I feel like I am regressing. Meaning that instead of moving forward through my grieving I have taken a few steps backwards. I have heard that this is very common, and when you move forward again you are a bit stronger each time. I have just been having the hardest time coming to grips with the fact that Preslie will never come home. Chris and I finally figured out a few weeks ago that it's almost as if I am still waiting for Preslie to come. I waited 2 months after getting back from Washington DC to have Preslie, and I literally sat and waited for her arrival. Then we had everything ready, we left to go to the hospital with her and she never came home. I feel like I am still waiting for her to come home. I know that she won't, and that I am wasting time and energy "waiting". It's just been eating at me the past month, and really putting me down.
I am not sure what the 5 month anniversary did to me, but I just feels like it's another month of waiting. I realize I am going to be waiting a very long time before I get the opportunity to see Preslie, but I am impatient. Maybe that is what I am suppose to learn from all of this, is to have Patience. It's so hard though! I want her now! I would never want this to happen to anyone, but I can't help but think about people who don't even want kids who end up having them. Or people who abandon their babies, and literally throw them away. Or our drugged up neighbors who don't give a hoot what temperature it is outside but proceeds to have their windows open with their naked boys yelling outside. Why when parents want a child so badly are they the ones who get them taken away? We will never know until we ask God ourselves.
In our institute class Brother Draut always tells us how great it will be when we will get to raise our daughter, and not have to worry about her ever being sick or hurt, or in pain, that we will be able to raise a celestial baby who was too perfect to be here. It brings me such comfort to know that Preslie never had to experience any pain, that she will never have to experience the trials that we all face. We want her here so badly but, great will be the day when we can raise her in a perfect place.
In the book I am currently reading "Overcoming Personal Loss" It says to allow yourself to go to your happy place, with your loved one you have lost. I find myself going there all the time. I just love to imagine what she would look like, how her eyes would sparkle, and how curly her hair would be. I like to think that going to that happy place is a taste of what is to come.
My all time favorite movie is "The Wizard of Oz". I can't help to think of the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", because over the rainbow is where Preslie is.
Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high,
There's a land that I heard of
Once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
15 comments:
I wish I could come and give you a hug.
You are such an AMAZING person with such an AMAZING heart! Don't be so hard on yourself, seriously. Everyone grieves their own way. Regression happens and it's ok. "Climbers" get tired and have to take a break sometimes. It's hard to stay positive every single day. It's hard to face the world and try to act like everything is ok. It's ok to have those days where you just can't do it. You are doing the best you can and that's all that is asked of you. I understand your pain. I STILL, to this day, wish I could have some sort of glimpse in to the next life or the Spirit World to see my daughter, to make sure she's ok, to make sure she KNOWS of my love for her!!! I know you may not see it now but, you are becoming stronger and stronger each day. Give yourself time. You will get better and stronger, I promise! Love, love, love you guys!
You inspire me and edify me every time I read a post. You have no idea how many lives you have touched. Our thoughts and prayers are with you always! We love you!
Hi Rylie:
I think the great thing about our Heavenly Father is that he knows how much we can handle, and then He is there pick up the rest of the weight, even if it seems like it is more than we could ever possibley bear. I know this is so hard, I lost a baby on Christmas in '07 and I wasn't really far along and that was hard, I still think sometimes, wow, I would have an 18 month old right now and it makes me sad...I can't imagine having to go through what you have to. You are doing an amazing job, really. Every post, you always come back to the FACT that you will be able to raise Preslie, that you will see her again, that you are blessed with an eternal family. You never lost your testimony, which is amazing, it really shows how strong you are. You are an ispiration. Let me know if you need anything, or if you need something to do, I am always here.
My heart is playing the waiting game with me. It just feels like the boys are over in the hospital and any day now someone from the NICU will call us and tell us we can bring them home. It just kills me when I come out of that "dream" and back into reality and realize, this isn't true.
We will get our rainbow babies. I know we will. Maybe we will get pregnant again at the same time *hugs* Always here for yah girl.
love yah
Yeah, I don't know if that waiting feeling ever goes away. And I go to my happy place frequently too. Maybe it's because we know our girls aren't really gone.
I have this beautiful mental image of all of us angel mothers standing together at the beginning of the Millennium, receiving our babies back and sharing all our joyful tears. We will have joy equal to our pain. We just have to endure the pain now. (hugs)
Rylie, my dear, sweet friend...I am not sure there is anything I can say to give peace to your heart. I cried with you yesterday and wished I was close enough to hug you and hug you again. Sometimes the pain we have to endure on this earth seems so overwhelming and we think 'this is not what my life was supposed to be...' but then that sweet spirit whispers comfort into our hearts to remind us that this earth life is only but a moment even though in the midst of it all feels like so much longer. I found this talk and as it has helped me lately, I hope it will give you some peace if only to get you through just one more day. You and Chris are loved so much, by people all around you and by our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and your sweet Preslie that is with you daily. Read this, pray, go to the temple if you can, and just HOPE for tomorrow my friend...I am always here if you need anything...
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=bbd44bb52a73d110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1
Rylie, you have a way with words, and expressing just exactly how I am filling also. I feel like, for me it is much harder than I expected at this time. I think maybe because we did wait for them for so long and then they didn't come home. I envisioned her in my life and family and now my life is not what I thought it was. I thought I would be happy right now, and I'm not. I also think it is because I finely am coming to the realization that my beautiful baby will not join me here in this life time, and I want it so bad. I also feel like our Sharyn is so much more apart of our family now,(I think because I held her and kissed her and really fell in love with her) so it makes me miss her even more.
I am so sorry for you and your family! I want you to know that I am here if you need anything. I really love and care about you and your little family. I hope things get easier for you and wish you peace and happiness.
I think I say this all the time, but I wish there was more I could do to help you. We love you both so much and don't want you to have to hurt anymore.
That brought a tear to my eye. I love you Ry and I miss Preslie too!
Rylie you are such an amazing woman. I'm sure you are on the worst emotional rollercoaster one can be on - some days better than others. Keep on holding on. We love you guys. *Hugs*
I bet that going to your happy place is wonderful but I bet that when you really get there it is going to be more wonderful than you could ever imagine!!! How could it not with that sweet angel Preslie. Keep holding on. We love you so much!
Rylie, I can't even imagine what you are going through. I wish I could help you in some way. You really are so strong and dealing with everything so beautifully. It is pretty neat what your institute teacher says about raising your daughter with out any sickness or pain. I have never thought of things like that. I am proud of you for keeping busy and surrounding yourself with good things. I hope things get better. Much love!
That was beautiful. I can't help but tear up. Keep your chin up Rylie. There's a plan for each of us and like you said, you will see your angel again. I know you will :)
Rylie, You are an amazing person and we love you so much! You are an inspiration and it's ok to feel like you are regressing. There is no time limit on your greiving process. This quote from President Monson helps me sometimes when I feel like I am regressing too. "At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel's end-no dawn to break the night's darkness...we feel abandoned,heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but he will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face." I know you will get through this storm and your rainbow will come.
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