The pregnancy anxiety is a lot more real then I would have imagined. I find myself waking up numerous times in the night to try and feel Arista move. I wake up any where between 7am-8am every morning, where I will get up, eat breakfast, and wait for her to move. Once I feel her move, I will then go back to sleep for a few more hours. My mind is constantly thinking "When is the last time I felt movement?" With Preslie she moved all the time from very early in the pregnancy. However I can honestly say that I never worried about her movements.
As November slowly approaches, I cannot even think of then or after. Next month we start doing NST's twice a week, as well as meet with our Dr. once every 2 weeks. We are going to schedule NST's to do at night as well. We will then be admitted to the hospital as early as 33 weeks if wanted, or 36 weeks. Then they will take the baby at 38 weeks. You would think that with all of these precautionary measures, and tests that I would feel like everything will be fine. I have learned that anything can happen. We went in for a NST the day that Preslie died. The NST was normal and everything. I do know that there is a chance that we may be able to keep Arista, but until she is safely in my arms I can't think of that. I am too afraid to open my heart 100% because I do not want to go through the pain of losing a child again.
I have had many dreams during this pregnancy about having a baby, but the baby comes out dead. I have never once had a dream where I have had a living baby, or if the baby was living it didn't move, cry, open it's eyes, and it looked very cold. I have only known how to deliver a dead child, my brain cannot comprehend it being the opposite.
I hope and pray everyday that through all of the anxiety and fear, that Chris and I can enjoy every minute we have with Arista. I do not know what I would do if we weren't pregnant right now. It has been a huge blessing in our lives, and has brought a glimmer of hope back to us again. It terrifies me how much I love this little girlie already, but I know that I wouldn't want it any other way.