11 Months

This time last year Chris' mom came for a few weeks, to help paint and set up Preslie's nursery. Chris and Sue had a great time painting the room "Princess Pink". Chris and I bought Winnie the Pooh wall stickers to stick, and his Mom gave us these monogram pictures of Winnie the Pooh adventures. It seemed like every night Chris and I were doing something to get Preslie's nursery all ready to go. We bought at least 3 different mobiles to try out on the crib, and I was washing everything P would wear in the special baby detergent. We wanted everything ready by the first of October. Just in case she decided to come early.

It seems crazy and foreign to me to think back to that time. To look at the pictures and see the pure joy we felt. I constantly say to Chris "We were so close! How did this happen?" I find myself still trying to come up with answers to how our little Preslie died, but I always come back to the fact that we will never know. I would like to imagine that she was just taken in her sleep, and that she laid with us for awhile before she went on to fulfill the mission laid out for her. The regrets I have about not waking Chris up in the middle of the night, or how I should have known because of the feelings I had the previous night, have slowly departed from me. I want someone to blame, even if it is myself. There is no one to blame, this is what was suppose to happen. I can finally say that the anger I felt, and sometimes feel has decreased dramatically. The breakdowns still continue, although they are few and far between.

Around this time every month I make myself remember that awful day. I think back to every thought and feeling I had. I think our brain naturally tries to push out traumatic experiences, so that we don't dwell on them. I rarely think about that day when Preslie died, but I also never want to forget it either. That was the day that Preslie grew her wings, and the day that forever changed our lives. We have not been the same since, or ever will be. We have changed for the better, but have had to endure the storms before we have reached this point.

The approaching "first birthday" has been constantly on my mind for the past 3 months. When I can't sleep at night I lay awake thinking of how I will handle the day that is suppose to be so happy. It's hard to imagine that Preslie has been gone for almost a year. A whole entire year! She has been gone longer then she was here. Have you noticed that you haven't forgotten her though, that although she was only here a short while that she still has touched many lives? I often wonder if part of her mission was to bring others to have more appreciation for what they have, to serve, have more compassion, strengthen faith, and become closer to our Lord and Savior. I know she has accomplished this much and so much more in our individual lives, and as a family.

We love our daughter Preslie, and are grateful to have such a special guardian angel to watch over our family. We know she is not forgotten, and that she loves her sister Arista very much.