welfare often.

I've finished the book you loaned me. Let me know when I can bring it back to you and give you a hug.

Love,
Lisa

Danny and Lauren's Blog said...

Hang in there pretty lady! I am thinking of you. God bless you, Chris, Preslie, and Arista. You are one amazing chicky. =)

Marni said...

I am so sorry you have those dreams. I put your name in the temple every time I go.:)

April said...

I can't even imagine the anxiety you must have. I too would wake up often to make sure she was still moving. I am so glad that your Dr seems to be taking all the precautions and I am glad that things are going well. Hang in there girly, only a few more months.