Christmas Light Gazing From Heaven

One of my favorite parts of Christmas are all the beautiful lights. Growing up on Christmas Eve we would all be in our new pajamas and jump into the car and go look at lights. There was this neighborhood that would go all out with amazing lights. The feeling was so special and sparkly.

The past few years living in Michigan there weren't many Christmas lights. I was shocked that not many people put them up. Last year when my parents came for Thanksgiving my Dad put up beautiful lights on our little house. It made such a huge difference to my Christmas spirit.

Tonight Chris, Arista and I drove around the neighborhood and looked at the lights. There aren't as many here in Virginia as there are out west. Since we live in a townhouse community there is limited space for Christmas lights. However, I loved every minute of it. I loved looking at everyone's Christmas trees, and I especially loved all the many twinkling lights. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I am so excited for Christmas this year, and yet dreading it at the same time. How can you have conflicting feelings like that? I keep reflecting back on the past few Christmases and the feelings I had then and now. 2 years ago my world ended, and Christmas was VERY difficult. Last Christmas I was in heaven with my miracle baby, and this Christmas I feel a huge hole in my heart. I want to spend Christmas with my two daughters. I want Preslie to come down the stairs holding Arista and jumping for joy at what Santa has brought her. I want to see her crazy curly brown hair bouncing along with her. I want her to sit on my lap with Arista as we read the Nativity Story. I want to look at our two daughters opening gifts, and look at Chris and feel like my life is complete. I want Arista to have a mother who is 100% devoted to her, and not sad on Christmas morning.

I have come to terms with the fact that Preslie was only here to receive a body, and that she has a bigger purpose. I can't make 100% peace with not having her here with us right here and right now. I wonder if I ever will have that peace. As I have watched Arista grow, I have found myself becoming sad that she is growing up. When Preslie died I wanted that baby. I wanted a live baby to take care of. As Arista is becoming more independent and growing out of her baby stage that want of a baby is growing stronger. My mother tells me that is why it's time to have another child. My Mom just wants another grandbaby. ;) No, I want to go back in time and snatch my baby Preslie and take care of her and watch her grow. I want that empty feeling in my heart and arms to go away. I want Arista to meet the amazing sister she has, and to be able to look up to her and grow alongside her.

Christmas time is a wonderful time to reconnect with our Savior. I am grateful the Savior was born on this earth and that he died for me. He died for me to be able to fill this whole in my heart, and to raise and see my little P again. I know that through him I can temporarily fill my void, however hard it may be. How lucky Preslie is to be able to spend Christmas with the reason for the season.

An angel Daddy sent me this poem two years ago, and I love reading it during this Christmas time.

Christmas in Heaven
I see the countless CHRISTMAS TREES around the world below
with tiny lights like HEAVEN’S STARS reflecting on the snow.

The sight is so SPECTACULAR please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many CHRISTMAS SONGS that people hold so dear
but the SOUND OF MUSIC can't compare with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know HOW MUCH YOU MISS ME, I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to LIFT YOUR SPIRIT as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your HEARTS BE JOYFUL and let your SPIRIT SING
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

By Wanda White

Everytime I look at the Christmas lights on houses and trees I always think "I bet Preslie has an amazing view of all the lights around the world". I imagine myself sitting next to her in the clouds "Christmas light gazing". Someday we will all be together again gazing at the lights, but for now only in my dreams.