Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Empty

I knew today would be especially difficult being my 6-week check-up. Chris had a final at 9:00 this morning, and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it alone. I asked Erika if she would go with me, and was so glad she was able to. Walking up the stairs to the office I could feel the emotion rising up inside of me. I took a deep breath and we went in, only to find out that I was not meeting with my doctor. I was meeting with the nurse practitioner. I had a rush of emotions and thoughts go through my head, as I waited to be called back. "Why was I not meeting with my doctor?" "Is she to ashamed to meet with me?" "Why after this happening would she not want to see me?"

They called me back to be weighed, and we walked past the non-stress test room. I could feel the tears starting to come to my eyes, but luckily I was able to pull it together for a little while. While waiting for the NP Erika and I talked about the Twilight series. It felt like I was waiting forever, although I am sure it was only about 15 minutes. The NP came in and gave her sincere condolences and went along with the check up. As I laid there I couldn't help but think back of all the times I laid there listening to little Preslie's heartbeat, and the excitement I had for her to come. Never in all of those times did I worry that when I went back for my 6-week check-up Preslie would not be there with me.

It was so hard to leave there without feeling completely empty inside. I am so grateful to Erika for being there with me on this really hard day. I could not have done it alone.

Chris and I were told that you have to go through the hard things once, then it slowly gets a little easier. I am hoping when I go back in a few weeks, it will be a little easier.

8 comments:

J&E said...

I ache for your Rylie, I truly do. I put myself in your shoes often, and am reminded to treasure each moment I have with Jane, because the moment is all we are guaranteed. Keep holding on. You are still in each of my prayers. I am amazed at your strength during this difficult time. I'm glad you have good friends to hold your hand and help dry your tears through all of this.
Lots of love and prayers,
Erin

Jenny and Kelsey said...

I find myself getting emotional at times, just yesterday I saw some pregnant women while I waited in line and I couldn't keep the tears from coming. I wish that I could've been there to hold your hand and to help you through all of this, but I am grateful that you have great friends and a great husband to help you and support you. We love you and Chris and think of you and baby Preslie often. Keep holding on. :)

Aubreydoll said...

Oh Rylie, today must've been so hard for you. I'm so glad that Erika was able to go with you so you didn't have to go alone. My heart still aches for you every day but I'm so grateful for the opportunity to get to know you better. Both you and Chris are such wonderful and amazing people. We love you!

Kim said...

I think of you often Rylie. I wish I could of spent some more time with you before I left. I am so glad we were able to share our experience with each other. You and Chris are special parents with such a special little Angel watching over you. I hope we can keep in touch. You will be in our prayers. It will get easier!

Bob, Emily, and Ellie said...

Rylie, you are so strong. I can't even imagine what today must have been like. What a wonderful friend you have in Erika, I am so glad that she could be there for you.

I haven't read any blogs for a while and just read all the updates on yours. I couldn't help but sit here and cry as I think of what you are going through. I am completely amazed by your strength. And hope that some day I could have just a small amount of the faith that you have. Thanks for your example. You truly are amazing!

Bobby and M!kell said...

Rylie, I have sat here for about 15 mins and typed and then deleted multiple things to say to you..... and honestly I just don't know how to put into words how my heart aches for you and Chris daily. you are in my thoughts...
with love,
M!kell ♥

Anonymous said...

Rylie and Chris,
I want you to know that I believe that as hard as this is for you both, your Heavenly Father loves you both and is aware of the circumstances, and I am sure there are many angels that surround you both every day. You are both in my prayers. Love, Gay Lynn

Anonymous said...

I understand you are friends with my daughter Desarae and my son-in-law Nate. I was looking at their friends bloggs. It is fun to get to know them a bit and see their fun and their trials. 26 years ago I buried my daughter Danielle and the pain is still here. The pain often reminds me of my Saviors love for me and the blessings of this life. I had many amazing family members and friends surround me also, but the peace I found on my knees is what carried me into brighter days and hope for better days. She is my Angel child and I now live with a devout desire to live with her again. Kneel often and Know as I Know you will be with this baby again. What a blessing. I know my Savior lives. Bless you Sister Cindy Harding