Our Little Rainbow

Chris and I really felt like we needed to go and get a 3D/4D ultrasound this weekend. We drove to troy, and were able to see our precious Arista for an hour. She is just the cutest thing. While watching her she got the hiccups, gave the placenta kisses, and held onto her little toes. We couldn't help but cry while watching the videos, feeling so blessed to being able to see this tiny miracle alive. One of the few regrets we have is never doing this with Preslie. We are so grateful we were able to with Arista. Now when we talk and think about her, we know what her little face looks like. :)

Here is our favorite part of the DVD we were able to receive. She yawns and kisses the placenta a few times.

11 Months

This time last year Chris' mom came for a few weeks, to help paint and set up Preslie's nursery. Chris and Sue had a great time painting the room "Princess Pink". Chris and I bought Winnie the Pooh wall stickers to stick, and his Mom gave us these monogram pictures of Winnie the Pooh adventures. It seemed like every night Chris and I were doing something to get Preslie's nursery all ready to go. We bought at least 3 different mobiles to try out on the crib, and I was washing everything P would wear in the special baby detergent. We wanted everything ready by the first of October. Just in case she decided to come early.

It seems crazy and foreign to me to think back to that time. To look at the pictures and see the pure joy we felt. I constantly say to Chris "We were so close! How did this happen?" I find myself still trying to come up with answers to how our little Preslie died, but I always come back to the fact that we will never know. I would like to imagine that she was just taken in her sleep, and that she laid with us for awhile before she went on to fulfill the mission laid out for her. The regrets I have about not waking Chris up in the middle of the night, or how I should have known because of the feelings I had the previous night, have slowly departed from me. I want someone to blame, even if it is myself. There is no one to blame, this is what was suppose to happen. I can finally say that the anger I felt, and sometimes feel has decreased dramatically. The breakdowns still continue, although they are few and far between.

Around this time every month I make myself remember that awful day. I think back to every thought and feeling I had. I think our brain naturally tries to push out traumatic experiences, so that we don't dwell on them. I rarely think about that day when Preslie died, but I also never want to forget it either. That was the day that Preslie grew her wings, and the day that forever changed our lives. We have not been the same since, or ever will be. We have changed for the better, but have had to endure the storms before we have reached this point.

The approaching "first birthday" has been constantly on my mind for the past 3 months. When I can't sleep at night I lay awake thinking of how I will handle the day that is suppose to be so happy. It's hard to imagine that Preslie has been gone for almost a year. A whole entire year! She has been gone longer then she was here. Have you noticed that you haven't forgotten her though, that although she was only here a short while that she still has touched many lives? I often wonder if part of her mission was to bring others to have more appreciation for what they have, to serve, have more compassion, strengthen faith, and become closer to our Lord and Savior. I know she has accomplished this much and so much more in our individual lives, and as a family.

We love our daughter Preslie, and are grateful to have such a special guardian angel to watch over our family. We know she is not forgotten, and that she loves her sister Arista very much.

Faith and Hope

Tuesday we started the beginning of our weekly non-stress tests. We go into the doctor's office for 30-45 minutes, where they will hook Arista's heartbeat up on the monitor, and a monitor on me as well. (Which shows if and when I have contractions) Every time Arista moves I have to push a little button, and on the paper it shows what her heart rate is when she moves. When she moves it is normal for her heart rate to increase. What they look for is good heart rates with the movement.

Tuesday Arista hardly moved at all, but the test was normal. Then Friday she was going to town! The nurse came in a few times to tell us that she could hear Arista moving next door. It took the nurse about 5 minutes to get the heartbeat to come in loud enough for the monitor to pick it up, that is how much she is moving. That test also came back normal.

Chris and I have mixed emotions about all of these tests, because we had one the day that Preslie died and it was a normal test. We are hoping that since they are doing them regularly and frequently that they will be able to tell sooner if there is a potential problem.

We are anxious and excited for Arista's arrival. I can't think about the end, because it scares me to death. I do not want to endure all the pain and heart ache again, but I know that the Lord has a plan for our little family. I feel optimistic that we will get to keep Arista, and that I will be able to bring her home. However, there is always that fear that resides in me. The fear that we have no control over what happens within these next few months.

I know that together Chris and I can withstand anything that comes are way, for I feel like we have been through one of life's greatest trials. I truly feel like Preslie has made me a better person, and that I have a whole new perspective on life and how quickly we are here on earth. Live in the moment, live right now.

Please keep Chris and I in your prayers these next couple of months. We could not ask for anything better from all of you. Your love and support has brought us to where we are today. We have felt your prayers, and know that they have strengthened our lives.

Utah, Idaho, Utah!... Wedding, Funeral, Baby Shower!

Quick Recap

A few weeks ago I had planned on going to Utah then Idaho then back to Utah. The day/night before I flew out was hectic. We were trying to get so many things done, which kept going wrong. Then we decided we really needed to go visit Preslie's tomb, since we had not been up there for a really long time. By the time we got up to St. Johns it was almost completely dark outside. We arrived at the cemetery and ran into the mausoleum, it was pitch black in there. We went and stood by her little grave, and I couldn't help but freak out at the thought that my baby's little body was in such a cold and dark place. After much convincing Chris got me to leave, I didn't want to leave her in such a dark place. The rest of the night I was a mess. I could not fathom flying out the next morning while I had such anxiety and sadness. Around 3am Chris found me in my rocking chair panicking, and not wanting to go anymore. Chris being the great husband that he was called right then and cancelled my ticket. The next day I was a mess. I couldn't believe that I was not going, and that I was letting my fear come over my faith. So Chris again called and got me a flight out the next morning. I repacked all my things and flew out. I didn't feel a bit of anxiety or regret, about my decision to go ahead with the trip.

While in Utah I helped my Mother-in-law Sue prepare for My Sister-in-law Marissa's wedding shower. She had a beautiful shower, and received many great gifts. I then helped her friend Kelsey get ready for the big Bachelorette Party. There were a lot of games, snacks, desserts, and presents. It was a lot of fun. Sue and I ran many errands, and bought many cute things together. We really had a great time all us girls hanging out. I think my favorite part was playing games with Chris' grandma, Aunt, Sue and Marissa.

After a weekend that flew by, I flew to Boise for a week! It was so nice to spend time with my family. My parents were able to get a night away, while my Aunties came and took care of my grandparents. I had not seen my aunt Pam in almost 5 years, so it was great to chat and spend time with her. My mom and I were able to go to the Boise Temple, and I couldn't help but feel joy that I was married in that same temple and that I was also sealed to my parents in that temple as well 19 years ago.

After a great week in Idaho, I flew back out to Utah. There I met Chris, and I was ecstatic to see him! Ever since Preslie's death I miss Chris more then ever when we are apart. In Utah we were able to attend Marissa's endowment session, and to witness Chris' mom get sealed to her deceased parents. That night we went to the rehearsal dinner, and had a great time being with family. The next day was the big wedding, and it was BEAUTIFUL!. The reception that night was also fabulous, with really great food.

The day after the wedding Chris set me up a prenatal massage, and it was wonderful. After my massage I attended a funeral of my Aunt's father. It was a beautiful ceremony, and the love expressed by family member's was very spirit felt. After the funeral my Mom and Mother-in-law threw me a baby shower. It was so fun! We made little babies out of chewed gum, chatted, and ate some yummy cake. My Mom made me a darling belly cake. Once I get picture I will post it! It was so dang cute. I was so lucky to be able to see many old friends, grandma's, aunts and cousins. Thank you all for your love and support.

While in Utah Chris and I were also able to meet our niece Claire. We weren't sure how we would react to the newest Martin addition, but we both fell in love with her instantly. We are so grateful for the spirit she brings to the family.

Chris and I had a great time, and are grateful to be back home to the beautiful fallish weather we are having. Once I get pictures of everything I will put them up. I feel like my post is naked without pictures. :p

Cheers to 3 years!

Today Chris and I have been married 3 years. I remember the day like it was yesterday, looking into Chris's eyes knowing that we were in a life long journey together. I loved looking into the mirrors in the temple seeing ourselves continuing on forever and ever.

Through our 3 years of marriage we have had the greatest times, and unfortunately the saddest. No one ever would have thought that our world would be turned upside down in the few short years that we have been married. Looking back through the years, our marriage is now stronger than ever. We endured and are continuing to endure the pains and toils of life. Hand in hand we can do anything.

Last night Chris and I looked back through many pictures of ourselves over the past 3 years. We wanted to share with you some of our favorites...














We have received so many blessings these past 3 years...

1. We were given the opportunity to conceive a perfect angel. Preslie brought us so much happiness last year. Through all the grief and sadness we wouldn't change anything. Preslie has changed out lives as well as many others. We are grateful for our little angel up in heaven.


2. We are grateful for our newest addition to be, Arista Miracle. Through all the fear and anxiety, we can't help but fall madly in love with this little girl. She has brought much needed hope and peace into our lives already, and we can only hope that she will get to stay with us here on earth.


3. We have been blessed to adopt our kitty Chew. He has been a huge help in our healing process. He has so much energy and excitement for life, and he is always there to greet us when we come home. I don't know how we would have been able to make it this far without him.


4. Law school here in Michigan has been another blessing in our life. We are on our last year here in Michigan, and we have been so blessed with many great friends, and a great ward. Moving to Michigan has been a huge blessing.

5. Our family has been a huge asset in our lives these past 3 years. They are always there for us when we need them, and they have all continued to stay by us during our darkest hours. We love them all so much, and couldn't have made it this far without them.

Cheers to 3 incredible years together, and to many many many many more. I love you so much Christopher Chadwick, I am so blessed and excited to spend forever with you. "Come what may, I will love you until the end of time". Happy Anniversary!

Crazy but Fun

Fluid Leak?

The past few weeks have been crazy busy, and also very fun as well. The craziness began last Sunday when I was getting ready for church. I had spent all of the previous week preparing sharing time for our Sunbeam class, and I was anxious and excited to get to put it on that day. While I was getting ready I felt a "rush then a gush". I didn't really think anything of it until it happened again 20 minutes later and ran down my leg. When Chris woke up I had told him what happened, and we called the "On call" doctor. She thought we needed to head over to the hospital to have it checked out. We went up to Labor and Delivery and were checked into a room. Chris and I both sat in silence as we relived being in the next room over when we found out our precious baby girl had passed away. The nurse had me leave a urine sample, in which I felt Arista moving around. I went back into the room and she started to set me up to the monitors. She couldn't find the heartbeat. I sat there in shock thinking how could I have felt her move,and now she isn't alive. Chris had the same thoughts, and just as we all were about to panic... We heard a faint heartbeat. Chris was angry and relived at the same time, and told the nurse that it's a relief that she had found it. We then told her the story about Preslie, and she understood why we were so anxious. I had all the tests done, and even had an ultrasound to prove that I had lots of fluid for our little baby. When the doctor came back in to give us the test results. He said in his Israeli voice... "Good news! No water break, just semen." We all had a great laugh at that one. I felt awful for going through all the panic and stuff but, the nurse reassured me that it is 100% okay and normal. She even said to come in as much as I wanted, anytime I needed to. After a long scare at the hospital we went home and slept for the rest of the afternoon.

Welcome to Chicago

The following day Chris and I headed out to Chicago. We decided we needed a vacation to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary. I had never been to Chicago, so we took advantage of how close it is. After a few hours of traffic outside of Chicago we arrived at our hotel. We went to dinner at Gino's East, and then walked around a HUGE HUGE mall. Later that night we went and saw the movie "Funny People". I was not a fan, but the theater was so nice. It even had valet parking for $7, and people were actually doing it. After a fun day we retired back at the hotel.

Ginos East



On Tuesday we woke up and rode the L train downtown. It only took us about an hour to get down there, and the train wasn't nearly as dirty as I expected it to be. We walked down to the Magnificent Mile, and went into tons of shops. Our favorites being: The Disney Store, Tiffanys, Nike, and the Gap. After shopping for a while we walked down to the Navy Pier. It was so beautiful to see Lake Michigan, and the little street was just full of fun things to do. We ate at a little cafe and then saw a sign for their Shakespeare festival putting on Aladdin. Of course we got tickets for the next day, then we started to head back to the train. On our way back Chris kept saying how he had never been on a Ferris wheel before, and how he really wanted to go on it. We got onto the Ferris wheel, and all of a sudden I started to panic! I had not been on one for at least 15 years, and I forgot how scared I was on them. I started to hyperventilate, and kept my eyes closed the ENTIRE time, except when Chris wanted to take pictures. It was so scary, but I am glad Chris was able to experience it. After the Ferris Wheel we walked down the Magnificent Mile to the American Girl Place store. It was INCREDIBLE. All the doll, clothes, food, and little doll hospital. I will definitely be taking Arista there one day. Arriving back at our hotel we decided to go to Texas De Brazil for dinner. The meat was so yummy, and we even got a free anniversary dessert. ;)







Wednesday we got up early and drove down to the Navy Pier. Luckily there was no traffic and we made it 20 minutes early for Aladdin. The play was so fun, it was in this tiny little theater and our seats were great. Chris and I just love Aladdin, and had such a blast being able to see it live on stage. After the play we decided we have had enough of Chicago, and we drove back home. Chew was there waiting for us, and we had a great relaxing night after a fun filled vacation.

Jesus wants me for a SunBEAM!



Sunday our class gave sharing time in the junior and senior primary. The topic was Temple worthiness. I thought it would be fun if we made cookies (which everyone loves). I took Ziploc bags and taped on there different pictures of good and bad choices, then in the bad choice bags we filled them with yucky stuff. We put all the baggies in a picnic basket and had the children choose a choice. We put the good choices into a bowl with the SLC temple on it, and the bad choices into a bowl with a boy frowning. We had our little sunbeams all dressed up as chefs and they each took turns stirring the ingredients. Chris even dressed up as well. In the end we asked the primary which cookie dough would they want to eat... It was unanimous that they wanted the good stuff over the cat food, dirt, pepper, pine coned cookie dough. I had premade lots of chocolate chip cookies, and tied a little "Future Temple Recommend" on them. I was so happy with the way it all turned out. The Sunbeams were so cute and helpful, and we know that they learned the lesson we were teaching everyone as well. It has been such a joy to teach the Sunbeams, they always keep us on our toes with their fun personalities and energy.

Happily Ever After



Last night was our quarterly enrichment activity. Chris and many other husbands willingly helped us set everything up. We had beautiful music playing, cute centerpieces of 2 balloons tied to a glass slipper, and a soft lighting. I asked our Stake President and his wife to come and speak to us, about "finding happiness through the journey." We had a yummy dinner of Chicken Alfredo (Olive Garden Recipe) with salad and rolls. For dessert I made Chocolate Mousse dessert shells. (Thanks for your help Aubrey!) They turned out so beautiful, and tasted yummy. We were spiritually uplifted by President Ritchie and his wife, and everything said I needed to hear. I was so impressed by the words they said, and the love they have for each other. It was a great evening, and we could not have done it without all the help we received. Our enrichment committee is awesome! Who would have thought the 3 of us could have pulled it all together? Thank you to everyone who helped us out, and to those who didn't come... we missed you!

More to come

(26 Weeks)

I have nothing more to blog about but, the next few weeks will be just as fun and as busy as these past 2 weeks. Tuesday is our anniversary, then Wednesday I am flying out to Utah for a week for my sister-in-laws wedding shower and bachelorette party, then off to Idaho for a week, and then back to Utah for a Wedding! I am trying not to get myself overwhelmed, but I know it will be a lot of fun.

Pregnancy Anxiety

The pregnancy anxiety is a lot more real then I would have imagined. I find myself waking up numerous times in the night to try and feel Arista move. I wake up any where between 7am-8am every morning, where I will get up, eat breakfast, and wait for her to move. Once I feel her move, I will then go back to sleep for a few more hours. My mind is constantly thinking "When is the last time I felt movement?" With Preslie she moved all the time from very early in the pregnancy. However I can honestly say that I never worried about her movements.

As November slowly approaches, I cannot even think of then or after. Next month we start doing NST's twice a week, as well as meet with our Dr. once every 2 weeks. We are going to schedule NST's to do at night as well. We will then be admitted to the hospital as early as 33 weeks if wanted, or 36 weeks. Then they will take the baby at 38 weeks. You would think that with all of these precautionary measures, and tests that I would feel like everything will be fine. I have learned that anything can happen. We went in for a NST the day that Preslie died. The NST was normal and everything. I do know that there is a chance that we may be able to keep Arista, but until she is safely in my arms I can't think of that. I am too afraid to open my heart 100% because I do not want to go through the pain of losing a child again.

I have had many dreams during this pregnancy about having a baby, but the baby comes out dead. I have never once had a dream where I have had a living baby, or if the baby was living it didn't move, cry, open it's eyes, and it looked very cold. I have only known how to deliver a dead child, my brain cannot comprehend it being the opposite.

I hope and pray everyday that through all of the anxiety and fear, that Chris and I can enjoy every minute we have with Arista. I do not know what I would do if we weren't pregnant right now. It has been a huge blessing in our lives, and has brought a glimmer of hope back to us again. It terrifies me how much I love this little girlie already, but I know that I wouldn't want it any other way.